Once upon a time, I’d had enough gas lighters and wanted to know how to turn them around. I hope I can help now that you’ve been in that situation.
My specialty is writing about turning the tables, having someone fear you, and getting even with gaslighters. Several manipulative narcissists have gaslighted me, including an ex-partner who attempted to convince me that I was insane.
Since then, I’ve been researching the characteristics, strategies, and vulnerabilities of manipulators and gaslighters so that I can assist you in handling them appropriately.
Discover what gaslighting is, how it affects your mental health, how to recognize it, and 15 techniques for regaining control.
Describe Gaslighting.
A habit of employing psychological manipulation techniques to cause someone to doubt their memory, reality, and sanity is known as “gaslighting.” It can occur in romantic, platonic, or business-related partnerships.
The name “Gaslight” comes from the 1944 Alfred Hitchcock thriller. In the movie, a husband tries to persuade his wife that she is becoming nuts. He convinces her that she is imagining the lights in their house fading, even though he turns them down. Eventually, she begins to doubt her views and memories.
Some narcissists, such as covert narcissists, individuals with antisocial personality disorder, and abusers, employ the manipulative tactic. The person in question may be a supervisor, coworker, friend, family member, or love partner.
Gaslighting’s Effects on Mental Health
The main problem with gaslighting is that it’s a psychological and emotional abuse that frequently occurs in intimate partnerships. The activity harms the victim’s mental health because it causes them to doubt their understanding of reality, claims Psychology Today.
Being gaslighted can make you feel like something is wrong with you, regardless of the nature of the connection. That’s precisely how the person who is gaslighting you wants you to feel. Ultimately, they want to make you feel less confident so they can control you.
The following behavioral changes could be a sign that you’re feeling the effects of the manipulation and emotional abuse:
Decreased confidence or self-worth
Self-doubt or regretting your choices
Feeling inadequate or unable to say or do anything correctly
becoming more and more apprehensive or hesitant to be oneself around the person
Offering an apology when you are not at fault
Do you think you’re overly sensitive?
feeling inadequate or unworthy, downplaying their actions or placing the blame on yourself for how they handle you
Feeling irritated, furious, helpless, emotionally detached, or as though you’re losing yourself all the time
How to Recognize If a Relationship Is Gaslighted
You must become familiar with a gaslighter’s tactics to turn the tables on them. Gaslighters behave in a consistent manner, as though they are reading from the same script. If you see these regular actions, you can determine they’re in manipulation mode.
Reasons for Gaslighting Individuals
Gaslighters are characterized by low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, a love of avoiding responsibility, and a constant desire for validation. Their example claims will plant doubt and uncertainty in your mind.
According to Healthline, the main objective is to gain control and power over your actions, thoughts, and emotions. Control needs are fueled by the belief that their tale is more real than yours and by making you doubt your own sanity.
To throw you off balance, lower your self-worth, and damage your self-esteem are further reasons. Whether the other person is a psychopath or narcissistic, controlling them gives them the approval they need to feel better than you and deserving of respect.
How to Use These 15 Strategies to Turn the Tables on a Gaslighter
It’s a brave but essential decision to decide you’ve had enough and are prepared to confront the gaslighter. You may reclaim your confidence and stop feeling anxious around them by taking back control of the situation. First, let’s go over 15 clever strategies for turning the gaslighter off permanently and becoming a force to be reckoned with.
1. Cease their indoctrination
They are mentally molding or brainwashing you with what they say and do. Could you give it some thought? Subtle belittling, such as suggesting you’re exaggerating or hallucinating, is an attempt to make you think poorly of yourself.
They also want to gradually and deftly take over your beliefs, actions, and sense of self. When someone calls you insane or says you don’t know what you’re talking about, don’t believe it.
2. Make public their harmful actions
Calling out the poisonous habits of a gaslighter is one of the most effective methods to turn the tables on them. They believe you to be a helpless, simple-minded, and easily manipulated individual. To begin with, you’re not who they think you are. Second, you’ve had enough of their attempts to undermine your confidence and mental wellbeing.
