This is why their father left us.
For most of the evening I have been staring at the screen of my elderly, budget laptop glazed and unable to pay attention. I have two babies, aged 9 months and 21 months and they have a virus. Nothing serious, you will be glad to know, but enough to make them needier, clingy and competitive for Mummy’s attention. I have learned that the only thing to do is to not allow the contest. Either hold both (which you can only do until your head starts to swim) or lovingly tuck each into their cot and shut the door behind you. If you are not careful they reach the point of hysterics. Once they have become hysterical, nothing short of a miracle (or the arrival of my friend Simon) will break the spell. I can do headstands while singing loudly and waggling my feet, it still won’t get a response. I really have tried it.
I feel beneath my own contempt walking out of that room, while they want me so much, but I cannot do what I cannot do. All medicines dosed, all little bodies bathed, all nappies (diapers) clean, all pyjamas on, all songs sung, all teddies found, all blankets tucked in. There is no more left. I was seeing stars again from the noise after a couple of hours close up to them. To be human is to have limits and babies can be far louder and far more persistant than you would credit. When they are ill and competing with each other they can push me to the brink of a breakdown near constantly for a week. Sometimes over it. The nights bring no relief either; sick kids regularly wake.
This is why their father left us.
He said I am lazy. He said he is sick of doing all the work. He said he has no idea what I do all day. I believe what he really feels, deep down, is that I, the woman, should do it all. He should do nothing. I suspect he viewed every demand that was made of him in terms of the housework or childcare as unreasonable. Who knows what he thinks, perhaps even he doesn’t know. I can’t ask him, he doesn’t take our calls. Whatever goes on in his mind, the bottom line was, he didn’t like his fatherly workload, so he walked away.
That workload, which was impossible for two now falls to me. I could make glib jokes at this point about how women can do a two-man job perfectly fine but I don’t feel funny. I feel tired. I feel pain in my head from the screaming. I feel heartbreak for my children, now finally exhausted and sleeping (for a while). I feel ashamed of my home, it has been so long since I had time to tidy it. I feel fear of what I must look like. I feel lonely, I have barely left the house in days and since I’m out of all my staple foods I feel hungry and cheated. However, above any other sentiment, what I feel right now is contempt for this man. This shirker who arrogantly rates the enormous workload of two demanding babies as beneath him.
How do men do it? As a mother I struggle to leave the room while my children need me. Even at the point of no longer being able to function and no longer having anything really to give I struggle to leave. And yet, as a father, he can leave them with nothing of himself. Not his affection. Not his time. Not his love, his guidance, his humour or even just his money. Save for his DNA he is entirely gone from their world.
I have no doubt there are women who leave too, I’m sure if I don’t mention them someone else soon will, but they are so much less common than men who do. In fact, they are so rare that they are notable. Men who leave are not notable. They are normal. Normal, average, unremarked-upon. Like redheads or electricians or Volvo-drivers, everyone either knows one, or knows someone who does. There are countless thousands of women out there tonight experiencing a very similar set of circumstances. Women who do this are outcasts for life. Men just go back to life as it was before.
Is it because with our hypocritical modern double standards, we let them?
Read more on A Day in the Life of a Woman in The Good Life.
Crying baby do not want to sleep image courtesy of Shutterstock
It is very interesting to read the comments about people wanting to know why Sarah is in said situation, what her part in the break-up was etc. And the judgement about the family. Especially you, Bea. Having two children is very normal. They are hard work, but that work can be managed quite well between two parents. When one parent sees the other parent’s job as all housework and childcare, yet doesn’t work full time themselves, it is a terrible situation. People are commenting a lot about the lack of the word ‘some’, but there is also the lack of… Read more »
“When one parent sees the other parent’s job as all housework and childcare, yet doesn’t work full time themselves, it is a terrible situation.” A lot here that needs to be challenged. First, you make the claim that Sarah’s ex didn’t work full time himself, yet I don’t see this assertion made anywhere in the article. Where do you get this from? Second, the claim that the ex expected Sarah to do ALL the housework and childcare was Sarah’s projection onto her husband. The fact that he took offense to having to do all the work himself. meaning, if true,… Read more »
not sure what was wrong with me when writing this. my punctuation is all messed up. please excuse that, I can’t edit.
