Dr. David Lee Asbery discusses how his views about child support changed after his own divorce and suggests ways that men can start viewing similar situations in a new light.
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The term “child support” invokes fear and confusion in the hearts and minds of men on both sides of the spectrum. The man who nervously waits for his day in court, and the man who has made the choice to ignore the receipt of child support papers have one thing in common—a lack of knowledge. So, as these men anticipate their future, the fear of fatherhood and the fear of the newly court ordered biweekly relationship with their child become even more of a mystery. This is because, in addition to the reality of their failed relationship with the child’s mother, these fathers now must deal with the tricks of a knowledge-free mind that feeds off of everything negative with respect to being a single father. (I will be broke. I cannot survive on what I am making. Money is the only thing that counts. What will I do if I don’t have money to take my kids out? I can’t do this.) These are the words of single fathers who fail to realize that they can get through this, but it must start with a change in perception—a change in how they perceive the child support system.
Once these men learn the ins and outs of the family court system, specifically the inner workings of child support, they will be one step closer to becoming stronger men and better fathers.
Those who have decided that their child is better off living with the mother have to accept the fact that they will have to pay child support. There is no way around it. This is your child and you are the one responsible. During some of my presentations to fathers, I often hear things like, “I was trapped,” “It was a mistake,” or “She wanted to have a child—I didn’t.” To these men I simply say that I understand the circumstances of your dilemma. However, the reality of this “dilemma” is that the child is here, the child is your responsibility, and you must step up and do what is right. This means that, in addition to being sensitive to your child’s needs and being involved in your child’s life, you must also be financially responsible.
For men who find themselves in this situation, I suggest that you shift your focus from arguing about child support to finding ways to help ease the pain of paying child support. Arguing with the mother of your child about child support will not change your situation. The only thing that arguing will do is prove or disprove a point of view. Being right or wrong about a relationship issue will not change the amount of child support you will have to pay. At some point during your breakup, separation, or divorce, you must take a step back and start focusing on your new life, which now includes a different kind of relationship with your child and the mother. Unfortunately, one of the most critical components of this new relationship is child support.
The first thing that fathers in this situation must do is change the way they think about child support. They must stop looking at child support as money that they are sending to their ex-wives or ex-girlfriends. The money that you are sending is for the benefit and well-being of your child and is to be used to help sustain your child’s life.
Once I realized this in my own life, all of the arguing stopped, and I was able to focus more on my new relationship with my two boys. But I had to change my perspective from “giving her money” to “giving her money for welfare and benefit of the children.” In a sense, I had to start “minding my own business.” Instead of thinking and focusing on what she was doing with the money that I was giving to her, I made a conscious effort to (mind my own business) make some key financial adjustments in my life. For example, I starting asking myself questions like, do I need 100 channels of cable television, can I start eating at home instead of eating out, can I use regular gas instead of premium, can I find a better rate for my car insurance, when I go to the movie could I sneak in a bag of popcorn instead of paying $9.00 for a bag at the theater?
I became extremely conservative with my spending habits, and, in a course of a year I noticed that my financial situation started to level off. I was in fact (Reverend Jesse Jackson would love this one) sustaining, maintaining, without all of the complaining. But it took action on my part.
First I had to accept that this money was for my kids and stop thinking about what my ex-wife was doing with the money. Once the child support check is transferred from your account to hers, anything that relates to how this money is spent is her business not yours. Once you make it your business, you will inevitably go back to arguing, and soon fighting will follow. I want to be clear, what I am suggesting is not easy. Holding your tongue on every single financial issue with respect to your child never is. But, at some point, after the demise of your relationship, you will have to make an attempt to build a new relationship, a working relationship, and ultimately a stress-free relationship. You will be working toward a relationship where your primary focus is not about how much money you are giving to her. Instead, your focus will be on doing the things that you are supposed to do as a father. At this point in your life, you should be saying, “YES, SIR!” Yes to being sensitive to your child needs, yes to being involved in your child’s life, and yes to being a responsible, loving, and caring father.
