What men say to their daughters today matters for years to come. Choose your words carefully.
I’m spending the morning waiting for my car in the repair shop. Four men in flannel (I missed the flannel memo) and I sit around smelling tires and inhaling exhaust fumes while an enchanting little fairy is in constant motion around her daddy. She climbs on him, giggles, turns around, and then she’s back to twirling on the tile.
She’s bouncing and spinning around in her pink frilly skirt. Her black cable knit tights are sagging around her tiny knees, and her puffy coat makes her arms stand out further than is natural. To top off the ensemble is a shiny crystal tiara. It’s been tacked down to her head with what appears to be about 60 haphazard bobby pins.
She’s probably four years old. So little, so vulnerable. She doesn’t seem concerned about it as she sings about teapots and ladybugs in her black Mary Janes. I feel myself tear up as I watch her. I tear up as I watch him watch her. She could not possibly know at four what impact this man, his character, or his words will have on her for years to come. And, maybe he doesn’t know either.
So, to all the daddies with little girls who aren’t old enough yet to ask for what they need from you, here is what we wish you knew:
1. How you love me is how I will love myself.
2. Ask how I am feeling and listen to my answer. I need to know you value me before I can understand my true value.
3. I learn how I should be treated by how you treat my mom, whether you are married to her or not.
4. If you are angry with me, I feel it even if I don’t understand it, so talk to me.
5. Every time you show grace to me or someone else, I learn to trust God a little more.
6. I need to experience your nurturing physical strength, so I learn to trust the physicality of men.
7. Please don’t talk about sex like a teenage boy, or I think it’s something dirty.
8. When your tone is gentle, I understand what you are saying much better.
9. How you talk about female bodies when you’re ‘just joking’ is what I believe about my own.
10. How you handle my heart is how I will allow it to be handled by others.
11. If you encourage me to find what brings joy, I will always seek it.
12. If you teach me what safe feels like when I’m with you, I will know better how to guard myself from men who are not.
13. Teach me a love of art, science, and nature, and I will learn that intellect matters more than dress size.
14. Let me say exactly what I want even if it’s wrong or silly, because I need to know having a strong voice is acceptable to you.
15. When I get older, if you seem afraid of my changing body, I will believe something is wrong with it.
16. If you understand contentment for yourself, so will I.
17. When I ask you to let go, please remain available; I will always come back and need you if you do.
18. If you demonstrate tenderness, I learn to embrace my own vulnerability rather than fear it.
19. When you let me help fix the car and paint the house, I will believe I can do anything a boy can do.
20. When you protect my femininity, I learn everything about me is worthy of protecting.
21. How you treat our dog when you think I’m not watching tells me more about you than does just about anything else.
22. Don’t let money be everything, or I learn not to respect it or you.
23. Hug, hold, and kiss me in all the ways a daddy does that are right and good and pure. I need it so much to understand healthy touch.
24. Please don’t lie, because I believe what you say.
25. Don’t avoid hard conversations, because it makes me believe I’m not worth fighting for.
◊♦◊
It’s pretty simple, really. Little girls just love their daddies. They each think their daddy hung the moon. Once in a while when you look at your little gal twirling in her frilly skirt, remember she’ll be grown one day. What do you want her to know about men, life, herself, love? What you do and say now matters for a lifetime. Daddies, never underestimate the impact of your words or deeds on your daughters, no matter their age.
—
—Photo Steven Snodgrass /Flickr
Find me at on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HedmanCounseling
Originally published on My Blog: http://tarahedman.com/blog/
You might also like:
I Have a Dream That People Will View a Picture Like This and Not Think It’s a Big Deal
Two Dads, Two Daughters, Why the Hate?
25 Fail-Safe Rules for Dads Raising Daughters
Love how they always sneak 3 in as if thats actually true. Its not. But pretty good list otherwise. Of course most of the list is common parent skills and decency regardless of gender.
So very, very true. Thank you for putting into words these principles. I wish every father would take these to heart. Reading it made my heart break for my children who have not seen their very disinterested, very disengaged father for four years.
The one thing my father said to me that defined who I became was in response to the police bringing me home after I was raped at school. He said to never ever mention it again and that, now that I wasn’t a virgin, nobody would ever love me. I no longer have my father in my life but it still burns.
