Tor Constantino shares some of the future phrases he dreads hearing from his kids.
As a father of three children, there are some things I love to hear my kids say.
My heart leaps with joy at such phrases as, “You’re the greatest dad ever” or “I love you to the moon and back” or “I’m not going to date until I’m 35 years old!”
Anytime my kiddos regale my parenting prowess is simply music to my ears. It should be noted that this article primarily applies to our two daughters ages 12 and 10 respectively, since our toddler son is still getting his verbal bearings.
Despite such happy aforementioned utterances, there are some phrases that I dread falling from the mouths of my children.
While I haven’t heard any of these yet—our two oldest are only preteens after all—I expect to hear a few of these phrases in the near future, but I hope not.
In no particular order here are 10 Phrases a Dad (namely me) Does Not Want to Hear:
- “Dad, I really like this Swedish death metal band called GoryTopia—they rock! Want to see the tattoo I got of their band name?”
- “Dad, I’m not sure which end of the cat it came out of, but there is a hot mess on your leather chair in the basement.”
- “Why can’t I get an iPhone 6? I’m already 1o years old!”
- “So Dad, the 60″ big screen TV in the basement is now a bunch of little teeny-tiny ‘screens’ on the floor.”
- “Daddy I’m so stoked! I won a contest to tour with the Swedish death metal band GoryTopia here in the U.S. I can meet up with them in Austin—isn’t that awesome!”
- “Come on Dad, it’s not really a piercing if it’s functional! Look, I can sip a straw through it without opening my mouth.”
- “OK Dad, I’ve got some good news, some bad news, some really bad news—and some apocalyptic-caliber bad news.”
- “Why can’t I go on a date with a boy? I’m already 13 years old!”
- “Dad, I’ve decided that I want to skip my full-ride scholarship to Dartmouth and join a traveling carnival. The freedom of the open road beckons me.”
- “Daddy, Alberik “Snark” Esbjorn—the lead singer of GoryTopia just proposed to me via Twitter—isn’t that romantic???”
Question: Are there any others that I may have missed that should be added?
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This article originally ran on The Daily Retort