Father Time is a weekly column dedicated to the concept of time in a parent’s life, particularly a father’s life. The point of view comes from a father of two young sons, both under three-years-old, and how time really is just that: a concept.
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If time is a shared commodity within the marriage and family, how exactly do you divvy it up amongst the members of the unit? Who gets the attention and when? Is one member more deserving than another? Do fathers or mothers get more? Do the children?
Our pediatrician helped shed some light on this in the run-up to the birth of my second son. We were at a well-baby visit for my then 18-month old first son, discussing how best to prepare for the upcoming emotional challenges he might experience once the baby arrives.
“Think of it like this,” she said. “What if dad came home with a pretty, young, new wife that had to stay forever? Mom wouldn’t be very happy, would she? Your toddler is going to suddenly see you giving all your love and attention to the new little one and he’s going to be wondering what happened to his shower of affection. Continue to let it flow. The baby won’t know any different. It’s the reining king that will revolt.”
I do love our pediatrician. She’s an older hippy mama full of great analogies, and though she says most things with a gleaming smile like the grandma you wish you still had, she means business. And we do what she says. She’s the doctor. We’re supposed to, right?
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Did I mention that we have an infant now who needs just as much of our time and attention, if not more?
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Since the birth of our second son, my wife and I have done everything we can to maintain the world we’ve built around our first-born son. Me especially. I still fret over his nap duration, whether he’s going to bed early enough at night, waking up too early, eating enough and at the right times. I let him watch Winnie the Pooh when he wants, let him jump on the couch, and sit on the counter when I cook. Did I mention that we have an infant now who needs just as much of our time and attention, if not more?
The subtext of our doctor’s advice—something I have overlooked—is that the the infant’s needs and the toddler’s needs are different. It’s not that you forget the baby, you simply need to understand that his needs are on a smaller scale than his big brother’s, and that differentiating and negotiating those needs requires skill.
In keeping the bubble intact around my first born, I’ve unfortunately let my baby-care skills atrophy. Case in point: when I try to give my seven-month old his before-bed bottle and he doesn’t peacefully drift off to Dreamland, I cave. I wait for my wife to come in and bail me out. I’m saddened by this because I used to be the expert at putting a baby to bed. It was like, my job, for the first year and a half of my eldest son’s life.
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The authors expand into the idea of time, and how dividing it equally amongst children may not be the best move. Faber and Mazlish write that time needs to be given [to children] in terms of need.
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I’m having to relearn what I already know, and trying not to have any negative feelings about shifting from toddler to infant. I’m learning that everything from communicating and the time spent with each one is different.
I had to go back to my doctor’s advice, or a least the source of her advice, to better understand how to “split” time with two children. When our second son was born, she gave us a book called Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. From that book came the idea of the young, new wife that Dad brings home, and how you must be able to acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings you or the children might have as the family grows.
The authors expand into the idea of time, and how dividing it equally amongst children may not be the best move. Faber and Mazlish write that time needs to be given [to children] in terms of need. As parents, we have to acknowledge which child needs more time/attention/affection at a given moment, and give it, while acknowledging with your other child that they will get theirs, too. In doing so, the second child learns patience and that you will indeed be there for them.
While this may not seem applicable with babies in diapers, I’ve found that it most certainly is, especially in communicating to my toddler that his needs are just as important and will get met. Shift over to my infant son, and I remind myself to feel good about the time/attention/affection I give him, and that it’s not the kind my toddler needs. In fact, I’m remembering in the process how much easier it is to care for the baby. Make him giggle and you’ve made his day.
Now, all this will change as my sons grow up. I’m sure every parent can attest to this evolution. The gaps between their ages and their respective needs will eventually close. What will remain will be the need to shift up or down, around, or sideways for those needs, and the time they need from me. It should never be about giving one more time than other. It should always be about loving the time you have together or one-on-one, and leaving them with the feeling that you’ll be there for them, anytime.
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Photo credit: Robert Couse-Baker.
