Sarah Fader is a single mom who wants to raise her son to be a good man. Here’s how she plans to do it.
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I’m teaching my son what it means to be a man. He’s only six years old.
I want him to have manners. I show him how to hold the door for strangers. He will be a good man. I emphasize that good men are sensitive.
There is no such thing as a “real man.”
I’m pushing back on the stereotype that men are devoid of emotion.
Men feel anger, sadness, happiness, fear and exhilaration.
It’s okay to cry.
Men cry.
Women cry.
Human beings cry.
Society doesn’t want men to express sadness outwardly. Boys are discouraged from crying.
When you remove a person’s ability to express sadness, they find another emotion to replace it with. Frequently, this emotion is anger. Most men, from my experience, are comfortable expressing anger and are uncomfortable with expressing sadness, unless they are outwardly pushing back against gender stereotypes.
When you’re happy, laugh so hard that your belly hurts and your eyes water.
When you’re sad, let the tears flow. Let it out. Let it go. I am holding you. I am rubbing your back. It’s going to be okay, baby, mama’s here. One day you’ll have a son of your own. One day you’ll hold him when he cries. Some day, you’ll listen to his hopes and dreams.
I want my son to question gender stereotypes.
Each man is different. Each person is different. My son’s gender identity is his own.
Look inside yourself and ask: what does it mean to be a man? What kind of man are you?
I will love him if he’s a heterosexual man.
I will love him if he’s a gay man.
I will unconditionally love him if he is transgendered.
He is my son and I love him, whatever kind of man he decides to be.
I will put my fists up in the face of society’s gender stereotypes to protect my son. I will fight them. My son will express his emotions. He will not become an emotional zombie who only knows how to fight or yell with rage. That is not a man.
That is a coward. A coward uses violence to express himself. My son will be brave. I tell him that he is brave every single day.
“Mommy, I’m afraid.”
“What are you afraid of, baby?”
“There’s a monster in the room.”
To be brave, I want him to first acknowledge that he’s afraid. When my boy tells me he’s afraid, I embrace his fear. I tell him softly:
“I know you’re afraid. Mommy’s here. I will protect you. You are safe.”
He nods and I hold him. And when I hold him he feels safe, warm, protected, and loved.
One day, he will tell his own son those same words.
When you acknowledge that you are afraid, you can learn to challenge your fears. Society teaches us that men cannot show fear. To be afraid is a weakness.
Be a man
Be tough
Don’t show your fear
Hold it inside
Be strong
Stand up straight
Don’t smile
Don’t cry
Don’t move
Be emotionless
Be stoic
Challenge these false notions. Fear is not a weakness; it is a diving board. Stand on that diving board and look into that deep swimming pool and jump. Jump with no idea where you’re going to land. Jump with the confidence that you will survive. You will tread water. You already know how to swim, my brave boy. You are amazing in every way. You are a miracle. You are my miracle. Be who you are. Be happy, be afraid, be sad, be kind, be hurt, be humble, embrace it all! It is all a part of this beautiful thing we call life and that is what it means to be a man. To be a man is to be hu-man.
I love you, my boy. I can’t wait to see who you become in this world.
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Photos courtesy of Bigstockphoto and Sarah Fader
I’m going to repost something i just commented on in GMP, Modern men and masculinity, 12/10/14, because i think its correct in my view and holds validity to this topic: Good article Jason, and in a conversation I just blog had with a couple of women reiterated that point of the model of masculinity is their father or grandfather, particularly if the relationship was super positive. This will change in a generation or two, as the brain working men infiltrate the cultural consciousness but for now those of us, who are legion, will have to develop the inner sense of… Read more »
These two topics have been somewhat cathartic for me as the articles themselves touched a nerve within me. I realize something now why. My grandfather was an honest man, not a prejudiced bone in his body, and he lived in the middle of the race riots of Rochester, NY 1965. The black fathers told their kids not to touch his home, one of the only white’s on the block because they knew who and what the was. Other than an errant rock through a window my grandparents we’re just fine. He was a coal miner, a factory worker, hunter etc,… Read more »
BTW, one other point I’d like to make is that if the idea of what is a man is universally accepted and agreed by everyone, all the time, as some people like to believe and espouse as Truth then there’d be no articles or questions on this type of topic that is commonplace on this forum, nor would there be any comments to it either. I am NOT a spammer as this site calls me sometimes!!!!!!
Drives me nuts. Not a spammer!!!!!!!
Sara:
Good for you. I love your intention. I was a fulltime at-home dad to our two sons (now 20 and 23). I’ve known plenty of single moms who’s boys turned out just fine. Your article didn’t mention if your son has contact with his father. Bridging that gap is on of the hardest parts of being a single parent aside from the need to be everything and everywhere at once.
I agree 100% with what Sarah is saying. Because when you have a single parent, no matter the sex, they take on the roles of mom and dad. My single father taught me to be a good girl, and when there were things he didn’t know about being a girl, he did the research to understand and found female family members to explain if he couldn’t. But as a single parent, you take on both roles in a sense. And you teach the child the things it needs to know about being a good man or woman. I was raised… Read more »
Hal, great stuff …. but I’m not sure if you know the territory or camp you’re in. I completely support what you said but you may get some not so pleasant feedback.
There are many mothers and fathers who are single parents to the opposite gender. Who provide lots of support and foster inside their children wonderful qualities. I think in this article, it would be better to celebrate the role Sarah’s playing in her son’s life rather then ask questions about where the man is who is going to *really* be the one to teach her son. While of course, having a same-sex role model is important, there is nothing in Sarah’s piece that suggests she is somehow denying her son this. Sarah, thanks for being a good woman teaching your… Read more »
I appreciate the author’s intent, but boys learn to be men from the other men in their lives. A woman cannot teach him everything he needs to know, because she’s never been a man. Well maybe a trans-woman can, but that’s a limited kind of thing. 🙂 Anyway, Moms teach boys how to be good PEOPLE. They learn (whether you want them to or not) how to be a man from the male role models in their lives. If those role models are good people, they’ll learn good things. If not, the boy can learn things that will make him… Read more »
Well said Hal!
You’re 100% spot on! Thank you for your contribution to this article.
Umm. The “evolutionary role” that includes combat and protection against enemies and predators is y no means just a male role. In fact, in many species, protecting offspring is mostly the role of the female. To me, linking “what it means to be a man” (and the tendency of men to be unwilling to show emotion) to an evolutionary trait relates to fighting is not evidence-based, and to me appears wrong. The classic male roles in the 20th and 21st century are cultural, not biological.
Lars,
Would you also argue, that in those species where protecting offspring is mostly the role of the female, these roles are also more cultural than biological?
– Or would you agree that perhaps cultural roles often (but not always) evolves from biological reasons?
He has plenty of wonderful family members both male and female.
All is well and good but may I ask what “male” influences does your son have in his life? It’s one thing to teach what you are appropriately teaching from a mom’s perspective but it’s all together different when the same message comes from a male.