The “ALL” fathers idea is a straw man, and like all such arguments when misapplied to a written piece is easily knocked down as though answering her real question. She is not making a statement about all men, nor is she even making a statement about men who are kept from their children. She’s asking how men who walk away can do it so easily (and here we likely agree thats not really the case) and also how can they be seen as normal. Here by normal she doesn’t mean that is the “average” man, she is asking about social… Read more »
When the author claims it is normal for a man to walk away, she is ether saying it is typical of men to do so, or that it is perfectly acceptable. As you dismiss the possibility of the former, you are implying the latter. You mean the deadbeat dad social stigma? Are you suggesting the deadbeat dad social stigma isn’t really a stigma? that it is normal and average, and comes with absolutely no negative connotation? The author is revelling in self pity and unwilling to examine anything outside that. To assert men can “abandon their families” and have that… Read more »
Your response is tendentious nonsense. To quote her penultimate paragraph: “Men who leave are not notable. They are normal. Normal, average, unremarked-upon. Like redheads or electricians or Volvo-drivers, everyone either knows one, or knows someone who does. There are countless thousands of women out there tonight experiencing a very similar set of circumstances. Women who do this are outcasts for life. Men just go back to life as it was before..” She is making a statement about men. The implication is quite clear and there are NO qualifying remarks to indicate otherwise. Your attempt to steer the debate away from… Read more »
There is a huge difference between saying those men are normal and those men are SEEN as normal. Some serial killers are seen as normal people (until we find out of course), but they are far from normal. Imagine the shitstorm if someone said female rapists were “normal” instead of “seen as normal”. A few missing words can really alter someones statement.
I agree. Unfortunately I believe Sarah said exactly what she intended to say (and a few years back she wouldn’t have been called on it, either). It might have been in anger or despair, but there’s no excusing it. As you point out, men have been called on these kinds of responses by women for decades. I’m sure Joe would have us all believe otherwise, though. She didn’t mean anything we read. She was just pointing the finger at one or two bad guys around the corner; the rest of us are in the clear. It’s all just a big… Read more »
Reading comprehension eh? I guess you can read “men do x” as only meaning some men huh? Her post is not clear at all on saying some men, most of it leads towards painting pretty much all men as such as evident by the reaction of not one but many of the comments here. What makes your reading comprehension superior to theirs? Remember this had to pass editing standards so not only one but at least 2 people had the ability to edit the article before posting yet they left in vague generalizations that have obviously annoyed quite a few… Read more »
” I guess you can read “men do x” as only meaning some men huh? ” Sorry Archy, but I have to disagree with you here. When I read X does X, I do read it as some. Without the quantifier “all”, there leaves room (IMHO) for exception. I have a problem when feminists try to use that argument on me (when I say feminists aren’t interested in equality, I’m not saying “all”, I’m generalizing about the majority. To then be accused of saying “all” annoys me to no end). As such, I will defend Sarah in this point. She… Read more »
I spose it depends on what we individually see, it’s far too open to interpretation and not set in stone. Try this, say women are gold diggers and see how many people you get biting your head off. She may not be saying all men do it, but I do truly believe that without a qualifier it’s a landmine in writing.
“Try this, say women are gold diggers and see how many people you get biting your head off.” I’m fully aware of what the outcome of this would be. I’ve gotten into this debate with Julia and heather in the past, and I’ll hold to the same opinion now. Without a qualifier, it could be interpreted as all or as some, and both interpretations are valid. My problem with the assumption that the lack of a qualifier should be interpreted as all is that it is accusing others of stating an absolute, and absolutes are rare, very few people actually… Read more »
Jullie, sorry, I have two Julia’s at work, It just comes naturally.
I would also like to explain, the reason I don’t like seeing the “all” qualifier injected into statements it isn’t actually included in is because the willingness to inject it, and the willingness to accept others injecting it, are often contradictory. Far to often those willing to inject the qualifier to modify an opponents argument into an unreasonable absolute, are unwilling to accept that their own lack of qualifier can be taken the same way, even after they have set the precedent of “no qualifier = all”
I probably did jump the gun a bit. When coupled with the statements on it being normal it does look very much like other sexist material I’ve seen n heard. It’s also a good reason why the qualifier is needed I believe, to separate it from the pack.
