The thought of being a new dad can be stressful.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I’m 34 and my wife is just a few weeks away from giving birth to our first baby. I’m excited about becoming a dad, but my anxiety levels over the past week have been through the roof and sometimes I feel like I’m having a heart attack. On top of my shortness of breath and dizziness, I’m also breaking out in hives. I’ve seen my doctor about this, but he has yet to solve my problem. My wife has been very supportive, but I hate feeling so helpless when she’s the one who has to give birth. What can I do to be normal again?
Am I going to be a good dad?” “Can we afford this?” “How am I supposed to balance my work and family responsibilities?”
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Good news: as unpleasant and frightening as your symptoms are, what you’re going through is actually perfectly normal. There’s no question that your wife’s physical experience of pregnancy is a lot more intense than yours. But psychologically, the two of you are going through pretty much the same thing. I sometimes think that the above-the-neck part of the pregnancy might even be more profound for men than it is for women. Women have far stronger social networks than men do and they’ve got mothers, sisters, aunts, and female friends to talk with about their fears, worries, and concerns. Men tend not to want to admit to anyone else (sometimes even ourselves, and especially not our spouse) that we’re scared half to death of the way our life is going to be turned upside down and inside out.
Those fears—and the accompanying anxiety—make perfect sense. If you’re like most first-time expectant dads, you have no idea how your life is going to change. Sure, everyone you know has probably told you that “life’s never going to be the same.” True, but have you ever wondered what that means? One of my favorite quotes came from a woman who was asked to describe the way everyone told her that parenthood was going to be like and the way it actually turned out to be. “It’s like the difference between watching a tornado on TV,” she said, “and having one tear the roof off your house.” She’s right, and there’s nothing you can do to prepare 100% for your little tornado.
A lot of expectant dads haven’t spent much (or any) time around babies and they’re afraid they’ll do something wrong or dangerous. Let’s dispense with that right now: in a few weeks, your new baby is going to be the most precious thing in your life. The chances are extremely small that you’ll drop your baby or do anything to endanger him or her.
Other common questions/fears that come up include, “Am I going to be a good dad?” “Can we afford this?” “How am I supposed to balance my work and family responsibilities?” “What if I pass out during labor?” “What if I can’t stop my partner’s labor pains?” “Will she love me as much as the baby?” and “Will I ever have any ‘me’ time again?” Let’s not forget about the always-popular “Are we out of our minds?” or the even-more-popular “Will I ever have sex again?”
Whew. That’s a lot to worry about and, unfortunately, there aren’t any easy answers or fixes. But the fact that you’re feeling anxious and asking questions tells me that you’ve got what it takes to be a fantastic dad. So take a big, deep breath, and relax.
Previously published on MrDad.com
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