Next you should figure out what your child support payments will be. This should be done before your hearing so that you are not in total shock after the child support order has been rendered. (As a barometer, go to www.nycourts.gov and search for “the Child Support Standards Chart.”) Once you know what you have to pay, focus on making some key financial adjustments. You can do this by streamlining and eliminating all of your unnecessary expenses. Your goal is to find some additional income to offset your child support payments.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I just choose not to play. I see too many guys struggling to make those payments while his ex-wife lives with another man and sees her kids everyday. Those guys are broke and alone living in dumps and struggling to buy food for themselves. At least several I know for that description. Not saying all, but i don’t want it too happen to me. They seem like good guys that didn’t deserve a divorce or separation from their kids. Leave me out of it. Thank god for vasectomies. No woman can use the courts to do that to me. I… Read more »
The title of this article should read:
Dr. David Lee Asbery describes how he rationalized paying child support after a judge ordered him to pay, or else.
My issue is that child support is the only trust situation that does not require any form of accountability to make sure that the money is spent on the beneficiaries of the trust (the children). I want to use a private agreement like this one (http://www.mediate.com/articles/if_they_can_do_parenting_plans.cfm), but my family court judge won’t consider it. We also won’t get started on the lack of visitation enforcement, the profit incentive the Child Support Performance and Incentive Act provides for the states in increasing child support awards in all circumstances (http://fathersunite.org/Child%20Support%20Incentive%20Abuse%20Report.pdf) or the total lack of visitation enforcement. And despite what my family… Read more »
The money is specifically directed at the benefit and welfare of my children.
How can it NOT be my business what she chooses to spend them on?
For instance, a friend of mine had his kids start to show up for the biweekly appointments in raggedy clothes in the middle of the winter, even as he had provided extra specifically for that.
I personally think that a guy who rapes someone shouldn’t have a whole lotta choice in supporting the girl he raped — in /whatever/ way she needs. If he sired a child with her, the least he should do is child support. Maybe some counseling support to deal with the afteraffects of being made pregnant against your will — and then having to raise the bastard’s baby.
Nobody’s talking about raping, for once, try again.
Who is talking about rape? Why are you trying to detract from the topic at hand by pretending that all men who receive unfair treatment from the court system raped the mothers of their babies?
So, here’s a question for you.
Why should MALE victims of statutory rape be required to pay child support, when female victims of rape are not required to?
Bullshit.
Frankly, I think we should go the other way. I think it should be mandatory that mothers have to give an itemized list of every cent that they spend of that child support and justify it’s use. If it ain’t for the kid (even tangenitally, like paying rent for the apartment or putting it away for a college fund) it ain’t gonna be used.
this is obviously goes for fathers who receive child support as well.
So you want me a time strapped single mom to sit down and figure out exactly what percentage of the grocery bill my kid eats. What portion of the elctrical bill goes towards her? How much of the water usage is hers. The portion of the house payment that belongs to her room. How about how much gas goes to getting her to and from daycare or activities. I hope you realize just how crazy this sounds. Just because you’ve met a few mom’s that abuse their support payments don’t assume all of us have. Boo Hoo you had to… Read more »
On the other side of the fence, how about ‘child support’ payments that force non-custodial parents to work three jobs in order to keep from becoming homeless because it’s all about ‘lifestyle maintenance’ for the children (and by inference, the custodial parent), and not about the parents sharing the responsibility for providing for their children’s needs. The central issue is that the system is broken, and we need to find a better way for parents to share the responsibility for providing for their children’s needs instead of treating non-custodial parents as though they are indentured servants who should consider themselves… Read more »
““She wanted to have a child—I didn’t.”” “approximately 10.4% (or an estimated 11.7 million) of men in the United States reported ever having an intimate partner who tried to get pregnant when they did not want to or tried to stop them from using birth control, with 8.7% having had an intimate partner who tried to get pregnant when they did not want to or tried to stop them from using birth control and 3.8% having had an intimate partner who refused to wear a condom.” CDC NISVS So there we have some stats that basically 1 in 10 men… Read more »
Why should the injustice in an unfair system simply be ignored?
There is more to this scenario than fathers simply being crappy deadbeats.
You make a lot of sense and a good point as to how dad’s should view child support. But now we need an article that tells the mom’s what “child support” is and what it’s meant to be used for.