It’s My Fault I Kept Getting Cheated On

When I tell people that I have been cheated on by multiple partners, they often say, “Maybe you’re the problem.” For a long time, this response used to make me roll my eyes or even make me angry.

But after my third long-term partner cheated, it hit me: it was my fault, but not in the ways you might think.

I never did anything “wrong” in my relationships. I never maliciously withheld sex from the guys I was dating, mistreated anyone, and I certainly never cheated on anyone to make them feel like they had to cheat on me to get revenge.

But I’m not blameless in it all. Here’s why it was my fault I kept getting cheated on.

I Kept Choosing Partners Who Were More Likely to Cheat

For years, I told myself I was just unlucky. One friend even described it as “bad at love” (just like Halsey’s song). I thought I just kept choosing dishonest men who couldn’t stay faithful.

But eventually, I had to face a harder truth: being cheated on by multiple partners wasn’t random.

My exes all look different on the surface. They were all very different people with different appearances, careers, and personalities. But underneath it all, they have a lot in common, and it took me a while to realize how similar they were.

I kept choosing partners whose avoidant behavior, lack of self-esteem, narcissistic tendencies, and hunger for validation all created the perfect storm for cheating.

Choosing these types of guys wasn’t intentional, of course. The highs and lows of the relationships felt familiar. And I’m not alone. Studies have found that when you date an abusive, manipulative, or narcissistic partner once, you’re more likely to end up dating one again.

I Ignored the Red Flags

It’s often said that the red flags you ignore in the beginning are the reason the relationship ends, and I have to admit that’s true when it comes to the cheaters I dated.

There was the guy who wasn’t sure if he was ready for a commitment.

The guy who was always too busy for me to make plans for a second date.

The guy who was still separated from his wife when we started dating.

All of the red flags were there in the beginning, but I didn’t see them as red flags. I saw them as hope. I hoped that over time, the situations would change. I saw potential.

I fell in love with the “what if.”

In hindsight, I should have been looking for green flags.

I should have been looking for partners who clearly defined the relationship right away, rather than taking months or even years to make it “official.”

I should have been looking for partners who were consistent and communicative.

I should have been looking for partners who clearly chose me from day one, rather than those who were only available when it suited them.

It’s My Fault I Was Cheated On, But It’s Not My Fault They Cheated

At the end of the day, cheating is a choice that people make in a relationship. It’s a deliberate, conscious decision to go outside your relationship to have an emotional or physical affair with someone else.

I’m not responsible for the fact that my partners all cheated on me.

But I am responsible for ignoring the red flags and choosing emotionally unavailable, inconsistent partners. It’s my fault for choosing manipulative partners with hypersexual and narcissistic tendencies.

It’s my fault for going after the same type of guy over and over again, without learning the lessons that were being presented to me.

And sometimes, acknowledging the problem is the first step to not repeating old patterns again in the future.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.