Saying something like “I know what you’re doing” is a straightforward way to confront someone. You are gaslighting me. Anticipate their shocked, “OMG, you caught me” look or bewildered expression.
3. Fight the impulse to protect oneself.
The individual can purposefully say or do something to incite hostilities. They hope, at least in their minds, to agitate you all. They want you to become defensive to convert the talk into a fight. Then insults and more gaslighting follow. “See, you’re overreacting once more.”
The next time they try to get you into a toxic conversation, try using the agreement approach instead of their lies and denials. Or, “All right, if you say so.” Say nothing at all if it is appropriate to remain silent. Don’t expend more energy on them than is required. Remaining emotionally invested will only give them the validation and attention they desperately need.
4. Establish limits
Having healthy boundaries is important whether or not you are dealing with someone who is gaslighting you, especially while interacting with cunning individuals. By setting limits, you can distance yourself from them both physically and emotionally. They have fewer possibilities to mistreat someone emotionally.
Establish boundaries with them on their behaviour toward you, then stick to them. Conditional remarks like “I will stop responding to you if you call me “crazy” or other derogatory names” can serve as boundaries.
5. Reduce the amount of interaction
Limiting communication might help you set limits and create more emotional and physical distance between you. Keep conversations with each other brief. Even if it’s someone you love, you still need to protect yourself by taking this course of action. Suppose the other person deliberately attempts to cause you to question your memories. Avoid arguing with others or trying to validate your worth.
These days, when I say, “Recollections may vary,” I reference Queen Elizabeth II and don’t say anything more. It’s akin to the grey rocking method to give them as little attention and response as possible. The strategy is used to deflect and lessen harmful conduct from other people.
6. Give up and get out of there
With a manipulator, almost any verbal exchange might seem like a war. You can discover that you must constantly stand up for what’s true or confront the same harmful behaviour patterns. They will respond, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Yes, exactly.
It would help if you gave up trying to win an argument with a narcissist. I feel bothered when you are wrong in their eyes. They’ll either try to outsmart you or say you’re stupid. Arguing with gaslighters and manipulators is not worth your time.
My favourite method of separating from them is to say, “I’m not doing this”, in a cool-headed manner. I will abruptly exit the room if they demand it. The story ends here.
7. Maintain a diary
It’s common for gas lighters to claim you’re hearing or seeing things. They are stated differently, paranoid or deluded. They’ll doubt your recall as well. Maintain records by recording discussions and occurrences in a personal journal.
You are aware that your memory isn’t too poor. You are aware that you are not hallucinating or seeing things despite what the gaslighter may try to convince you of. Try not to persuade them otherwise. They enjoy arguing and manipulating situations to suit them.
Your journal can be a tool to confirm your experience and provide written evidence to refute others’ claims. When the chips are down, document them. You don’t always have to present people with proof when they lie. Consider using a notebook to assist you in identifying the pattern.
8: Don’t display any feelings
It’s acceptable and expected to experience destructive emotions when interacting with a friend, partner, or supervisor who is gaslighting you. Feeling upset or depressed and letting them know they shake you won’t make them feel sorry for you. They are only encouraged to intensify their efforts while you are most vulnerable.
Sociopaths and malignant narcissists, among other gaslighters, derive pleasure from witnessing the suffering of others. When they accuse you of doing what they did or hold you responsible for their acts, do not respond emotionally in any way. Project a lack of concern.
9. Refrain from forcing them to switch topics.
Stop a gaslighter from shifting the subject to recover control while they are playing mind games with you. Gaslighters frequently use this tactic, which psychotherapists refer to as diverting, to take back control of the story.
For instance, they’ll start talking about something you did if you start talking about something they did that you don’t like.