Even so, taking what was said as “some” rather than “all” is still incredibly sexist. To suggest that it is the norm (even if exceptions do exist) for men to behave like that, it misandry. I don’t disagree with your overall point, just with the injection of a qualifier. Joe has still failed to address any of the points I’ve raised as well, instead latching onto the only weak point of anyones argument.
I write this after an hour and half of wailing by my three year old who is missing his mom (and she is only working late tonight). I want to offer sincere compassion for you and your little ones, and I hope that the offering in some small way relieves a portion of your suffering. Of course, the real test is to offer to some compassion for the writers of the nonsense above. It’s obvious there is a lot of bitterness, hurt, and anger (now directed at you) in the writers and they also deserve some kind thoughts despite their… Read more »
That’s right, pamper and coddle the poor, dear child. It was the big bad man, and all the mean angry men on the comments that are the evil ones.
I notice you’re quite capable of “noticing” the bitterness, hurt and anger of the comments writers, but seem entirely oblivious to that of the writer herself. Do you really think coddling her like a child, absolving her of all her complicity in the failure of her relationship, will help in any way?
Wow, these are the most nauseatingly disingenuous comments I’ve seen so far on this thread. I might have disagreed with much of what Andy wrote, but I do think he was at least trying to see the argument from both sides. You have no such excuse. You also appear to have no kind thoughts or compassion; merely a passive-aggressive assault on the other writers of this thread. In general, with some exceptions, their anger was directed at the double standard of her last paragraphs and the broad brush attack on men as fathers in general, not the author herself. Your… Read more »
“Of course, the real test is to offer to some compassion for the writers of the nonsense above. It’s obvious there is a lot of bitterness, hurt, and anger (now directed at you) in the writers and they also deserve some kind thoughts despite their behavior. ” You do realize that pretty much all of the comments you’re most likely referring to are simply taking issue with the misandry/sexist statements assuming all men do the negative acts that are described? I’m 100% certain all of them know that SOME men do those things, but she didn’t write it as some… Read more »
Can you clarify something for me. Do you have a job? Do you work full time? Or are you a stay at home mother? I very much get the impression of the latter, but seek clarification before giving my opinion.
I just saw her tag line – “I have kids, that’s all I have time for”. Really? Babe, I had kids and went to college. And graduated. And went to college again, and got my teaching certification. My house was clean, my kids well fed, cared for and they got plenty of attention. Part of this time I was a single parent- and the house was still clean, and the kid happy and healthy. I was even in classeds while pregnant – both times! I have worked, I’ve have pursued crafts, I have run my own business for several years.… Read more »
I empathize with you, I am a single (though dating) mother with two children, a full-time job, a start-up business and recently went to school. Things don’t always work out this way though for a lot of single parents. I have the luxury for my children to go to the school on my employer’s campus. I can easily make myself available for dance recitals, holiday classroom parties, ice cream socials, book fairs, you name it. Tuition is subsidized and automatically deducted from my paycheck, so I barely feel it. My children’s father is very involved and proactive, we truly are… Read more »
I see a lot of bitterness in this thread from people throwing their personal experiences into the fire rather than addressing the issue of mysandry that was rightly brought up. I know, from experience, that a LOT of women blame the men who leave (especially when children are involved) without ever looking at their own part in the marriage. Marriage has two sides- ALWAYS. One person does not make up the whole of it. I’ll note the author never addressed the issues that her husband brought up, likely many times, before he left. She admits the house is a mess… Read more »
It appears that Sarah Maguire did a very poor job choosing her mate. Her life sucks, but that’s what often happens when a woman has sex with a loser.
I am 49, and I have no children. I got a vasectomy many years ago. I believe that I made the right choice.
Don’t waste your time attacking me with shaming language. It won’t work on me.
