“Love is a Many Splendored Thing” is the title of a movie that premiered in 1955. It was based on the relationship between a widowed, Eurasian doctor and the man she fell in love with, a married American journalist, and the conflicts that ensued because of their backgrounds and ethnicities. It would be safe to say that external forces were the main barrier to the two living together happily ever after, but in saying so, we would be omitting the obvious: He was committed to someone else.
Despite the romanticism of the communist revolution as the backdrop to the disparate lovers in the movie, there was an interesting yet ironic rumor that the costars, Jennifer Jones and William Holden, did not get along behind the scenes. Granted, it’s not unusual nor is it a given that actors playing lovers should get along, but If we take into consideration the movie’s title, we can assume that the reality of love is not always what it appears to be and that our actions determine the life of our relationships.
It is easier to say what we should do to maintain a loving, fulfilling relationship, but the key component to lasting love is showing up every day and being mindful of how we come across to your partner, otherwise we run the risk of sabotaging what say we crave.
Here are some ways in which we ruin our chances of having the love we truly desire:
1. Ignoring your health/hygiene
This sounds like a no-brainer, but if you are having any type of health problems and are in denial, then that it a sure-fire way to destroy the likelihood of having love in your life. If you refuse to take care of yourself, then how can you be entrusted to take care of someone else? It’s natural and understandable that one may feel like they don’t need to keep themselves in good shape when they are single—after all, who cares what you look like? But the truth of the matter is, that you should care: Taking care of your health should not be done just for the benefit of another, it should be done for yourself, first and foremost. Eating right, exercising, getting proper rest, and limiting your use of alcohol are all things that are great for you, will make you more appealing and desirable. When you practice self-care, you look and feel fantastic and your confidence will be through the roof! (Hey, not that you aren’t already confident). The bonus is that you will be ready when Mr. or Ms. Right comes along.
Also, who wants to sleep with someone who doesn’t bathe/shower regularly, wash/cut/comb/style their hair, or brush their teeth, and floss? I know it may sound trite, but we all know someone who can step up their hygiene game by including these obvious, hygienic mechanisms that can aid in their overall sexiness. Listen, you can’t expect someone to want to get to know you better—whether it’s that guy/girl you’ve been crushing on for months, or that budding relationship with your current squeeze—if you don’t take care of your body. It’s not to say that you have to wear cologne/perfume all the time, but if/when you do, it shouldn’t be to mask lingering body odor.
2. Lack of self-control
Emotions, ranging from ecstasy to the depths of despair, are powerful stimuli that can trigger a reaction if we aren’t mindful. Some people manage their words and actions better than others and by doing so, they limit the possibility of affecting a tenuous situation. It is safe to say that no one is perfect, and no matter how much we try to put our mate on a pedestal, it’s a given that in spite of treading carefully and being considerate, they are bound to do something that will annoy us—maybe even make us very angry. However, if you are unable to control your emotions, a minor disagreement can turn into a fight, with verbal assaults and even physical harm. Always be mindful of how you respond to offenses and carefully consider what is being said: it may not be meant the way you are interpreting it, so ask questions before spewing harmful words. Think before you speak and act.
It is normal to want your mate/significant other to be faithful to you but don’t allow feelings of jealousy to override your common sense. If you try to keep your mate from having a life of their own, outside of your relationship, you may wind up pushing them away rather than bringing them closer to you. The unfortunate but true fact is that you can’t stop someone from being unfaithful; checking their phone, following them, or consistently questioning their whereabouts—even when they share with you where they are going—will not prevent someone from cheating on you. It is pointless. Have faith and trust in your partner that they will not do anything that would be disrespectful to you.
Jealousy can also manifest itself in other ways as well: Sabotaging your mate’s goals and dreams by being negative, condescending, or dismissive when they are sharing their accomplishments with you shows that you are not someone they should spend their time with but one who is more of a hindrance than a supporter of their journey to greatness. You are supposed to big their biggest cheerleader, not the one who is stabbing them in the back.
4. Lack of integrity
If you do not keep your word and show up when you say you will, whether that means being physically or emotionally present, that is a clear sign that you are not open to attaining the love you desire. It is impossible to trust you if your actins do not match your words. Your word is your bond and if not, then who are you? If what you say does not match your actions, then that means that you are an imposter and unreliable and if you are unreliable, why would anyone want to be with you, in any way, shape, or form?
Mst people tell little lies from time to time, and to say that you don’t lie, well, is a lie. However, the degree to which you lie is key. If every single word that comes out of your mouth is questionable, and you are unable and/or unwilling to explain or verify what you are saying – because it is a lie, then who are you? (This can be tied to #4). Habitual lying can mean several things about you (and none of them are positive):
- Low self-worth
- Lack of respect for yourself
- Lack of respect for the person(s) they are lying to hide something (or someone)
- Fear that you will be rejected for telling the truth
If you love someone, keep it as real as possible without causing harm to your mate or the relationship. Some lies are easy to recover from, while others can be dangerous, destructive, and be the end of the relationship.
6. Lacking morals
It is important to have standards and have a belief system that dictates what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior for yourself. If not, then you will be easily lead down a path of ruthlessness. No one wants a ruthless, immoral partner.
7. Taking your partner for granted
Assuming and expecting that your partner will continue to be there for you, to do all they can do to meet your physical and emotional needs at your whim and you don’t show up for them, or do anything to make them happy, is a sure sign that you do not value nor appreciate what you have. You are a taker,a user seeking to benefit from all the good, positive things that your mate joyfully provides. Granted, you may not be able to do for them the same way that they do for you, but there are ways that you can show that you aren’t as inconsiderate as you appear to be.
8. Lack of communication
It is important to always keep the lines of communication open and flowing, and remember that being a good listener without judging. Real, honest communication is vital to the life of the relationship. Once the communication stops, assume that they if they haven’t already begun sharing their thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams with someone, they soon will.
9. Lack of intimacy
This is a love killer and is closely tied to #8. Communication and intimacy go hand-in-hand; it’s nearly impossible to have one without the other. If you have an issue with intimacy—going deep to reveal who you are on the inside—then it is pointless for you to think that your love will go deep, thrive, or survive, for that matter.
10. Dismiss your partners’ needs
Pay attention to what your partner is saying, pick up on the subtle (and not so subtle) cues they are giving. They will let you know what they need from you. If you ignore your partner, devalue what they say or how they feel, then you are giving the green light for someone else to fulfill them.
11. Being defensive
If your mate can’t talk to you about problems within your relationship without you being defensive, denying, or deflecting, then you might as well get used to sleeping alone. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and if you can’t take ownership of your role in or responsibility for the down moments, then congratulations! You are an anomaly because you are the first person whose shit doesn’t stink.
This is a big one. If you hold another man/woman in higher regard than the one you claim to love, if you lie about your financial status/situation, and if you lead someone on by telling them what you believe they want to hear, things that just aren’t true; pretending that you want the same things as your mate, solely because you know they care and you are trying to manipulate their feelings for your benefit, then you are not ready to receive the love you (think you) desire. Your entire relationship is built based on a façade.
It is not easy to keep love alive, but if you are doing things that push your mate away, then you are a fake, and you’re proving yourself to be a bad actor, not ready for the splendorous thing called love.
Photo credit: Flickr/gags9999