For those of you angry that having a child prevented you from qualifying for the Sochi 2014 Olympics (or the wherever-they’re-holding-them-2016 Olympics), remember that while you may be losing at international sports competitions, you’re still in the running for a few other medals:
To level the playing field, this event is divided into multiple weightclasses:
Exhausted Older Child
Young Child + Stroller, and
A feat of less-obvious athleticism, some people train for YEARS to master this event. Gold medal goes to anyone who manages not to lie awake night after night second-guessing all their decisions or, if that proves too difficult, anyone who doesn’t break down crying for no particular reason on a Tuesday.
Medals are awarded for multiple categories, including “fastest wiping,” “best use of snot-sucking apparatus,” and “fastest acceptance of booger slalom’s inevitability.”
People laugh off this event, thinking, “How difficult could it be to pry a pair of scissors or a frayed piece of wire out of the hands of a one-year-old?” or ”Oh, I could do that, it looks so easy!” But the thing about these athletes is that these people are up every morning training at 6 a.m. Sometimes at 5 a.m. Sometimes at 2 a.m.
The signature move the judges will be looking for here is the “mid-change full-body flip complete with angry poop-hand swipe.” Points are deducted for parental use of curse words.
And Finally, Event 6:
This is, hands down, the top ticket item for the parental Olympics.
While incredibly time consuming and stressful for the athletes (particularly when they are on some sort of deadline) this event will always be a favorite among both children and spectators.
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