That’s sad KKt, I’m sorry he said such a horrible thing. The truth is you’re okay and life does go on. Sometimes it’s better to not have a dad that’s abusive. Also know that most dads don’t say such things. And what this means is that those of us who would never say/do such things raise sons that are like us. Take care, you’re in my prayers.
The final insult …. Not only is this written by somone who has no inkling of the relationship between a girl and her father… The writing is sappy and sacrine to the point of ad nauseum. Do yourself a favor and keep your platitudes to yourself. Yuck!
I haven’t spoken to my absent father in years. When I had children of my own, he began to reach out and I accepted it at first. Then, he called and couldn’t remember my son’s name. I stopped taking his calls after that. That was about 8 years ago. He still doesn’t know why I stopped talking to him. For years, I’ve wanted to write a letter; tell him why I don’t want a relationship with him. I couldn’t find the words, until now. Thank you for sharing this, you just gave a little girl in a 41 yr old… Read more »
Wow,what a thing to show ur children. I mean,they have no grandfather,and you dismiss ur own father for 8 yrs. because of a lapse in memory. I’ve never known my father and couldn’t imagine dismissing him for anything short of hurting the children. That just seems like a wicked and uncaring,thoughtless and selfish thing to do. If you can do this to family over something so small………girl you gotta fix this and make it right!
lovely piece, i just marked the 19 year anniversary of my fathers death, at the impressionable age of 16 he had to go but so many years later I hear his imparted word of wisdom when i’m in difficult situation. He was everything a father, brother, best friend, male in your life should be to me. You hit on so many fantastic points about how important a father is to his daughter and I still try to be as good as my father said I am. Thank you for a beautifully written piece 🙂
Thanks,
you had me at “I tear up as I watch him watch her”.
You just described my life with my daughter who just turned 4. She even dresses the same. Most awesome piece I have read in a long time.
Can we stop with all the blaming of dad for all the issues adult women have with men? I agree with all these points but remember, your dad is human, and sometimes he will make mistakes. Let’s also keep in mind that there are cultural nuances which affect parenting in some families. In my opinion, it’s more a woman’s first love and first few serious relationships that set the pattern with men. Dad may be the foundation of why some women have a certain pattern in their romantic involvements but for some, not to the extent that this article suggests.
How your dad loves you is how you will end up loving yourself. Probably can extrapolate this to also conclude that how your mom loves herself is how you will interpret how you as a woman should, or will, love yourself (right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy) To that end, how you love yourself has everything to do with how you choose a relationship, how you conduct yourself in relationships, how you cope with the ups and downs of interacting, negotiating, giving, receiving, trusting, asking for what you need, and leaving if/when the time is right to leave. That’s why… Read more »
My 21 year old sent me this , the mother of a DAMN handsome 7 month old . MY girl said I got IT kinda right , we both are very close ,my youngest for what ever reason not a peep in eight years ( no favorites ( has become that way since one will interact and the other doesn’t ) odd hey
I’m soft spoken almost to a fault, and I’ve never been so caught off guard as the time my youngest child, a daughter, got the whole lip quivering, one little tear forming thing going when I told her in a tone I thought was simply firm, that she shouldn’t scream at her sister. Apparently I used my “mean voice”. However much I might have felt my tone was fine, or considered that maybe she was playing me some how, I determined to not use that tone with her again. I managed to discipline her fine without the “mean voice”, although… Read more »
Its easy till they turn 14 , then it becomes rocket science.
Al ( if I may call you Al ) I gave it my best shot to not go down the road that my folks did …. I started “free speach Friday ” the girls could say what ever and swear poke fun got them relaxed an…. from a real young age and when it was done it was done ……… because growing up I was what can I type ….. AFRAID I would say the wrong word or even a word
If you make a deep connection with girls throughout childhood, the teen years will not be as bad as you might think. The main thing is to listen to them all the time and validate their ideas and feelings.
You had me til you dropped the ‘G’ bomb in #5. Perhaps you should have something along the lines of “Encourage me to make up my own mind about spirituality and religion. Maybe my dad is the only Father I need”.
The ‘G’ bomb? Some people have beliefs and values and I would rather a mom or dad (people who truly care for and love him/her) share those beliefs with their kids than let the world (people who will never be as invested or concerned with them) tell them what they should think. Part of being a parent is showing your child truth and if you earnestly believe something is truth then I think it should be shared with them. Notice I didn’t say forced, but shared.
