3-year-olds are neither devils nor angels. They are learning humans, who are basically sampling the entirety of human nature as they grow and change.
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Someone wrote an article the other day for The Good Men Project about 3-year-olds being “assholes”. That is not the first time I have seen an article just like this. It was, of course, tongue in cheek. But I think it misses some things. I also see articles describing 3-year-olds as angels, that are only ever made “mean” by adults not doing “x” or “y” like they should.
I think both perspectives miss something huge. 3-year-olds are neither devils nor angels. They are learning humans, who are basically sampling the entirety of human nature as they grow and change.
They can be extremely mean, nice, loving, obstinate, cooperative, playful, despondent, exasperating, and amazing. Those are also all of the things humans can be.
A word about variance before we continue
Before we go on, I cannot write an article on any part of the human condition without mentioning variance. I break out in hives if I don’t. Variance is simply the fact that humans display a range of behaviors and characteristics. The “average” is a mathematical construct. None of us are average. We are unique beings with common threads.
Each child will display different levels and frequencies of traits and behaviors, depending on their inborn temperament, all elements of their environment, and how those factors interact. What and who they become from this point forward depends on all of those factors, not just one.
This is part of my issue with parent bloggers. There is this false certainty of things based on observing their own children, and not seeing all the factors. There is an equally fallacious certainty that comes from professionals that write based on observing lots of children in clinical/educational settings because even young children modify their behavior in those settings.
Keep reading below the video.
We have to triangulate
To truly see the variability and complexity of children we have to diversify our experiences, and continue to listen to the experiences of others, without this approach of always judging how many standard deviations away from perfect kids and parents are. There is no perfect.
I think we miss not only something huge when we do not see this, but we an important chance at this stage to put an end to the “nature vs. nurture” argument as well as the devil vs. angel argument. Neither is actually very helpful. We have a chance here to truly understand the interactional view of child development.
What do I mean by sampling?
I have seen our daughter give what seems like pure love to us. Her nickname is “The Sweet Girl”, hence the “TSG” moniker on social media. She is also experiencing different ways to love and show affection. She is always hugging and kissing us, her sister, friends. Some kids do this more than others. She also gets different reactions from different people, young and old, for this level of affection. She is learning that affection can become aggression when someone else doesn’t want it, and that is not ok.
She is sampling human nature.
I have also seen her be incredibly mean, for nebulous reasons, seemingly at the drop of a hat. Yes, there is probably always some “reason”, which may or may not fit our adult construct of a “reason”. I can see her watching for our reactions, too.
She is sampling human nature.
I have seen TSG make incredible insights and say things that make no sense (to us) at all. Some people think this means that children have some magical insight that we are blocked from seeing because adults are too fearful/blinded by ego. Sometimes that is true. However, sometimes she confuses herself, so nah.
She is sampling human nature.
She can be cooperative, literally begging to help cook and clean. She can be obstinate, shrieking at the mere suggestion of putting on her socks.
She is sampling human nature, in her own unique way.
So what do we do with this perspective?
Our reactions, as well as the reactions of and experiences she has with peers and other adults, will interact with her temperament to shape who she becomes.
What we try to do is talk to her to understand as much as possible where she is coming from. We also explain to her where we are coming from. These actions will be repeated thousands of times, because nurturing a child is not a cookie cutter, one-off event. It is a lifetime. We give our wisdom and life force to our children and contributions because that is the whole purpose of the circle.
I think what we do with this perspective of kids sampling human nature is decide to give our kids love, consistent and regular access to nature and play, and freedom to question with reasonable limits based on our surroundings. I think we stay as consistent as possible in those things, leaving room to question ourselves. I think that if we do this, more kids will grow up to create lives of meaning, purpose, joy, effort, and cooperation.
It is of paramount importance to recognize there are choices beyond alternatively resigning ourselves to some intractable nature or controlling every thought, emotion, and behavior of another human being. There is the choice of understanding. There is the choice of figuring it all out together. There is the choice of messy.
Humans are messy. Oh sure, in some cases the equations are easier: parents have more resources, kids have less volatile, obstinate temperaments, the people around them have more patience. If all of those things fall into place, it is easier. But mostly, it is going to be beautifully messy.
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This article originally appeared on Dr. Kwame Brown’s Website
Photo credit: Getty Images
