I’m not complaining, but my life is filled with many to-dos. They are a measure of the fullness and richness of my days. Awakening early to be with my grandchildren most mornings; 2 1/2 year old Dean and 4 month old Lucy are a huge part of my heart. Before Dean was born, my son said something prophetic, “He will be the center of your universe,” or words to that effect. At the time, I reminded him that it would be true for him and his wife Lauren. This is one time I am glad that I was wrong. These two kiddos have me (as my wise father used to say) wrapped around their little fingers. At 63, chasing after an energetic toddler can be exhausting, but the tradeoff is so worth it. His favorite utterings these days are, “Knock over,” as she sweeps his toys, books, dolls, trucks, crayons, play doh, stuffed buddies in heaps on the floor. I laugh and remind him, “After knock over, comes clean up.” He always complies, sometimes with a bit of coaxing and a challenge, “Let’s see who can pick up more toys, Dean or Bubbe.” I always seem to win, picking up more toys, but at least, he is getting the sense that with fun comes responsibility. His baby sister Lucy is a cuddle bug too and loves to be held. Unless she is in the mood to hang out on her playmat with colorful toys and a mirror where she communes with the baby she sees there, or her belly is full and she is dozing off, she lets me know in no uncertain terms that she isn’t having any of this laying her down stuff. She has been rolling over for the past few weeks and laughing her joy to the heavens, especially at the antics of her brother who she watches like a hawk. She also responds to the word, “Boo!”
After the other grandparents or aunt come over, I head to my job as a psychotherapist in a group practice. Interspersed throughout my day and evening are writing gigs, tasks as a PR and marketing person and for the past few months, practicing my upcoming TED talk called Overcoming the Taboo of Touch over and over and over. I am immersed in that last one to such an extent that I find myself practicing in my sleep and even sharing it with my grandchildren who look at me and likely wondering why Bubbe is talking, talking, talking and not waiting for them to reply. I am feeling a combination of anxiety and anticipation. I have been seed planting for this day for years, ever since I watched Elizabeth Gilbert’s talk on creativity. As a Creativa, I could relate to her self judgement about the words that flow through her. What if my words don’t reach people as I intend them to? What if my talk leaves people thinking, “So what?” rather than “Now what?” One of my coaches (when someone is accepted to a TEDx stage, they are assigned multiple coaches that include a writing coach, a performance coach and a life coach. That last one is to help people deal with the emotional roller coaster ride this takes presenters on), asked me how I want to feel once I leave the stage. My first reaction was to say, “Relieved.” He then asked how I want the audience to feel. I responded, “Hugged and loved.” This person is not part of my regular team, but someone who volunteered to add another layer of support for those of us who are presenting on October 1st in Lima, Ohio. In addition, I have the ongoing support of my original coach, Cesar Cervantes who helped me land the talk after months of working together to polish it. I have also been my own coach, talking me through my doubt monster thoughts, reminding myself that the stories are my own, I have shared them over and over throughout the years, my words coming through me like Liz Gilbert’s came through her when she wrote her epic novel, Eat, Pray, Love. It is a gift to the audience that I would love them to carry with them into their lives and relationships.
I am doing all I can to keep up with these tasks in addition to the health challenges I have been facing. A few weeks ago, I was in the hospital for surgery that extracted a 7 mm and 2.5 mm kidney stone and insertion of stents to keep me peeing. They did their job a little too well, since I found myself in the potty a few times in an hour. Last week, the stents came out and I feel like I have that part of my body back.
Yesterday, I found myself in the company of wonderful friends/family of choice, some I haven’t seen since pre-pandemic. I measure time these days that way. On the way to the XPoNential Music Fest sponsored by what I consider the best radio station on the planet, WXPN, windows rolled down on a gorgeous mid September day, left arm catching the breeze and sun rays, singing along to the tunes on the radio, heading the hour and so to Camden, NJ. Eagerly anticipating time with my peeps, I packed light since I am now accompanied by a hiking pole to help me ambulate, in part due to COPD and joint stiffness. I set up ‘camp’ under a tree in my usual area, near the broadcast booth, to make it easier for any wandering friends to find me. There are two stages on the grounds, and I meandered back and forth between them, enjoying the music of:
- CAT BITE
- BLACK OPRY REVUE
- FELICE BROTHERS
- HOUNDMOUTH
- HIGHNOON
- LO MOON
- BARTEES STRANGE
- VALERIE JUNE
- LUCINDA WILLIAMS
As I walked around the grounds, I encountered random friends whose hugs boosted my energy. I felt lighter with each step. I found myself gazing skyward at cotton ball puff clouds dotting the sweet blue and remembering a fest several years ago when the friend who came with me and I got trapped huddling in an underpass while the flood waters were rising and rain continued to pelt us. A massive storm roared through and the grounds had to be cleared quickly. After a while, we figured that we couldn’t get any wetter and we made a run for my Jeep which was parked a few blocks away. He and I can laugh about it now, but back then it was pretty scary.
My friends, who also revel in Jazz Fest in NOLA and invited me to join them in 2015 or so, arrived a few hours later. These people are music lovers and life lovers. Playful, silly, affectionate, my kind of people. They helped me fill my tank that had gotten more than a quart low during the pandemic when I have not shared nearly as many hugs as I had gotten accustomed to.
I left glowing, not only from the sun beams, but also the heart beams from being in their presence. A blessed reprieve, indeed.
(That’s me in the back in tie dye glory)
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photos courtesy of the author