The holidays are here and both TV, Radio & Social Media are inundated with ads about family togetherness.
If you are estranged from your family, you will likely feel some grief and loneliness during this time. Even if you had and have solid reasons for distancing yourself from them, you will still experience moments of sadness, shame, and embarrassment.
This is because, everything in society assumes that families are loving, supportive, and want the best for each family member when sometimes they are worse than being locked in a room with Jeffrey Dahmer. Ok, maybe not as extreme, but also not an impossibility.
A lot of things happen behind closed doors. Every week you read about families treating their relatives terribly and yet we still act surprised when someone decides they’ve had enough and distances themselves from their family.
Why?
Let’s dive deeper into this topic.
1. Family estrangement is incredibly common- If you google family estrangement right now, you will get over 6 million articles. It is incredibly common, very much discussed and yet many people treat or secretly judge a person who they’ve discovered has distanced themselves from their family. Additionally, there are different levels of estrangement. Family estrangement can range from not speaking to one or more family members to 100% zero contact with all of one’s family members. Assuming a person is a weirdo or to blame for being estranged is incredibly reductive and shows that you lack understanding of a very complex issue.
2. Family estrangement is dynamic and can happen to YOU- You can go from not speaking today to a family member to becoming close to that family member, 10 years from now. You might feel incredibly close to your family today, but 2 years from now stop speaking. Things happen. Life happens. A family member that loved you at one time, could start hating you or become envious of you if you start doing well professionally or achieve things they desire. Say a family member is struggling to conceive and you are just shooting out babies left and right, resentment can start to fester from the one that’s struggling to conceive. The death of a family member and the subsequent fight for inheritance can show you a side of your family members that you never would have thought existed. When I think about the family members that I’m not speaking to, I remember how close we were as kids. I never would have dreamed that we would not speak as adults. But I’ve found that adulthood does not equal maturity and that many adults are petty. So-called childish behaviors are done with regularity by these adults and it was best to separate myself after a while.
3. Some family members take their relatives for granted- Some people don’t realize that family relationships are a relationship and just like how you need to water a plant regularly for it to thrive, you need to water your family relationships. You need to treat your family members with respect, and nurture and care for them regardless of age. Just because you are older does not mean that you know better than all your younger relatives. Just because you are older does not mean that you should regularly beat up or taunt the younger ones. Just because you are richer, does not mean that you should treat your poorer relatives like dirt. Some family members have clear favorites within the family. They buy gifts for one set of family members and ignore other family members. Some parents might favor one set of kids with one spouse, over another set of kids with a different spouse. And then to add insult to injury, some family members act like the neglected member will be there forever, taking the treatment forever. Que?
4. Some families are batsh*t crazy– Or at the very least, TOXIC. Abuse in many families is normalized. Physical and emotional abuse is called “discipline”. Sexual abuse is hidden under the rug. Some families also don’t believe in mental health treatment and have relatives with undiagnosed mental health disorders running amok. Guess who has to bear the brunt of those folk’s lack of mental health treatment? Vulnerable family members. Additionally, some family members are dealing with scapegoating, family neglect, abandonment, competition, and jealousy. Some people have experienced greater harm within their families than they have ever experienced with non-family members. Some family members will see you suffering and not lift a finger to help you. Some family members will even sabotage good opportunities for you. Why would anyone want to keep in contact with family members like these?
5. Some families never deal with injustices within the family- A lot of families in order to “not wash their dirty laundry in public”, put up a fake front and don’t deal with a lot of issues. Abuse gets glossed over. Disrespect gets glossed over. Hurt feelings never get ameliorated and this happens over and over and over again. Years pass and nothing gets done. Meanwhile, the hurts keep accumulating. Sometimes the future estrangee-my word 😊- has to get therapy to deal with the pain. Still, the family members keep proceeding like nothing has happened and the individual is supposed to attend family gatherings, many times, facing abusers while planting a smile on his face. What happens when things are not addressed and atonement is not done? At a certain point, a person gets tired of pretending and decides to walk out.
6. Family estrangement is a gradual process– Deciding to estrange yourself from family members is not a snap decision. It takes time. This is because distancing yourself from family is counter to everything we are as humans. Sometimes the future estrangee had no idea he or she was being abused because it was normalized. Sometimes even if they did know, they didn’t realize they had options and thought they had to bear it. And perhaps that was true when they were young and dependent. At a certain point, that person might leave home, to pursue an education or a job and come across healthier examples. Or that person may notice that as time passes, he or she is experiencing panic attacks at the prospect of meeting up with family. Choosing estrangement helps them save their sanity.
7. To make the choice to be estranged from family, is a very difficult one- It takes a lot of courage to walk away from and put boundaries on the family because everything in society pressures you to stay put, and present a happy, united front. It is a million times easier to follow the status quo, to act like your family is perfect than to walk away. Making the choice to estrange yourself opens you up to criticism, judgment, and people who think you are probably difficult. It is easier to be connected to a toxic family, to maintain the guise of “harmony” than to stand up alone and point out the dysfunction.
8. You can love your family very much and still want distance from them– For the family members I’ve distanced myself from, I still feel great love for them. So much love, that if I saw them in a fight, I’d join in to defend them, even though I don’t fight. I will do it because they are my family and I will not sit and watch them get hurt. And once it’s done, I’d go back to not speaking to them. Family relationships are complex. I love and miss those family members. I just refuse to deal with the toxicity anymore. I tried to explain my pain to them in the past, but it just fell on deaf ears. Sometimes, leaving toxic families is the wake-up call they need. Sometimes, it is not and you’ll have to live your best life without them
9. There is peace-People that estrange themselves from family are usually seeking peace. They are not distancing themselves from their family members just for shits and giggles. Like I said earlier, it is easier to fake the funk. For me, however, the older I get the more sensitive my nervous system becomes. I am a HSP/Empath and I cannot stand to be in any place where the energy is toxic. I live alone and there is so much peace in my personal life. Little things can throw me into a hypervigilant state and I work hard to minimize that.
10. There are grief and tears still– When you choose to distance yourself from your family, you are still going to experience moments of grief. That is because they are your family. You grew up with them. You had these expectations. You never dreamed you’d distance yourself from them. You never dreamed it would be this way, but it did. You grieve dreams. You grieve pain. But even as you grieve, you know you made the right choice. At least at this moment.
11. There is pain & embarrassment– Whenever a person is different and not of the status quo, there is usually embarrassment. Embarrassment at not conforming. There is also pain. Historical pain at having to experience the reasons for the estrangement, the pain of people not always understanding. Still, it is better. At the very least, one is minimizing new toxic pain from being added to one’s life.
When families are healthy, it’s a beautiful thing to witness, but unfortunately, this is not the case for many people.
Dysfunction reigns.
When a person makes the decision to estrange themselves from their family, rather than criticize them, understand that it was not an easy decision.
Rather than judge, seek to understand.
Give love rather than condemnation.
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