Sincerely,
Peter Pan
I have to ask this again, as I have asked before. How does this article make men good. This is an article that totaly and utterly denigrates men (or it does paint ALL men / fathers with a wide brush). I would ask you this, would the editors of a feminist website ever allow a man to write such and article about his ex wife. Not likely. While some might think that his ‘openess’ is a good thing, I don’t. This article is a pity party with balloons and everything. Seriously editors, really is this what GMP is becoming. Man… Read more »
I am trying to muster up some sympathy for you but so far I have been unsuccessful. As the article reads, you chose to have NOT ONE, but TWO children and then moan and complain about how difficult it is and how hard your life is. Having kids is hardly rocket science. I guess it must be a stretch from your job at the local Starbucks but I urge you to stick it out and inspire your kids to grow up and be just like mommy!!!! This article boring and pointless. So are you. So are your children. I’ll have… Read more »
Also, I had women tell me their ex- paid not a cent in child support. I happened to be the first non-government employee to have a legal copy of the Child Support manual and knew instantly she was lying when a man with an established job in a high paying business did not get the money taken from his check before he got it.
My sister left her husband, taking the kids, in the early 70’s. Many years later, she happily told me, “Mike made no effort to see his kids.” I told her, “Wait a minute. I saw the letter you sent him telling him he would never see his kids.” She said, “Well, I was angry there for a while.” Oh, really? So, did she apologize and tell him to come see them. Um, no. So, telling a father who was trying to see his kids that he will never see his kids then telling someone else he never tried is really… Read more »
Marriages seldom are because of children. It’s doubtful that the children were the cause of the breakup.
Marriages breakup because one or both don’t want to live with their spouse anymore not because they don’t want to live with their kids anymore.
Maybe blaming the breakup on “men” makes one feel less rejected and a partially responsible for the failure of the marriage.
Correction.
Marriages seldom breakup because of children.
I’m sorry, I’ve seen enough of this world to know that whenever there is a story like this presenting a ‘saintly’ single mom and a evil, careless dna provider dad…it is almost always an attempt to pull the wool over your eyes in service of an agenda. The repetitive cycle of a list of loving and laborious care for children, juxtaposed against the uncaring, evil man…is an urban myth. The vast majority of men are driven from the home by the mother and by her will through the court…the lives of men and their children and chances of raising a… Read more »
Actually Jennifer, Walking In Hell is correct. The overwhelming majority of custody cases presented in US courts are for men seeking to get some access to their child(ren), which ‘mothers’ actively ignore due to a lack of enforcement mechanisms and because of this myth of the commonality of the absent father. Ask any family court judge you meet and they’ll tell you the same.
How do men do it? It’s simple. Yeah there are those that think it’s just a matter of “men are allowed to do this”. Those people (often women I might add) don’t get the full weight. We aren’t “allowed” to do it. We are expected to it. Told to do it. Prevented from staying around to be fathers. I think one problem with the current state of parenting (and a barrier) is that men are being viewed as nothing but deserters when it comes to parenting. Sure someone might give a nod to dads that are doing there thing (but… Read more »
I agree it’s all more nuanced than a simple double standard; but that double standard is more powerful than we often give it credit for. My husband had the exact same attitude towards our family, and my role in it, to the point of throwing tantrums himself if I hadn’t cleaned up “properly” that day. There is something to your statement that we let them behave that way. Sticking around, not insisting on change is one way to do it. So I left. I thought that handling two real children would be easier (5 and 3 years old now) than… Read more »
Most of the time men don’t leave. Most of the time women throw the man out on some false domestic violence charge. Many times the women grabs the kids and moves hundreds of miles away. Once the man is forcibly removed, the woman sheds a few crocodile tears and then tries to collect child support. As the children get older their mother tells them their father abandoned them. If the man does leave, what did the woman do to drive him away? The old narrative of a man abandoning his family is almost dead and rarely happens. Let the myth… Read more »
What society do you live in? “The old narrative of a man abandoning his family is almost dead and rarely happens. Let the myth die a complete death.” Really? I wish that were a true statement. Try to think outside of yourself and your peer group. In my line of work, I’ve met men who have had children with several different women, none of whom they have relationships with the women or the children. In fact, I’ve seen a few who have more of a relationship with the children of their girlfriends who are not biologically theirs because, you guessed… Read more »
It’s true in the US. The stats that back him up have been available for years. What society are yu in?
“Try to think outside of yourself and your peer group. In my line of work, I’ve met men who have had children with several different women”
Listen to yourself. you tell him to think beyond his peer group and then go on to cite examples only from your peer group. Getting familiar wiht the statistics on who initiiates divorce is the way out of this.
Ginkgo,
I am in social services so I am not speaking of my peer group, I am speaking of the under-served population of an urban environment.
