I don’t own any guns, and I probably never will. There is little talk of guns at my house, mainly because the subject just isn’t part of our everyday thoughts. And yet, somehow, my son became obsessed with them at a very early age.
My wife cringes every time my son has imaginary gunplay, and we talk with him about what guns actually do and what they mean in our society. I’m pretty sure most of the societal impact talk goes over his head, but at least he’s hearing it. Without getting too graphic we want him to understand the danger they pose, and the horrible consequences of their misuse.
My son is now seven, and he has been into gunplay sporadically since he was probably around three. I’m guessing they were introduced to him through media, although we certainly limited his exposure. I also have a daughter who is three, and her exposure to media has been much looser. Her brother often has a strong say in what is being watched, and therefore she is being introduced to programs that are beyond what is recommended for a three-year-old. She has not expressed any interest in guns whatsoever.
I’m not going to jump out on a generalization limb here and say guns are a boy thing, but I will talk about the disparity in attraction to violence displayed by my children. My wife and I have never consciously pushed any gender identity on our kids; we have left that to them to figure out on their own. Interestingly, my son was fascinated by anything with wheels right from the start. As soon as he could physically choose, he went for cars and trucks. Once his abilities improved, those cars and trucks started smashing into each other and blowing up.
My daughter, on the other hand, has not shown any interest at all in cars and trucks and has, in fact, turned robustly to dolls and figures. Everything is a mommy or daddy or baby depending on size, and all of her play involves conversational interactions between them. It is certainly not for a lack of vehicles around, as they are more than abundant in our house. While my son is busy smashing things together, she is calmly sitting by while her figures talk about things they like doing and sip tea.
I wonder if this goes back to hunter-gatherer times when the males were usually the ones regularly dealing with violence. That wasn’t terribly long ago evolutionarily speaking, and I’m sure there are plenty of vestiges of those days floating around in our DNA. In fact, I just heard a report the other day talking about how stress and anxiety were important survival tactics in ancient times. A relaxed person was a food item, while those who were anxiously keeping their surroundings in check were able to survive.
While there are plenty of tales of women making their way into the front lines of battles throughout history, it has traditionally been the male role to go off and fight. Has this configuration been so ingrained in our psyche that it is an instinctual response? Are men instinctively drawn to violence? If so, that would certainly help to explain this innate love for the ultimate machine of death, the gun.
As we get older there is a power dynamic that comes from ownership of a gun; one who carries such a device is one to be feared, and fear is often misconstrued as respect by those who thirst for it. In childhood, however, I don’t think that comes into play. My son and his friends aren’t waging a power battle when they play shooting games on the playground. They are simply playing the games that interest them, and the powerful character in the game is constantly shifting between actors.
So what do we do when our sons or daughters want toy guns to play with, or run around the house pretending to shoot the dog? Do we ignore it and hope they grow out of it? Do we forcefully reprimand them and take away anything that looks like a gun? Do we buy them a toy gun and hope that they get bored with it?
I think, as with most sensitive topics, ignoring it is one of the more detrimental ways of dealing with it. It may not feel like you’re dealing with it if you ignore it, but not making a choice is making a choice. I also have found with my kids that making something the proverbial “forbidden fruit” gives that object a place of high esteem in their mind. Rather than dissuading them from engaging with it, trying to block acknowledgment of its existence proves only to keep it front and center for them.
My son now has a couple of water guns, and there may even be a space gun or two in his toy box. We have spoken to him on several occasions about what guns really are, and he is not allowed to pretend to shoot anyone. He also recently got a bow and arrow set, and I have used this as an opportunity to teach him about projectile safety. Although there are of course still slip-ups, he knows that he is responsible for where his missiles go, and to make sure there is no possibility of hitting anyone. I don’t know if he has made the connection between arrows and bullets, but at least there is a foundation there for him to work with.
I love the idea of skeet and target shooting, and I understand the functionality of hunting. Will I ever own a gun? Most likely no. Will I ever take my son shooting? When he is able to prove himself capable of a mature realization of responsibility and he is physically able, perhaps we will someday do something like that. Until then, we will continue to keep the prevalence of guns in our house to a minimum, and other activities will be heavily promoted in their place.
Whether we like them or not, guns hold a strong place in our culture, and our children need to know what they mean and what they are capable of. It is up to us as their parents and caretakers to instill in them a sense of responsibility and care for others, while allowing them time to find their own voices. As long as his voice doesn’t include blind hatred for others or blind love for violence, I feel my son will be just fine.
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