Even men who buck the stereotype can’t seem to win. Are they doing something wrong, or are we? Victoria Medgyesi on how what we’re not talking about keeps us in a place of fear.
Even men who significantly break with the male stereotype can’t seem to win.
Work in child-care? A stay-at-home dad? An elementary school nurse? Publicly, we applaud such choices, but many of us are privately thinking: What’s wrong with that guy, anyway? Can’t he find a real job? And might he have ulterior motives?
Of course, we don’t usually say that out loud, because it makes us look—well—it makes us look like someone we’d prefer not to be. Still, the brain is a funny thing—before we know it, that fleeting suspicion has made direct contact with an imbedded collection of negative stories about men; fragments about pedophile porn addicts, sexual predators, kidnappers, and that nice guy next door no one could believe killed his wife and three kids.
It makes sense. Given the barrage of “bad-man” stories that come at us 24/7, it’s easy to forget that a very small percentage of men actually do “bad things.” We might know it intellectually, but emotionally it’s another thing altogether. Instead of admitting our stereotype-fueled fantasies, most of us take the easy way out. “Isn’t he great,” we say, all the while keeping a closer eye on that male third-grade teacher than we do on his female counterpart.
Here’s the rub: By not coming clean, aren’t we sabotaging the kind of change we say we’d like to see happen? By not asking why we’re so attracted to stories (real or imaginary) of an increasingly violent nature, are we encouraging the “stereotypical” behaviors we say we’d like to see end?
The emotional barriers to acknowledging, let alone talking about, such issues are huge. As a woman, what I expect from men is based both on personal experience and what I’ve read (or heard) about the personal experiences of other women. The more atrocious the story, the less I think about cultural or global context. I have no problem admitting there are times I want to mow down every man I see with hollow point bullets. It’s guilt by association.
Men’s connection to male stereotypes is similarly complicated. Many aren’t ready to abandon the power position. “Stereotypes don’t affect me,” some men say (usually middle-class, educated, white men). Others get it, especially men connected to stereotypes related to ethnicity, sexual orientation, age, or disability.
Both men and women of all descriptions are good at blaming the media (or religion, or the women’s movement) for putting such thoughts in our collective head in the first place.
What we do share is a lack of acknowledgment that negative stereotypes about men result in as much collateral damage as do stereotypes attached to any other group.
As a result, do we at some level automatically expect men to do “bad things” (or, at the very least, suspect them of such) no matter what the circumstance? Are we willing to take a serious look at how the “bad-man” stereotype affects the way men and boys think about themselves? The behaviors they choose to emulate? Are we also willing to ask how such unspokens affect the way women and girls relate to men and boys?
Looking at this stereotype does not mean we should ignore—or stop talking about—the bad, violent things that happen at the hands of way too many men.
But given that, it takes courage to ask ourselves if we’re willing to explore the myths behind the stereotypical big, bad wolf. If so, the next time you meet a male third-grade teacher, what you see may be less than you originally thought.
As a 6′, 250lb black man, I’ve felt the sting of stereotypes all too often. I’m VERY involved at my children’s schools because I work evenings in TV news. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people tell me after knowing me for a while, “Oh my goodness! You’re so articulate and you look so intimidating, but you’re really a nice guy.” Lol. Now, for my part, I do understand that I cut a somewhat imposing figure but I do also think that we need more parents and not just staff (males) to be involved in our schools.… Read more »
My husband used to talk about how strange he felt standing near a school yard on the days he would pick the children up from school, as if everyone was looking at him and thinking he was a pervert. I think men DO feel these prejudices and it affects them negatively. And even as I type this I have to be honest and admit that experience has taught me to be wary of men who still live with their mothers, who are still single without any sustained relationships into their 30s and….wow, I am sorry about this but we were… Read more »
It’s interesting that before reading this article I didn’t think I ever focused on the thoughts or feelings I had when seeing a man, rather a woman, having interactions with young children. I guess I have always given men in those situations a pass since I have never personally been involved with one of those tragic stories that involved men and young children. My exposure to them has only been through the media. I guess I’m a middle class, educated, white guy because I say I don’t think about stereotypes initially in situations like that. It’s only after my skeptical… Read more »
As a work-at-home husband and father, the flexibility of my schedule has typically provided me with the opportunity to attend after-school meetings, events, etc. that are mostly attended by women. If women are having second thoughts about my participation, or looking askance at me, I have not noticed; nor could I care less. Frankly, I’m too busy taking care of my kid and his business; which is what I signed on for.
Well, when taking a fairly long walk in a park on a well traveled path, my daughter (pre-school at the time) had to go to bathroom. I took her to a discrete place out in the bushs off to the side of the trail. It was when I was emerging from the bushes leading a small girl by the hand, did i realize what this might look like. It was probably a tribute to those passing by giving me the benefit of the doubt about the exact issues raised in this article that no one called the police. But a… Read more »
As a custodial father by chance, not choice, I negotiated the bias explored by Ms. Medgyesi everyday, most particularly in schools and playgrounds. Now my kids are grown. I came away from the experience with two abiding thoughts about the dilemma. Unless you have solid reasons to suspect something, give men who work in proximity to children, and men who accept and/or share the responsibility of rearing children, the benefit of the doubt. And when men purposely get close to children for egregious reasons, as happens all to often, jettison the moral relativism and prosecute them to the full extent… Read more »
Gut level, when I meet a guy who teaches third grade (or equivalent), I think his partner and kids are/will be so lucky have such a mensch in their lives. I didn’t even understand what you were implying about predatory men until I re-read the article, at which point I was both horrified and surprised. I don’t say this to feel better about myself — I have all kinds of irrational reactions to male stereotypes — but to reassure the men who make these kinds of choices that there are plenty of women like me, who find these choices brave… Read more »