Matthew Hoffman thinks the same guys who think vasectomies make them less manly are the ones who hang Truck Nutz from their bumpers.
I don’t know where you live, but here in Pennsylvania at least, we have a very strange trend.
A few years ago, men with unusually large pickup trucks began to hang fake testicles from the rear bumpers of their vehicles. If you’ve never seen it, a picture, like the one above, is the only way to really understand. No matter how I feel about this trend, it’s not going away.
Shortly after I heard about “Truck Nutz”, I was introduced to the concept of “Nueticles”. These are fake testicles implanted in a male animal’s scrotum after the animal is neutered. The purpose, in theory, is that the animal won’t have to suffer the indignity of “having no balls”. My cats have never seemed to mind their missing orbs. Why would any other animal? Methinks the owners doth protest too much.
I can’t wrap my head around either Truck Nutz or Neuticles, but I know a trend when I see one. Perhaps these are men reacting to feelings of being emasculated by modern society. Perhaps it makes them feel more macho in some way. Could it be they feel women will find this attractive? Perhaps they are compensating for something. It’s even possible that they like looking at swinging scrotums. I really, honestly don’t know. But the fact that the trend exists is undeniable.
To the men who have made either of these choices, I’d love to know why. But I suspect I’m not going to bring you along with me today. For all the men still reading, I’d like you to do something for me. Doing this will save you money. It will make your partner admire you more. It will protect the environment. It will remove awkwardness in the bedroom.
When you’re done having children, I want you to have a vasectomy. I did, and I’ve never been sorry for the choice.
There are ten obvious benefits, so for the moment I want you to set aside any screaming voices in your head and just listen.
1) A vasectomy is very safe. Much safer, in fact, than the tubal ligation you’d ask your wife/girlfriend to have for you. If you care for her, doesn’t it make sense to protect her from harm?
2) A vasectomy is cheaper than tubal ligation. This will either save you money directly, or it will save your insurance company money.
3) Speaking of insurance companies, they generally love to cover vasectomies because that’s less babies they have to pay for, and less OB/GYN visits for your lady.
4) And speaking of saving money, have you priced condoms lately? And have you priced raising a child lately? Vasectomy. Once and done.
5) You don’t need to throw condoms into the trash, where they end up in landfills so people centuries from now can dig them up and place them in museums. Save the environment, reduce waste, and look better to your great, great, great grandchildren.
6) It’s an outpatient procedure, and a fast one at that. Your vasectomy might be over before that Domino’s pizza you ordered is delivered. Some tubal ligations can be fairly quick, but most take longer and are more invasive.
7) You can be back at work in one or two days. After tubal ligation, a woman may have a week or two before they are able to go back to work. Ok, that might not be a selling point, but it leads into the next point.
8) Minimal discomfort. After the first day you can go about your normal routine without hindrance, unless that involves strenuous lifting. Even the quick tubal ligations can can cause discomfort for your lady for days afterward.
9) It’s very effective. No more birth control pills for her. No more “Honey, I’m late” for either of you. How is this not a plus?
10) Sex without a condom. Forever. Do I need to repeat that?
That’s about it. Now, the screaming voices.
You are NOT less of a man for having a vasectomy, and I’m not sure why people would ever think that. All it does is prevent sperm from being added to your seminal fluid. You might not even notice any effects at all. There is no change in your sex drive, or your ability to get and keep erections. There is little or no physical evidence of the vasectomy (perhaps a tiny white scar), and you certainly won’t need Neuticles afterwards.
It’s such a minor procedure, in fact, that you don’t even need to tell anyone. Nobody needs to know.
But still some men resist. I think they are listening to the same voice that convinces some men to hang Truck Nutz off their vehicles. There’s a little voice inside our heads that was put there by society. It tries to tell us men that our manliness is a function of our body parts, and their size and functionality. If this isn’t projecting our distorted cultural views of women’s bodies onto ourselves, I don’t know what is. So many men judge women by their different body parts – breast size, booty size, waist size, and so on – that we judge ourselves the same way. Otherwise why would the internet be flooded with ads reading “Try this one weird trick to get a larger penis/bigger muscles/more hair/washboard abs”?
It’s so important we men realize our worth lies not in our bodies, or our levels of monetary or carreer success, or how we are perceived by others, and rests instead in the choices we make to be good husbands, friends, brothers and fathers. So many men on the InterWebz have articulated that message, and I’m adding my voice to the outcry. If we learn to respect ourselves more, truly respect ourselves, it will be easier for us to show respect for others, and not just our partners.
Rethink what truly makes you a man, and then prove you are one by having a vasectomy for your lady.
I promise you’ll thank me.