Also, statistics are based on reported data. Again, REPORTED data. Furthermore, divorce statistics do not apply to those never married, who, by the way, are becoming the majority.
In what world do you think that most of the men who are asked to leave are asked to do so under a false domestic violence charge? Please, show me a statistic that shows that, from a reputable source. You’re just perpetuating the myth that women make up domestic violence stories because they want the man to leave.
“You’re just perpetuating the myth that women make up domestic violence stories because they want the man to leave.”
Do you mean it never happens or is the myth that most are false?
A myth that most are false. I know it does happen, and it’s unacceptable that it does.
Ah ok, I’d agree. I’d guess maybe 5-10% could be dubious, quite a lot would be reciprocal and quite a lot would be single perpetrator stuff.
“How do men do it? ” Nothing like a bit of misandry in the morning. “As a mother I struggle to leave the room while my children need me. Even at the point of no longer being able to function and no longer having anything really to give I struggle to leave. And yet, as a father, he can leave them with nothing of himself. Not his affection. Not his time. Not his love, his guidance, his humour or even just his money. Save for his DNA he is entirely gone from their world.” Why’d he leave? Maybe simply he… Read more »
Well done for sticking the boot into someone clearly struggling with everything life is throwing at them. You must be very proud.
Well done for ignoring all the points he made. You must be very evasive. Her personal feelings or anguish, whilst worthy of sympathy, doesn’t detract from anything Archy said or the need to address it. In the UK, women ignore 40% of all custody orders (and the courts refuse to punish them for it). I believe the stats are similar in the US. Despite the disastrous effects it has on their children, despite the pain, anguish and sorrow it causes the father (or perhaps because of it), they still do it. Ordinary, everyday women. Why, Andy and Sarah, Why? How… Read more »
Are you speaking from personal experience or some statistics you read on the internet? Just curious.
While I don’t agree with the tone the author uses. I do understand the question she is asking.
I’m confused how this became an argument of sorts about legal custody.
In the words of my mother, ‘”Two wrongs don’t make a right”. How does bringing up statistics about family courts and saying women keep their children from men relate specifically to what the author is asking about men who abandon their children.
You’re being a little disingenuous, there. She isn’t just asking questions about men who abandon their children. In the last paragraphs she’s implying that this is the norm for all fathers. In her words, “They are normal. Normal, average, unremarked-upon”. I’d argue it’s more normal for men to have problems with visitation rights than simply to walk away. I’m not trying to be captious, but that’s why her statements need challenging (it’s far more than just her tone). You’re correct, two wrongs don’t make a right, but it’s misleading to claim that she was just discussing her personal plight of… Read more »
Thank-you Pirran, someone who actually understands. It’s subtle sexism, but it’s been accepted so much in mainstream that not many probably realize. It’s all too telling when people don’t even know what misandry means.
Hello Pirran, sorry if you think I’m being evasive. I read a blog where a mother talks openly her situation and how hard she is finding her life followed by an aggressive comment from someone who shows no compassion for her situation. It is in my nature to want to defend her from this unnecessary attack. All I can see is a vulnerable single mother trying to make sense of her situation. I don’t think anyone really disagrees that relationships break down for any number of reasons. There isn’t anything surprising about Archy’s comments apart from the level of aggression.… Read more »
Obsequious White-Knightery followed by evasion. You still haven’t addressed any of his observations (or mine).
All we’re left with is a specious (and rather pompous) attempt to heroically ride to her defense, neatly deflecting from her broad-brush attack on men as fathers (particularly in her last paragraphs). Sure, there are those that leave. There are plenty of others who’re forced out against there will and those of their children.
Keep tilting at windmills, Don Quixote.
Hi Pirran, love the Don Quixote reference, you really do get a better quality of riposte here (no sarcasm this time). I thought I had addressed Archy’s observations by saying I don’t disagree with then apart from not knowing what ‘misandry’ is. I just don’t understand why he is so annoyed by this post but I guess that is because we clearly saw different things when we read it. I found this post on twitter so this is the first time I have visited this site and I seem to be out of step with the feelings of most of… Read more »
We regularly address things like sexism here, including misandry especially (see the section for fathers), so it can be a sore subject for some of us. The part that annoyed me was saying “men” instead of “some men”, what happens is it simply adds in to a plethora of articles n discussions where it’s acceptable to say men are this, men are that, men leave their family vs some men are this, some men are that, some men leave. https://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/virgin-airlines-australia-thinks-all-men-are-potential-paedophiles/ – This is a case of misandry, the acts of some men tarnish the reputation for all and then we… Read more »
Fair enough. All that I (or many others) ask is that her (understandable) anger at her ex-husband shouldn’t be used as an excuse to abuse all fathers or all men.
