Embed from Getty Images
Most of us don’t set out to raise kids on our own, it just sort of happens that way. When reality sets in and you realize that everything you once conquered together as a team you’ll be responsible to carry out on your own. As the dynamics of your relationship with your ex-spouse change, so will the dynamics of your relationship with your children. I can tell you from experience that running far, far away has crossed my mind several times. Yet, you learn to roll with the punches and make adjustments that provide a new normal for your new family dynamic. Here’s a look at some of the most common struggles and ways to get through them.
Housing & Finances
Many newly single parents struggle to find a place that is not only affordable but comfortable for their children. Children are already resistant to the changes and are impartial to too much change.
However, since they’ll be splitting their time between households, you’ll need to have enough space to accommodate them that you can afford on your income alone.
If you’ve just recently divorced or separated, it may be best to find an apartment to rent for a while until you know exactly where you want to live and what you can afford to pay. There are location-based rent calculators that you can use to see how much you can afford to pay. So, if you were thinking of getting an apartment in Boston, you’d use the Boston rent calculator to see where in the city you can comfortably live with your kids. There’s no immediate need to rush into another huge agreement like a mortgage if you’re not financially prepared. After a year or so, if you feel like you want to purchase something bigger, then go for it.
Splitting Time
You’re used to seeing your children every day and now, because your relationship didn’t work out you have to sacrifice some of your parenting time. Dividing time with the co-parent can be difficult in the beginning. Emotions are high and the changes are new and it can at times be tough to determine what is in the best interest of the children. Sometimes, newly single parents go back and forth a lot trying to discern where the kids should stay and how often the other parent can visit.
Although you want to see your kids as often as you saw them when you were married, this just isn’t possible. Try to take your feelings out of it and consider the other parent as well as the children. You want their lives to remain as “normal” as possible and being stuck in the middle of a custody war isn’t fair. Consider things like the children’s schedule, their school, their friends, and their family. Try to work out a visiting schedule that won’t separate the kids from other things they love and know, but that will also give both parents equal time to spend with the kids.
A New Normal
After you’ve found an affordable place and worked out a parenting schedule the next thing most newly single parents find themselves dealing with is finding a new normal. Traditions, routines, and everything in between changes now that the kids are split between households. Children can often be emotional, resistant and even confrontational when it comes to creating a new normal which can really weigh heavily on you as a parent.
Patience will be the key with this issue. Everyone grieves differently and although no one has passed away, divorce for families is much like a loss. You’ll need to allow your kids their space to vent and adapt. After some time has passed begin creating your own schedule, routines, and traditions. After a while, you’ll need to create a routine in your household that’s doable. Routines help to bring stability to both you and your children’s lives. Though structure is important, try to make some of your routines and traditions fun for the kids. Perhaps you have pizza on Fridays and family movie nights on Sundays.
Being a newly single parent is an adjustment that will take a physical and emotional toll on you at times. You’re literally getting rid of old ways and introducing new ones while trying to amicably raise your children. Although the first few months and even years may be difficult to manage, with time you will come to find your new normal. As long as you remain patient, keep the lines of communication with the other parent open, and remember to keep the kid’s best interests first, the challenges of single parenting will be a lot easier to bare.
__
__
Photo credit: Getty Images
