Being Loved and Feeling Loved Are Not the Same Thing

The one-to-ten question you can’t say five to.

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli

Matthew and Hannah sit down in my clinic after two weeks away.

“The truth is, the last two weeks were good,” Hannah opens. “We talked more. We even had a good intimate encounter.”

“Really? I don’t believe you,” Matthew says.

“Yes. Really,” she tries.

“But you’re not really on my side.” Quiet. A little embarrassed.

Hannah starts listing everything she did over those two weeks. Every time she didn’t get angry. Every way she showed up. Matthew acknowledges all of it. And still it doesn’t land.

“You say it’s good,” he says, “but you don’t celebrate me.”

“Matthew, do you see how much Hannah loves you?” I ask.

“Yes, but…”

I can see it. Something in him is blocking the love coming in. Hannah is exhausted from proving it again and again. She is frustrated by his inability to believe her.

Then I ask him the question.

“Matthew, how much do you love yourself, from one to ten? And you can’t say five.”

He thinks for a few moments.

“Four.”

“Matthew, are you worthy of love?”

He’s surprised by my question.

“I don’t know…”

“Did anyone ever love you like Hannah’s been loving you in the last 14 years?”

Matthew gets emotional, and nods left to right.

“Did you feel loved as a kid?”

He looks down and nods his head.

“So you don’t actually know how it feels. That’s why it’s hard for you to let her love in…”

Hannah softens up and looks at him. Matthew is breathing heavily.

“Are you ready to feel loved?”

He wasn’t sure.

We see this all the time in the clinic. Partners complain. I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel my partner is loving or interested in me. So we ask them. Is your partner doing the work? The words of affirmation, the actions, the gifts? Usually they are. They can even take you on a trip to Hawaii. But if you don’t open your heart, you will never feel loved.

Because being loved and feeling loved are not the same thing.

Being loved Vs. Feeling Loved

Being loved is what you can observe. Your partner doing the work. The words, the touch, the actual deposits in your love tank. But feeling loved is how much you let that love in. Those are two different abilities.

That gap is the blind spot. Hannah was loving Matthew all day. He just wasn’t letting it reach him. And it has nothing to do with her behavior. It has to do with him.

Why does this distinction matter so much?

Most people morph these two together. So when you don’t feel loved, you blame your partner. It’s automatic finger pointing. And when you point at your partner, three fingers are pointing back at you. But the sobering truth is that you’re never a victim. You always have agency.

Matthew never felt loved himself, so he blamed his wife. It’s easiest. Part of being in a relationship is that your partner becomes your punching bag. I don’t feel good about myself… It’s probably your fault.

Distinguishing between being and feeling loved does three things.

1. It helps you stop projecting onto your partner.
2. It helps you better assess your relationship to see whether your partner is actually invested in this relationship.
3. It increases your agency and ability to feel loved.

…

Why is it so hard to really believe and let in our partner’s love?

After many years of R&D, we landed on a simple, uncomfortable answer: The amount of love you can feel is capped by the amount you love yourself.

Let’s play a quick game. Answer fast:

From one to ten, and you can’t say 5, how much do you love yourself?

[Why can’t you say 5? Because 5 protects you from meeting yourself and taking ownership of your beliefs.]

Whatever number came up, that is your glass ceiling for feeling loved. That is the most love you will let yourself feel from your partner. For example, if you love yourself a 4, you don’t know what feeling loved 6/10 feels like. So when someone loves you at an eight, you don’t believe them.

That is what happened with Matthew. Hannah could celebrate him all day long. But as long as he loved himself a four, he would never feel more loved.

So here is the counterintuitive part. If you want to feel more loved by your partner, work on loving yourself more. We know it’s a cliche. There is no way around it. It’s true.

Here are two practical moves that work for us and our clients that can help you actually raise the number.

The first is to show your shadow, which includes the parts of yourself you usually hide. Your jealousy, your dependency, your greed, your vulnerability. Loving yourself means loving all of you, including the parts you call ugly or embarrassing. The more parts of yourself you can embrace, play with and share, the higher you’ll love yourself.

The second is called “thank you, flowers.” When someone hands you flowers, what do you usually say? You simply say “thank you.” You don’t argue or reject them. You say thank you and put in a vase. So next time your partner does something loving towards you, just say: “thank you, flowers.” This code word is more for you than for them. It will remind you to shut up and let the compliment land. This might seem strange, but it really works.

Distinguishing being and feeling loved can help couples gain more clarity, ownership, and agency. At the end of the day, you can only change yourself. The goal is to help you feel more agentic and loved, while seeing your partner’s efforts cleanly.

So we will leave you with one question: What would it take to raise your number by one more point?

Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, Ph.D.-candidate, and co-creator of The Remarriage Roadmap.

Originally published at https://www.psychologytoday.com.