A Dad Sounds Off on the Concept of “Dibs!”

Think calling “dibs” is fun? Stephen Hurley doesn’t. He is here to tell you why.

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Yesterday as I was leaving the grocery store I saw two boys run ahead of their father toward their car. They were about eight and six years old. The eight year old ran to the front passenger side door and screamed “dibs!” A women walking next to me smiled and said, “Isn’t that cute”? I gave her a forced smile but what I wanted to say was, “No, lady, that’s not cute. That’s utterly terrifying.”

Later that night I looked at my sweet little boring bundles of joy as they slept, but all that entered my mind was the swift and cruel justice of “dibs.” Growing up as the youngest of four children, “dibs” was an honor I rarely if ever achieved.

See this photo as you wish. Two happy frolicking boys or a race to something that leaves one the victor and the other empty handed and destroyed.

Some may say that dibs giveth and dibs taketh away, but I’ve only known the vicious sting of not getting the best seat in the car, the last cupcake or control of the TV remote. And when I look at my precious 15 week old angels, I can only summon thoughts of Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With The Wind when she said, “As God as my witness, I will never go hungry again!” I feel just as strongly about claiming dibs.

If only Scarlett had called dibs on Ashley

Charles and Arthur may not speak now, but they will soon enough. When they do, they will try to claim dibs on everything they see. I’ve been out of the dibs game for almost 40 years now. If I’m going to secure a life where I get what I want I’m going to need to start practicing now. Is my popularity going to take a hit over the next few years while I hone my dibs skills? No doubt. I may as well apologize in advance to some of the people I plan on upsetting in the very near future as I get prepared. They should all know, they’re going to be pissed off for a good cause.

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I’m sorry to everyone waiting to order coffee at Starbucks. They don’t post a sign that says “No Cutting The Line” so when I squeeze to the front, scream “dibs” and order my Venti, I’ve really taught you an important life lesson and highlighted a loophole in Starbucks policy.

Sorry, upscale business lady I won’t let merge into traffic. If you had called dibs on the right hand lane, you’d likely make your business meeting on time where they’ll use buzz words like “synergy” and “authentic.” You look like someone who failed to give me a courtesy wave last week, so I feel no guilt.

Sorry little boy whose ice cream I’m going to take right out of your hand. You’ll remember me as the man who taught you how the mean streets of dibs really work and thank me later in life.

I plan on taking no prisoners when it comes to getting ready for the future. Dibs can and will be called on all occasions. I won’t go into graphic detail but dibs can even be called when it comes to bedroom antics. And I plan on calling them.

I’m only 60 pounds away from being this guy but I probably won’t do the three days growth of beard thing.

It may be mean and selfish of me but kids are cold blooded and cutthroat. You can’t show any weakness. Have you ever seen a child crying right next to another who is blissfully smiling without a trace of empathy?