As a parent of a three-and-a-half-year-old, I am constantly peppered with questions, and even after I answer the question completely, I am dealt the ever so old question, “But why?” It’s the never-ending responsibility of a parent; to be a leader, a teacher, a coach for our children. We don’t even realize it, but by the end of the day, our children’s constant “Why’s” cumulate into several little nuggets of wisdom. Some of the great high performers always say, if you want to achieve more at a faster pace, get a mentor. This is exactly what you are for your children. You’ve distilled down, however many years of life experience into those precious moments you have with them when they are looking for guidance through the unknown. Given the endless lessons that we teach our children, I’ve listed ten things or common themes that I try to implement in my son’s life to give him the best chance to thrive.
1. Kindness
I was talking with my jiu-jitsu coach one day about how I wanted my son to come train as soon as possible, and how I had already been teaching him how to protect himself. I know, you’re thinking, “How ridiculous are you?” But I think it’s important that my son learns these skills, as I believe the more he knows, the less he will probably have to use. Nonetheless, my coach told me that everything I was doing was fine, but that I was missing one thing, kindness. He said, “Not only do you have to teach them how to fall and how to do takedowns, but you also have to teach them how to help each other up after each fall…kindness.” Now, I am trying to implement these acts of kindness into our daily travels. We prepared coffee and I grabbed one of his favorite protein bars from the shelf to give to a homeless man nearby. My son was of course, resistant to giving anything to anyone that’s his (after all he’s three years old,) but I know these moments with me are making an imprint on him that will transcend to who he becomes later in life. The importance of human kindness and compassion is often overlooked.
2. Gratitude
As a 35-year-old male who never feels like he has enough, and is always trying get more time in my day, I am still learning the amazing gift of gratitude. When we are grateful, we live in a world of abundance. When we feel like we have enough, we no longer live in world of lack and scarcity. We no longer live in fear and anxiety. You can’t be angry and grateful at the same time, the two emotions just aren’t congruent. Gratitude is so important to teach our kids, that during our dinners together, I try to ask my son to name one thing he’s grateful for the day. Try it with your kid, and you will just laugh and smile at their responses because they are so genuine and simple. It puts our lives in perspective to what’s really important.
3. Emotional Agility
This is a big one and is often suppressed by most parents. Most parents are shutting down their kids’ emotions and wronging them for feeling a certain way. Imagine a kid falling down off a bicycle and scraping his knee. What does the parent do? They run over and grab the child and say, “You’re ok, you’re ok.” It’s unfortunate because the parent means well and is only trying to protect their child. However, you’re basically communicating to your child that it’s not ok to be in pain. It’s not ok to feel hurt and want to cry. If we want our children to be emotional agile, meaning they have a range of emotions they can experience and communicate the way in which they are feeling, then we need to stop shutting down their feelings and start accepting them. It’s ok to be mad, angry, sad, happy, confused, etc. Acknowledge their feelings first, then later comfort your children as you normally would.
4. Respect
This is obvious and I think most parents understand the importance of this powerful trait. Respect is difficult to teach, because I often tell my child, “You need to show your parents respect and listen,” and I often get his go-to rebuttal, “But why?” If you want to teach your child respect, then YOU need to be respectful. How can I tell my kid to be respectful when he heard his dad mumble under his breath, “What an idiot…” to the driver that just cut me off. Like a sponge, my child will return the following day, and probably call the first kid at the park an idiot. Now I’m playing catch-up to undo all of the damage I’ve done.
5. Food is Fuel
My child knows that part of being a super-human is eating right. My child knows that the food we give him is healthy and nutritious. He even asked his Nana one day, “Is this organic? Is this water filtered?” Now to some of you, that might sound pretentious, but it’s not. My son has had cake and pizza at various parties, but he also knows that it’s not the best food for him. I’m teaching him to develop awareness around the food that he puts in his body, so that he understands the food he eats affects his mental and physical being.
6. Keep Your Hands Up
Yes, I teach my kid to keep his hands up in order to protect himself during a fight. Whether you like it or not, there are people in the world that rob, steal, cheat, and are out to hurt others. Being able to defend yourself is an extremely valuable skill. I am not teaching my son to hurt others like he’s some type of bad ass MMA fighter at three years old. But, what I am saying, is don’t let others hurt you. Understand, there are times in life when you must defend yourself.
7. I am Here to Protect You
Your children need to know that you are here for them, that you are their protectors. I remember watching my son in a little fight with a child in the park when he was around two years old. The child came up to him and began hitting my son ever so lightly in the face. I told my son, “Protect yourself, take him down,” as I had taught him how to protect himself and perform a simple tackle. My son looked at me and yelled, “Dad!”
I allowed the event to unfold until I realized my son wasn’t going to protect himself, and he ran to my aid. I comforted him afterward. I realized that I had made a mistake. I originally thought it was wise to let my son experience things like this so that he could draw on those moments as lessons to later act in the future. But what I realized, is he is not old enough to recognize that just yet. Instead, he needs to know that I am here for him, and am able to protect him. Because if I cannot protect him, who can?
8. Love Yourself
One of the daily questions I will ask my son is, “What did you love about yourself today? (i.e. an act of kindness, a demonstration of intelligence, etc.)” This does two things: it acts as a form of positive reinforcement. It highlights all of my son’s micro-wins for the day and helps build confidence and competence. Secondly, by teaching my son to love himself, he will eventually learn that he doesn’t demand the love of others. He’ll be less needy, more appreciative, and more able to give love to the world.
9. Try Everything
I am always telling my son to try new things. As new parents we always want our kids to learn new things, so they can progress and grow in life. However, it’s a difficult task, because children are fearful and unsure about the unknown. Nonetheless, I make sure to remind my kid after he tries something new, I ask him, “What happened when you tried something new?” And he always respond, “I learned something new.” Who knows if this will pay dividends in the future, but I am trying to build connections in my son’s brain at an early age, so that when he’s faced with dilemmas at an older age, he has our lessons to grab onto from past experience.
10. Be the Example
The ironic thing is that the above nine things don’t mean squat, if you are not the living, breathing example of all that you profess. Children don’t learn by you just telling them what to do, they learn by doing and watching you. As my child has grown older, I’ve noticed how much he is watching me. He’s constantly imitating me and trying to be like me. You want your child to be kind and play nice with other kids? Great, then you need to start being kind to your wife or husband first. Show compassion and kindness to your neighbors or acquaintances that you run into on the street. Your best tool for raising a super-human child is to be the best you can be and demonstrate it on a daily basis, so that your child can replicate it.
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