There’s a rather yawning gulf between what is true and what you believe is true.
Maybe that’s something that little girls (and boys) should be taught.
And do you have access to that difference, Jeremy? What you believe to be true could very well be true (and many would argue becomes more true for the very reason that you believe it). Openly sharing what you believe to be true with the grace that Tara is talking about in #5 is what I would say is exactly how one should teach their children to pursue truth.
Excellent information!!! I wish there was one for boys and their moms.
Thank you for posting this. I didn’t have a considerate father growing up and am working through PTSD because of his words and actions. This struck a powerful chord with me and I thank you for saying what I never could.
This is awesome and just what I needed to read. I come from a family of all boys, so when my first born was a girl, I was pumped (not as much as my mom, but that’s another story) and nervous. I didn’t know how to handle a girl. How do I do her hair? Will she be picky about what she’s wearing, etc. My daughter, Ace, is 10 now. When she was born, I was off on Sundays and Mondays. Every Monday was our day. We would go out to lunch and then we’d peruse Best Buy, sometimes just… Read more »
As a dedicated hard working self employed dad of 3 daughters i would whole heartedly agree wtih everything you have listed, I have been there for my daughters thier whole life growing up and still have one thats growing up shes 8 years old. I just wonder how many men out there love thier daughters and sons as much as i love mine. How many dads have had thier ex’s try to keep thier children away from them through lies and the dad and kids end up winning because of pure love and the grace of God on thier side.… Read more »
Thank you Terry. You describe my personal struggle now perfectly. Good to be reminded that Love for our children will win out.
I’m a Daddy’s girl, from when I was little I always made Dad feel bad about yelling at me (usually I WAS doing the wrong thing!) and was able to turn it to my advantage.
Uh. That’s not being a daddy’s girl. That’s being a manipulator.
I’m am admittedly a daddies girl. My dad has rarely raised his voice at me and he had always been gentle with me. But being and only child and the only granddaughter I can be a brat sometimes and even to this day when he raises his voice at me I still get the urge to sob like a little girl. Granted I am 20 and still feel this way about my daddy. To all the dad’s out there with little girls, no matter how old she is you will always be her entire world.
Thank you for a beautiful article! It succeeds in driving home the point that dads need to interact more with their daughters instead of staying aloof.
Drop #5 and I’m in 😉
For #5, an alternate read is “When you treat people around you with respect, I learn how to respect others.”
what a great article. My 6 year old gets feisty if I get angry at her, but if her Dad raises his voice at her, she bursts into tears, and is devastated and sobs ‘daddy yelled at me’. It literally breaks her heart when he’s angry or disappointed with her. Whereas with me, she really doesn’t care. I have to remind him (as our other 3 kids are boys) that he needs to be kinder and more gentle with her, as she adores him so much. I’m going to print this article out and pop it in his lunch bag… Read more »
My daughter is 4 and I’ve noticed the same thing. When my wife gets angry she seems undeterred. When I raise my voice or even just say something sternly she crumbles to tears as if her world has been shattered. Sometimes I need to raise my voice for her to change her actions, but I do my best to be calm and gentle with her. I know she has a tender heart and there’s a special bond between daddy and daughter that I hope stays with us forever.
I loved this article! My daughter is ten now and I continue to work towards this.
Wow. Thank you for sharing this great piece. As I watch my husband parent our 10 yr old daughter, he already does a lot of these things and I feel fortunate knowing she will grow up with a father that loves her. I had grown up in a house that was pretty much terrorized by my own dad – sexual, verbal and emotionally abusive, with a mom that was compromised mentally and didnt feel able to protect us. I was lucky to have one sister look out for me and try to keep me in the correct line of thinking… Read more »
So beautiful.l saw this with my little girl an hubby.Sadly he passed away when our daughter was only 7. Grab and cherish each moment together because none of us are promised tomorrow.
Great article! As a father of 2 teen girls, I feel pretty good about the job I have done as in all but two areas: 1) Speaking negatively to or about their mom (my wife) when she’s in one of her frequent rages 2) I stopped wrestling with my girls when they were under the age of 6 because one or both of them seemed to get hurt each time we wrestled. I read recently in a separate article that being there to comfort them when they get hurt is a great way to build trust. I missed out on… Read more »