This was a favourite method of a gaslighter who is now deceased. “But you do the same thing,” he’ll say. That is a diversion, and it is expertly used to silence you or make you defend yourself. Because you are now preoccupied with protecting yourself, the other also gets to avoid taking responsibility for the actions you called out.
10. Make them answerable
Gaslighters take great pleasure in constantly battling for control over you. They occasionally act in a way that is intended to draw your notice. They detest it when you “pull off their mask” and show them for what they really are.
Don’t back down if they attempt to intimidate you into providing them with an excuse for their misbehaviour. They will try to twist, deny, and deflect the truth to escape accountability. Maintain your position. Brandish your weapon — as in your journal — and let them know you have something dirty to say about them.
11. Boost your self-confidence
Take action to rebuild your lack of confidence and self-worth. For instance, reach out to encouraging family members, attend a support group, practice self-help techniques, and seek professional assistance.
Self-help techniques include self-affirmation recitation, positive self-talk, and self-compassion practice.
Having a high sense of self-worth enables you to view yourself more favorably. You’re better at setting and upholding boundaries to protect your wellbeing. To the individual who belittled and emotionally mistreated you, you will become virtually untouchable.
More importantly, the person who gaslighted you will be enraged that you have moved on and are enjoying your life to the fullest without them.
12. Disprove the falsehoods
Gaslighters and manipulators must lie to you to maintain your bewilderment and sense of madness. They have yet to learn that you’re compiling a list of all the lies in a bullet journal. Use the list to refute their exaggerated claims. If you want to be tactful, you could say something like, “That’s not what I heard.”
I expose them as the pathological liars that they are! I don’t like narcissists, gaslighters, or pathological liars. I dated a person — one who is married. When I confront gaslighters about their reprehensible behaviour, I never mince words.
You should anticipate they will turn the tables on you and call you out for being blatantly lying. Having to deal with these people is like “chasing your tail.” When caught speaking small white lies, they never genuinely take responsibility for their actions or express regret. They’ll more readily assign blame or defend their actions. The issue is always with you, never with them.
13. Avoid arguing back.
Please avoid getting drawn into a quarrel. For gaslighters who are narcissistic, arguing is like fuel. They take great pleasure in arguing endlessly and attempting to disprove everyone. Their conceit keeps them from considering the opinions of others.
Even while it’s crucial to keep people accountable and stop them from evading, you risk getting into a fight if you don’t control the situation. I understand you could feel the need to defend yourself, particularly if they are accusing, lying, and denying you.
14. Disregard their strategies
Narcissism and gaslighting go hand in hand. Gaslighting narcissists detest being ignored, if nothing else. Please take advantage of their vulnerability and ignore them until they give up. You’ll need to do more than suddenly end the conversation and leave the room to irritate them.
They beg you to stay and talk, but you ignore them. You already know that the talk will be one-sided and full of hurtful remarks meant to make you feel horrible about yourself.
Continue to ignore them. They will become enraged and attempt to attract your attention in various ways. You can anticipate receiving a deluge of calls and texts accusing you of being cold-blooded and disrespectful. Observe who is speaking.
Try not to feel sorry for them. Both rejecting their calls and giving up your time and emotional energy by responding to their SMS are wise decisions. They want you to be receptive to communication in an attempt to devalue you or love bomb you back into their arms.
15. Call it quits on the partnership
It can be a successful tactic if you continue ignoring a gaslighter every time they attempt to deceive you with a falsehood. But someone who wants to see you suffer will keep pushing your boundaries in an attempt to take back control. In these situations, ending the relationship — whether personal or professional — might be the wisest course of action.
Breaking up with someone is acceptable if you no longer feel secure, loved, or respected in their presence.
Your mental health will suffer as a result of the manipulator’s harmful behaviour, even though they might not hurt you physically. One type of emotional abuse that is detrimental to your wellbeing is gaslighting. Ensure you have strong ties to a network of reliable individuals who can console you emotionally if the relationship ends.
If you require expert assistance to deal with and recuperate from emotional abuse, therapy is an additional choice to think about.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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