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Aggressive behavior intended to hurt another person, physically or emotionally.
Before we get started, can we all agree on this as the definition of bullying?
Good.
I hate bullying.
I was on the receiving end of bullying for a significant portion of my childhood. It was horrible, demoralizing, and painful. It can literally ruin or end a person’s life. Luckily, bullying didn’t ruin or end my life, but I still feel its effects today.
Take a look at this kid. This was me at 9-years old. Talk about a face only a mother could love.
White kids bullied me by calling me a “Crowbar” because I was black and thin.
Black kids bullied me by saying I was “trying to be white” because I got good grades, wore preppy clothes, and didn’t get into trouble.
It wasn’t always racially motivated either. Sometimes I’d get my lunch money stolen, girls laughed behind my back due to how “ugly” my face and teeth were, and kids would wait by my locker to empty my book bag all over the hallway floors.
Aggressive behavior intended to hurt another person, physically or emotionally.
I spent a lot of time in tears, I became depressed, I became angry, and it fueled me into becoming a lost soul prior to finally turning my life around.
Let me make something perfectly clear: My parents are awesome and they did an amazing job of raising my two brothers and me. Unfortunately, their best efforts were thwarted due to the lack of support from anyone else (school administrators, other parents, our community, etc.) and that kept the bullying from stopping.
Today I’m absolutely convinced that bullying can be stopped. It must be stopped. But it’s going to require an “All Hands On Deck” type of effort from all of us.
Before I lay out my plan of attack, let’s review the most common variations of bullying in our society.
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Kids bullying other kids: When you think of bullying, this is usually the first type that comes to mind. There’s no need to dive deeply into this since all of us have either been bullied, witnessed bullying, or were the bullies when we were younger.
Parents bullying their kids: Many times it’s under the disguise of “tough-love,” but most people with functioning brain cells know better. These parents are the ones who call their kids stupid when they make simple mistakes, or they’ll call them fat if they ask for another serving of ice cream, or they’ll smack their kids across the face whenever they feel inclined to do so. To me, adults who bully children (especially their own flesh and blood) are the ultimate cowards and are despicable on every level.
Bullying at work: One of my favorite bloggers wrote an epic post about workplace bullying here, and there’s no way I could explain it better than he does.
Husband bullying wife: He’s the man (I used that term loosely) who yells or becomes violent with his wife when the house isn’t cleaned, dinner isn’t ready, or if she asks him to help out with the kids. If she’s a stay at home mom (SAHM), he’ll remind her that he’s the one who does the “real” work while she’s just a lazy, TV-watching, Candy Crush-playing freeloader. Note: We all know that SAHMs are some of the hardest working people on the planet, but there are some neanderthals out there who believe otherwise.
Wife bullying husband: Yes, this happens. She’s the woman who has completely unrealistic expectations for her husband, is verbally/emotionally abusive, withholds affection (notice I said “affection” not sex) from him for no explainable reason, and is extremely condescending whenever he complains about her behavior (i.e. “Quit being such a wuss” or “It’s not a big deal.” or “Man up and stop being so sensitive.”)
Cyber-bullying: I call them the Gigabyte Gangstas. We all know them. They could be kids harassing other kids through Facebook, or they could be grown-ass men and women trolling blogs and social media in an attempt to be mean and nasty towards people who post things that they disagree with. Luckily, I haven’t experienced this at all since I started writing (“sarcasm font” is a wonderful thing). Unfortunately this epidemic is going to get a lot worse before it gets better because it’s so much easier to anonymously hide behind a keyboard and bully someone than it is to do it face to face.
Educating children about bullies is arguably just as important as educating children about sex and drugs. Be proactive, not reactive.
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Adults bullying kids that are not theirs: It could be teachers, sports coaches, other parents, etc. For example, when I was 11 years old I went to a friend’s house to play with a bunch of other kids. The mother of my friend (it was a white family) couldn’t find her fancy watch. After a few minutes of searching, the lady singled me out and said, “I KNOW you stole my watch! I never should’ve let you into my house!” Of course I had no idea what she was talking about, but she cornered me and made me empty all of my pockets in front of the entire group “just to be sure.” A few moments later, her husband entered the room and told her that he found the watch in their car. I cried during the whole incident and the only apology I received was, “I know that kids like you steal things, but I was wrong this time. I’m sorry I accused you.”
