Expectations of fathers have never been higher. Chen Oren counsels guys on how to handle those expectations and be the best dad they can be.
Fathers have always had an important role in the family, but the demands on fathers have exploded over the last generation or two. Fathers are now expected to provide, to be nurturing and supportive of their partners and children, to be involved in their children’s school and sports, to be good role models, caretakers, and so on.
With this shift in expectations fathers can feel frustrated as they juggle different roles for which they had no model. Boys are generally taught from a very young age to be tough, competitive, and not show feelings. What background do most men have to be good fathers? When you ask fathers, a majority say they did not have good role models. Almost two-thirds report that they can not use anything from how they were fathered.
As a psychologist, I work with many dads who take pride in being a father, but struggle with how to be the best dad they can be. Here are some of the things we often talk about:
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1) Recognize the benefits of being involved—for the kids, your partner, and yourself
Children with involved fathers are more confident and do better in school. Good fathers engage in less risky behaviors (I had a father decide to quit smoking, for example, so he could be around to walk his daughter down the aisle). Involved fathers take better care of themselves; they’re more likely to get that pain checked out and actually go to the doctor. When you are involved with your family, you are likely to be more physically active—and happier too.
2) Ask for help and support from your partner.
Ask your partner to recognize your efforts. Give yourself permission to ask how to do things you are not sure of—you don’t need to be the expert. Ask to be respected when you try new things with your children. Fathers who feel supported are more involved with their kids and are more confident in their parenting.
3) See yourself as important to the next generation.
How do you want your children to think about you today and in the future? What do you want them to say about you as their father? What do you want them to learn from you? What will your legacy be? Allow your answers to guide your daily interactions with your family. If you want to be the guy who was “always there” for his kids, you need to make sure that you’re already on the floor playing with them, attending their games and recitals, etc.
I’ve never heard clients say that their father tried too hard to be part of the family, and no man has told me that he wished he was distant from his children. Focus on what you do well and bring your strengths and passions home for your kids, your partner, and yourself.
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Chen Z. Oren, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and professor in the Clinical Psychology Doctoral Program, Phillips Graduate Institute, Encino, California. His main area of expertise is the psychology of men. Dr. Oren is a counseling psychologist with a private practice in Westlake Village, California. He works with men, women, and couples, and facilitates a men’s group. He is an active member of APA’s Division 51, the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, and currently serves as the division treasurer. With his wife, Dora Chase Oren, Ph.D., he co-edited Counseling Fathers (Routledge), a book that bridges the gap between fathers and professional helpers.
—Photo Geomangio SìYesOuiDa/Flickr
Good tips, thanks for the article!