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In our post-pandemic new normal, we continue to experience both societal and personal disruption. As a result, we’re called upon to find a new response to this new normal.
When Jocelyn’s father was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease, she struggled to manage a demanding bank job and the lives of her two busy high schoolers along with her parents’ compounded needs.
“What am I doing? I don’t believe in this anymore,” she confided in a group discussion I convened while researching what happens when we experience a disconnect in our thinking about who we are.
Jocelyn’s realization emerged from a perfect storm of circumstances. She buckled under the intensity of her workplace that was persistently short-staffed and imposed increasingly irrational performance goals while she also struggled to help her parents. “Knowing that I couldn’t be there more for my parents at a time when they needed me was really draining.”
Ultimately a work crisis that put her vacation in jeopardy sent her over the edge. “The punch line was that I had to lie to my colleagues to get the vacation time that had been previously approved,” she recounted. “At that point, I thought, ‘Why am I in this rat race? To just get to another rung?’”
Jocelyn’s story is far from unique even though her circumstances differ from others. I’ve talked with hundreds of individuals like Jocelyn over the past decade who’ve encountered conflict in their beliefs about their occupation, their relationships, their health and well-being, and much more. When these conflicts arise in our thinking, we’re socialized to tamp down the disconnects.
But these conflicts are normal and occur frequently — even to those who project an outward appearance of success. In fact, they signal an important opportunity to change our response to such disruptions in our day-to-day world and embark on an enlivening journey that can positively alter the trajectory of our lives. However, this option is only available to those willing to respond differently when they come to a crossroads.
Here are three no-nonsense ways to convert disruption and instability in our lives into a “new” new normal ripe with possibility:
1. Adopt a new framework
Jocelyn struggled to describe to others and to herself not only what was happening to her but also what she needed to do about it. She’s not alone in her struggle to find a narrative for such circumstances. Our society lacks the vocabulary to support the times in our lives when we decouple from all or part of our familiar identity. Without the vocabulary, we struggle to place our experience of disconnection in a larger context.
My research revealed that we use the terms “change” and “transition” interchangeably, even though they hold different meanings when going through upheaval in our lives. Change occurs when we alter particulars — we land a new job, move to a new apartment, or adopt new habits. We undergo change when we maintain a known expression of who we are.
Transition involves unknown outcomes and occurs when we entertain a shift in our sense of self — in what holds value and meaning to us. It invites us to re-examine the assumptions upon which we anchor our expectations and definition of who we are.
Deciphering times of change versus of transition helps us respond to the instability we’re experiencing and embrace the opportunity to imagine new ways forward.
2. Re-architect your narrative
Jocelyn was terrified, in part because she’d never dreamed beyond being the person she’d become. How do we envision an idea for what’s next if we’re starting with a blank slate?
My research revealed that recasting our story is the most reliable technique to support our need to reimagine who we are. We’re conditioned to use chronology as the architecture of our stories. At the crossroads of our lives, however, we need to step away from this architecture and instead build our story around those ideas, beliefs, or passions that hold value and meaning to us.
Through this lens, Jocelyn’s story shifted away from chronological milestones like joining the bank and progressing into management, and reflected the importance of her connection to others, including her family and those with whom she came into contact through her work.
3. Honor your emotions
Jocelyn sounded apologetic during the group’s discussion as she described the emotions she encountered as she addressed this need for identity renewal. When we decouple from familiar parts of ourselves, we often experience an intense emotional reaction. Said Jocelyn, “My belief at the time was simple: I failed.”
I asked Jocelyn to honor her emotions by naming them out loud. While simple, this step helps us see our relationship with the emotions in a new light. Reframing emotions, like fear or failure, at times when we encounter a conflict in our thinking about who we are, helps us consider their influence on us and what we can learn from their presence.
Everyone is talking about a new post-pandemic normal. Even with this new thinking, few anticipate the identity renewal underway broadly across our society. This new normal is meant to elevate our experience of the disconnect in our thinking about who we are and invites us on a “new” transformative path forward. Said Jocelyn, “This path helped me get to know who I am as a person. I’m not scared anymore.”
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Linda Rossetti is a former EVP of HR at global Fortune 500 Iron Mountain, a Harvard MBA, and a pioneering researcher on individuals’ experience at the crossroads of their lives. She is the founder of The Transition Institute, LLC, a firm that partners with corporations, nonprofits and individuals on a new way to successfully move through major changes. Her work has been featured on NPR, NECN, CBS/WBZ, Money Magazine, SMARTBrief, the BBJ, and other outlets. Her new book is Dancing with Disruption: A New Approach to Navigating Life’s Biggest Changes (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, May 5, 2023). Learn more at lindarossetti.com.
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