In case there are some of you who think that bullying doesn’t have a long-lasting impact, please note that this happened over 25 years ago and I still remember it as if it happened yesterday.
Aggressive behavior intended to hurt another person, physically or emotionally.
People usually fall into one of two categories when it comes to bullying:
1) They despise bullying, and will do whatever it takes to protect their children AND ensure bullying no longer exists.
2) They despise bullying, but believe it will never end, and their only responsibility is to teach their kids how to deal with it.
Just so you know, I’m firmly planted in Category #1.
As far as the folks in Category #2 are concerned, I’m not feeling that philosophy at all. To me, it’s just like saying, “What’s the point of taking a shower? I know that I’m going to get dirty again, so I’m just going to teach the people around me how to deal with my funky-ass body odor.” Really?? Who says that? Anyone? It’s the same thing. No meaningful, positive change was ever achieved through this line of thinking. Yes, it’s very important to teach our children how to deal with bullies, but it’s equally important to prevent bullying from happening in the first place. Here’s my .02 on how to do it.
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#1 – Proactively talk to your kids about it: It seems like a no-brainer, but I’ve seen that a lot of parents don’t talk about bullying with their children until they come home crying with a black eye or someone embarrassed them through social media. Educating children about bullies is arguably just as important as educating children about sex and drugs. Be proactive, not reactive.
#2 – Document everything: In a world where people are overly cynical, it’s always important to have proof to back up your claims. Did your boss threaten you at work? Keep every nasty email he’s ever sent to you. Did your husband punch you in the face because dinner wasn’t ready for him the second he came home? Take pictures of the bruising (after you’ve called the police and left the house for good, of course). Proof can be your best friend when trying to prevent bullying/abuse.
#3 – Don’t be ashamed: Being the victim of bullying can be embarrassing at times – especially for adults. We keep asking ourselves, “Why am I not stronger?” or “Why did they choose to pick on me?” The bottom line is that there’s nothing wrong with us. Some people are just damaged individuals who get their jollies by seeing other people get upset – and that’s because hurt people hurt people. It’s okay to speak to folks in power (parents, teachers, Human Resources, police, etc.) whenever this happens. It doesn’t make us snitches or punks to report bullies. It makes us heroes because it can prevent it from happening to someone else.
#4 – Take bullying seriously: There are undoubtedly a few of you reading this who believe that bullying isn’t a big deal and are sickened by how “soft” and “politically-correct” our society has become. Yeah, well that’s a steaming, open-faced crap sandwich if you ask me. Bullying IS a big deal. It causes depression, ulcers, headaches, anxiety, insomnia, fear of going to work/school, and (in some cases) suicide. When someone has the courage to approach you to say he/she is being bullied, take it seriously and take action. It could literally be the difference between life and death.
Somewhere there’s a SAHM who fears getting yelled at by her caveman husband if the house isn’t perfectly clean by the time he gets home. Somewhere there’s a parent raising a son with Down Syndrome whose heart breaks whenever bullies call him a “retard.” This person could be your kid, it could be your friend, or it could be you.
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#5 – Coach the behavior and do it quickly: When we see bullies acting like a bullies, we shouldn’t call them bullies. Instead, we should talk about the behavior and how it impacted us. So many times we want to react by saying, “You’re a/an ______ (insert bad name here),” when we really should be saying, “I really don’t like it when you do ____________ (insert bully behavior here), and here’s why.” Logically speaking, whenever we call someone a bad name, they’ll instantly become offended and we’ll get nowhere. Coaching the behavior will allow the individual to have a moment of self-reflection (hopefully) to discover the errors in his/her ways. We shouldn’t wait until tomorrow or next week , either – we need to bring this up immediately with the bully. Doing so will let him or her know that we’re serious about stopping this nonsense right now.
#6 – Get the community involved: We can’t do this alone, because help is needed to end bullying once and for all. Create a group in your neighborhood that exposes bullies as soon as they engage in that behavior, lobby schools and workplaces to institute harsher punishments for bullying, create anti-bullying support groups, and solicit community leaders to ensure anti-bullying efforts are at the top of their meeting agendas. No matter what we do, we need to ensure sure that something is done to raise awareness.
