10 Ways the Narcissist Devalues You

Narcissism Vocabulary Series: DEVALUING

Devaluing is the second phase of the Idealization, Devalue, Discard cycle. When the honeymoon phase begins to wane, the toxic person will generally begin to devalue their partner, taking them down off the pedestal they had put them on during the idealization or “love-bombing” stage. Note that this is different from the normal process of moving out of the initial infatuation of a relationship, when partners begin to see the realness of each other and begin to work to grow closer and develop deeper love and connection.

Here are ten common ways narcissists devalue others. The first two are obvious, the rest may be more subtle and difficult to recognize as the devaluation they really are. (I personally experienced many of the rest of them, and did not realize at the time that I was actually being devalued):

ONE: Overtly criticizing you or belittling you. For example, “Why can’t you make more money? You need to hustle more in your job.” When confronted, protesting that it is just feedback, “for your own good,” or that they are “just being honest.” This could also include saying things like “I don’t know why you think you need such an expensive car (house, jacket, whatever), what are you trying to prove?”

TWO: Overtly insulting you. Distinct from criticism, this is more bold-faced. “You are so stupid, I can’t believe you got this job!” “Wow, are you getting fat.” “You’re lucky I put up with you, no one else would.” Etc.

THREE: Pretending to be mistaken, such as bringing you an XL dress to try on when you are actually a size Medium. “Oh, sorry, it looked like it would fit.” This is really pernicious, because they can simply claim they made a mistake.

FOUR: Being generally uninterested your activities or your accomplishments. This might look like not asking a follow-up question, or changing the subject when you share something important with them, and if confronted, saying something like “What? I heard you. What do you want me to say?” It could also include not showing interest in your activities or accomplishments such as a parent never attending a sports event you are in, or not reading your college essays. Any of this makes us feel we are not really heard, seen, or taken seriously.

FIVE: Saying something about themselves to denigrate your accomplishment. For example, you share you are speaking at an international conference, and your partner says “Oh, that’s nothing, I used to speak to 10,000 people at our annual meeting every year. I always got rave reviews. It’s not big deal, really.” Or conversely, they might say something like “I never really thought that it was important to be in the spotlight that way.” Either way tends to take the wind out of our sails.

SIX: Being grandiose about their own contributions and diminishing yours. For example, saying things like “I do everything for this family! We’d be in the poor house with me!” when you actually contribute significantly to the family finances and/or manage the home. Or, “I have to do everything around here” when you ask them to take out the trash, and the reality is you are doing almost all the household chores yourself. In the workplace, taking all the credit for a team’s or partner’s accomplishment.

SEVEN: Throwing cold water on your hopes and dreams. “Do you really think becoming a doctor is realistic? You aren’t that good at science, you know.” When confronted, they again say they were just trying to be “helpful.”

EIGHT: Fawning over others as a subtle way of comparing you. This could either be about someone else, as in “Wow, that was the BEST presentation on geology I have EVER seen,” when you yourself are a well-known geologist. Or directly to them when you are in earshot, such as, “Hey, you’re really in great shape! Honey, did you see this guy’s six pack? It’s amazing!” when being fit is really important to you. If confronted, you may be accused of “just being jealous” or “making everything about you.”

NINE: Stonewalling or the Silent Treatment. Often done as a form of punishment, this is not only a poor communication strategy, it is a way of showing the target they have no value. For example, when the toxic person outright ignores comments, requests, or conversational attempts.

TEN: Living their lives as if you are not a factor. This might include making significant plans or spending significant money without consulting you, not checking in day-to-day, etc. While this can be normal behavior at some stages of a relationship, what makes it a devaluing situation is the shift from you being “everything to them” in the love bombing stage to feeling like now you are nothing of significance.

And here’s a bonus two:

ELEVEN: The backhanded compliment. “Wow, you did a better job on that report than I thought you would.” “Gee that’s a great haircut, it makes your nose look much smaller.” Again, this is maddening, because the toxic person has plausible deniability if you call them out or protest. “What? I said I liked it!”

TWELVE: Only being interested in your life when things are going badly, and showing little to no interest when they are going well. This can actually masquerade as empathy and concern until you unpack it, because with this sort of devaluing the toxic person will be very curious and concerned about you in times of need. That’s nice, but healthy people are just as curious and interested when your life is going well.

However they devalue you, it tends to feel awful. To go from being sought after and even put on a pedestal to being treated badly or ignored is confusing, destabilizing, creates severe cognitive dissonance and leads to a trauma bond, because we want so badly to get that initial connection back. Sorry to say, as part of the  Idealization, Devalue, Discard cycle, it is a classic tactic of a narcissist. If you feel you are being regularly devalued in any one of these (or other ways), it can be very helpful to seek support from a coach or therapist with experience in this area.

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This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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