The Need For Genuine Connection
Thought Hacking‘s Scott Mitchell Shares His Thoughts About Men’s Loneliness
Scott Mitchell is the producer of Thought Hacking, a podcast about improving our psychology and better managing how our minds interact with technology. He is also an accredited coach, husband and father of a young son. I sat down with Scott for an interview about the male loneliness epidemic, and learned how we can shift our psychology to be our own friend while making friends.
Taylor Garcia: From your personal viewpoint, do you believe there is a male loneliness epidemic in our country? If so, what have you seen or heard from fellow men, or what have you yourself experienced?
Scott Mitchell: Yes, I believe there’s a loneliness epidemic in general and it has hit men hard. But I do not think it is limited to men. It has a lot to do with how our psychology interfaces with technology and social media. It has to do with how we process uncertainty and overwhelming anxiety due to our rapidly changing world. Many, if not the majority, of my male friends are having some degree of struggles in their intimate relationships, and I’ve had many friends mention that it’s difficult to make new male friends as adults. They also find that it’s hard to experience authenticity and connection as everyone is focused on their screens as opposed to connecting in real life.
TG: How often do you feel lonely and why? What triggers a feeling of loneliness for you / other men?
SM: So, I think this is a complicated question because it depends on how you define loneliness. One, I do enjoy my own company, which makes me feel less lonely, and I’ve been really blessed with a large number of very deep male friendships in my life. I’m also in a solid relationship and have a new child both of which can help with loneliness. However, like many of my friends, intimate relationships can be difficult at times and definitely make you feel lonely at times. But I think that is part of being human. Having said that, I recently moved to a new location, and during the last few years I have not developed a lot of local friendships. That definitely can lead to loneliness as it is different to connect with friends on the phone or through video but not be there in person. But on balance I’m very fortunate to have deep authentic relationships with many people, and that has helped me a lot.
TG: Would you say loneliness, either for yourself or for other men, comes from a lack of connection with other people, or is it in our nature? Or is it more based on being comfortable / uncomfortable with ourselves?
SM: I do not think that loneliness is in our nature as men at all. I think loneliness comes from our psychology, our culture, and from the connections we make or do not make in our lives. For one, many men are confused as to who they are because of the way our culture has embodied men. Whether it be the hypermasculine, the aloof drunk sports fan, or the hypersensitive squishy pleaser, many of the male stereotypes that exist are not fitting for most of us. If we do not take the time to get to know ourselves and develop an enjoyment and appreciation of who we are, plus, be vulnerable to communicate and be authentic at a core level without fear from other men or women, then I think it’s very hard for us to feel connected. If we don’t connect with ourselves, or if we suppress our feelings, we don’t develop deep meaningful conversations and relationships with our spouses or with other men. This leads to feeling lonely. But this is not some genetic issue that men have. It is psychological and cultural and to some extent stems from a lack of training or knowledge on how to develop meaningful relationships. I also think loneliness has to be taken in the context of the times we live in, and it has been massively amplified due to our interface with technology. Comparison, conspiracies, and social media have put many of us in an unhealthy place where it is hard to connect with others in a deep meaningful authentic way.
TG: What have you done, or do you currently do, to combat, or embrace, loneliness?
SM: First, I’ve destroyed the belief that it’s hard to find good friends, or that men somehow don’t like to talk about their feelings or emotions, or that they’re superficial or they just bottle everything up. I believe there are tons of amazing men who are open, authentic, vulnerable and looking for good friends themselves, and surprisingly I seem to find them. But if you believe that that’s hard to do or not possible, then you’re not going to look and you’re not going to connect with those people. I also think it’s useful as an adult even in a marriage to have platonic female friends if you’re male, and to have friends of different backgrounds and ages in order to gain broader perspectives. I think intimate relationships are a more complicated question for another time. I also think it’s really important to actively reach out to your existing male friends and ask deep questions that are meaningful and maybe a little uncomfortable. This provides authenticity to the relationship, not just superficial nonsense. Finally, I believe that getting connected to yourself in the moment you’re in is very valuable to fight loneliness. Mindfulness can be really helpful with this. I find that gratitude is also very useful to combat loneliness
TG: Building upon the previous question, what kind of advice might you give other men on how to deal with loneliness?
One: Challenge your belief about how you view others. Believe that you can find amazing friendships and start to become that friend. If you want to make friends, be a friend first. Get curious about others, find ways to engage with others in real life, listen and do not be afraid to ask or talk about deep things. There’s nothing wrong with small talk, but the more genuine and inquisitive you are with others the more it’s unusual for them, which satisfies the need for genuine connection.
Two: Spend time exploring and connecting with yourself. We have a relationship with ourselves, but most of the time it’s on autopilot and we don’t think of it as the same kind of relationship as with our spouse or our friends. But there is a duopoly in us and if we invest in that, we can make it more playful and fun and healthy. And that is a relationship that no one can take away from you. You can be your own best friend. You can make jokes about the world with yourself. So, developing a healthy internal relationship can also alleviate loneliness.
Three: Be careful of the kinds of media and stories you consume and put in your mind. They can lead us to comparison and jealousy. They can lead us to develop unhealthy perspectives of the world and fill us with doom scrolling, negative thoughts, or a feeling that things aren’t okay. Intentionally spend time seeking out positive and genuine things that offer hope and optimism for the future, because again this interfaces with loneliness.
Four: Avoid cynical conspiracies and negative commentary about other people. I would also work to develop a mindfulness practice, a gratitude practice, and practice engaging your sense of humor and playful approach to the world around you. Just like we have to work our muscles in the gym, we have to work our minds and our emotions. If you’re not practicing gratitude and being present and being playful and being able to enjoy whatever the moment is, then these mental muscles will atrophy.
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Connect with Scott Mitchell via the Thought Hacking Podcast on Spotify and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Scott Mitchell