#7 – Take our heads out of our asses when it comes to our children: I’m sure a few of you have confronted a parent of a bully and he/she said, “Look, there is NO WAY little Johnny would do the things you’ve described. You’re a liar!” Memo to little Johnny’s parents: Do you really think that parents have nothing better to do with their time than to accuse of your kid of bullying? They’re doing it because they’re protecting their children. I know you probably think that you’re protecting your children as well, but you’re doing them a disservice if you’re turning a blind eye to their abusive behavior. Take this intel seriously and determine if your “little angel” is actually guilty of being a bully.
#8 – Never hit first, but always hit last: Yeah, I said it. There are times when we’re going to need to get our hands dirty and kick a bully’s ass if they’re dumb enough to put their hands on us. To be clear, this is a last resort – but since most bullies are cowards, they’ll turtle up when we make it clear that we’re willing and able to defend ourselves when they become violent with us. I can promise you that I’ll enroll my girls in self-defense classes so they can defend themselves effectively in the event anyone is dumb enough to get violent with them.
Aggressive behavior intended to hurt another person, physically or emotionally.
I started writing because I’m a dad who loves being a dad. I created this post because I’m a dad who loves his daughters and fears for their future when it comes to bullies. Now that I’m sharing my voice here on The Good Men Project, I challenge all of you to take action in your communities to stop bullying.
Somewhere there’s a child thinking about committing suicide so she won’t have to deal with the mean girls who posted horrible comments about her on Facebook. Somewhere there’s a SAHM who fears getting yelled at by her caveman husband if the house isn’t perfectly clean by the time he gets home. Somewhere there’s an employee driving slowly in his car to work because he dreads having to see his abusive boss. Somewhere there’s a parent raising a son with Down Syndrome whose heart breaks whenever bullies call him a “retard.”
This person could be your kid, it could be your friend, or it could be you. I was the victim of bullying and I don’t want it to happen to you or your loved ones.
This nonsense has to stop, and I know it can be stopped, but I need your help.
Aggressive behavior intended to hurt another person, physically or emotionally…and it will no longer be tolerated.
I’m up for the challenge to change this definition forever.
Are you?
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This article originally appeared on daddydoinwork.com
Photo courtesy of bigstockphoto.com
Well, what do you do about cyber-bullying? It’s not entirely the all encompassing solution. In today’s culture that can have the most dire consequences: be it suicide or teen depression.
Great article, Doyin. Generally as always. 🙂 i’m in. Most of us got bullied sometime. I won’t stand for it. And i am vocal about it too. And yes i get my fair share of the well ain’t you mr. Sensitive. And then i know those folks have just about a bit less than two brains to rub together. It’s pretty amazing. The schools still do not get this. Zero tolerance for pop tart “guns” by a kindergartner but boys will be boys on bullying. Not to forget the girls here either btw.
Great article! My daughter is being bullied by a teacher in her school. We filed a report with the police because on 3 different occasions the teacher has pushed/shoved and grabbed her. The school has done nothing except tell the teacher to stay away from her and the teacher hasn’t even down that. I hate bullying and I teach my kids not to do it and if they see it, speak up, and stand up for that person. Bullying comes in all different forms and it needs to stop. It’s hard growing up in this world as it is, but… Read more »
I was bullied in school, to the point I stopped using my “real” name as an adult: Mary Jo, there were endless nasty jokes made about my name, all involving the word blow. I still cringe if someone uses it. To parents who believe they or their child needs to “tough it out” or “put up with it,” a word of advice: please don’t. There aren’t enough coping skills in the world for a child to handle bullying, especially the subtle nasty type that adults seem to not hear. I placed two of my children in a Catholic school after… Read more »
1st of all GREAT article and I hope you don’t mind but I shared your post from FB with the link to this article on my anti_bully page. I too was bullied in school and honestly most people think that’s where it ends. When we’re children but as my family has learned it doesn’t end there. We have been harassed, stalked, threatened, by our neighbors for about 4 years now. My kids can not play outside without me worrying so we don’t get out very often> Our dogs can not be lose in their own fenced in yard 99% of… Read more »