“The only thing I didn’t understand was the word ‘misandry’ so I googled it. Sounds awful, you must feel so oppressed..” The fact you didn’t understand what the word meant says it all. The highly dismissive snarky jibe “must feel so oppressed” when this site actually does show how men suffer oppression, and you’re riding me about not showing sympathy? Explain that logic please. I sympathize with her, I feel bad, but I’m still not going to put up with misandry or misogyny, would you accept racism from someone who was beaten up by a person of another race? The… Read more »
For every made up staory about this great mom worry about sick kids with a husband that abanbon her and his kids. I can find a man that was forced out of his home and removed from his childrens life by law. The same men have had child support judgemnts set at 90 plus percent of their net income to be in the end labeled deadbeats or suicides. I can’t believe there are still men like you sniffing at tail so hard that you stop being a man using logic and judgement based on reality and turned emotional white knighting… Read more »
“All I can see is a vulnerable single mother trying to make sense of her situation.” And that’s the problem. She is more than her alleged victimization. And she is not above reproach for her misandry. Being a mother who’s husband just left her does not grant carte blanche to say whatever she feels like without it being challenged. And the fact you seem to think otherwise is an example of why the sexism she pushes needs to be called out. The idea that a mother can do no wrong, even regarding non-motherly things, it’s ridiculous, and it is the… Read more »
Pain and suffering is no excuse for sexism. I’m sorry that I dislike seeing men negatively generalized about when men already have a shit reputation in regards to fatherhood. A simple qualifier or 2 could avoid the whole problem and I’m surprised it got past the editors. How about my pain n suffering, or that of other men who are sick of being demonized n treated like deadbeat fathers and women are saints? I understand she’s hurting but her article is going to alienate potential supporters because of a lack of the word “some”. I truly have no idea if… Read more »
The fact that she’s struggling is a good reason to blame her husband for what happened. It’s a terribly reason to lay her troubles at the feet of all men. The fact is that most fathers do stay with their kids and many of the ones who don’t are given no opportunity to, or actively prevented from doing so.
Archy, Your list of reasons for why some men leave are a list of excuses. The fact of the matter is, regardless of how tired, broke, exhausted, mentally ill or selfish some women with children may be, they have made a life long commitment to their children. I have known a few couples in my life who couldn’t handle the stress and financial burden of children or even a child, and the men in those situations simply bailed. I think this is where the double standard applies. The option to bail on your family, in most cases, is only an… Read more »
I realize that they are excuses, I was simply trying to give potential reasons why someone might want to leave. And from what I’ve heard women have options to bail on families early on, no questions asked adoptions, abortion, etc. Options men are not afforded. You could probably avoid quite a few of these issues by allowing men to financially abort, that way she at least knows her partner is ready or not for having kids and she can make her choice of what to do whilst the choice is still viable (abortion, adoption, keep the baby). Only one gender… Read more »
Also I should mention, I don’t support any of the reasons to bail, just simply saying what some may be. Only valid reason to bail is domestic violence probably but even then I’d hope they tried to get the kids away from the abusive mother as well.
” The option to bail on your family, in most cases, is only an option for men, or at least more often exercised by men.” The option comes to they who do it first. This isn’t a sexed double standard. Furthermore, women tend to see children as their property more than men. Just look at the custody requests often submitted. Women often ask for sole custody while men ask for shared. And as Archy pointed out, women have 100% control over having a child, so a woman who has one is 100% sure she wanted one. Men don’t have that… Read more »
My commiserations for spending so long with a man from the 1950s. Can’t help feeling you are better off without him. I can assure you that not every man feels like this. I can’t explain the crushing feeling I get when my baby cries and I can’t help him. Pretty much the only thing that is even vaguely reassuring is looking into my wife’s eyes and knowing she feels the same way.
Keep up the good work, I’m sure you are an amazing Mum.