I asked 530 single women over 40 to answer this question:
The most important thing I’d like to tell single men over 40 (but I’m afraid to) is _______________ ?
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Here’s what they want single men 40+ to know…
1. Communication is so important.
Don’t be wishy washy. Have the uncomfortable conversations. If you don’t like us, it’s okay.
Tell us you don’t feel it’s a good match instead of disappearing.
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Tell us you don’t feel it’s a good match instead of disappearing. We have feelings and thoughts that we’d love to share with you. Be open to receive a wonderful partner. In the long run, it’s not about her body and face as much as it is about her character and who she really is inside.
2. Put some effort into planning the date.
A date doesn’t have to be expensive to be special to us. (For second or third dates, try these ideas: mystery drives, a picnic, drive-in movies, a hike, bike ride, or a museum).
3. Little things matter to us.
We love cards, handwritten love letters, and little gifts for each other. Small acts of kindness go a long way.
4. Pay attention to things we like and don’t like.
Listen to our words, pay attention to our actions and facial expressions. It means a lot to us to know you’re noticing.
5. Affection is important.
We love hugs, kisses, and holding hands, especially when it doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Make her feel important in your life, and take the time to really get to know and respect her.
6. Don’t put us in the Friend Zone, especially if we want more.
If you can’t see yourself with us, let us go so we can forget you and move on. We can’t do that if you’re still communicating with us. We will probably think we can eventually win you over…
7. Become friends before jumping into a relationship.
“Love is friendship caught fire.” (See below for the full quote.) Although we may both be sexually attracted to one another, PLEASE let’s take time and get to know each other as friends. Because then, whoa, baby, the sex will be even more amazing because we are both comfortable and I FEEL SAFE!
8. “Don’t judge a book by its cover”.
Women over 40 have a lot of substance to offer beyond our looks, so please get to know us and give us a chance!
9. Be a great kisser.
Kissing is a TRUE art. Learn it and learn it well, and you will have women swooning to be with you!
10. Be yourself and be present.
Please don’t try to impress us with material things. We just want you to be authentic and present. Give her your time and listen to us. Honor and respect us, and we’ll do the same for you.
11. Read online profiles (don’t just look at our photos).
Don’t make contact with a woman unless her profile “speaks” to you, and you are interested in HER—in addition to her photos. And please do not reach out to women with whom you clearly would not be compatible.
12. Be honest.
If you’re not honest from the start, you will have a very hard time gaining our trust. Tell the truth about whether you’re still married, whether you have STDs, your real age, and what you’re looking for in a relationship. We’d rather hear the truth than a lie.
13. Call a lady by her real name.
If you start off calling us babe, baby, dear, honey, it turns us off. We don’t know each other well enough for terms of endearment. (And I’m going to wonder if you’re seeing other women and can’t keep our names straight.)
14. We want to be respected, not objectified.
Don’t focus only on our bodies and sex. And don’t send dick pics—that’s indecent exposure.
Please don’t ask what we like in the bedroom or what our fetishes are before we’ve even met or on a first date.
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And please don’t ask what we like in the bedroom or what our fetishes are before we’ve even met or on a first date. Wait until we’re intimate to have intimate conversations.
15. Be chivalrous.
We love when you walk us to our car, open the door for us, and pull out our chair at a restaurant. Sure, we’re independent and can do it ourselves, but those small acts of kindness and respect will earn you lots of points.
16. We love old-school romance.
Pick a location for the date. We make decisions all day. We love when you take charge in the romantic department. Bring us flowers. Romance us from time to time, and we will love you for it.
17. Vulnerability is sexy.
An emotional man who allows himself to be vulnerable is more desirable to us than the facade of a hard, macho ego.
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To sum up
- Women want to be respected and appreciated for who they are.
- They don’t want to be objectified or seen as a sex toy.
- They want honest, open communication.
- They would love for you to romance them from time to time.
- They do want great sex, but they want you to be their best friend first.
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Please note that these women don’t expect to sit back and have the men do all the work. They want reciprocity, to be equal partners in a mature, conscious, loving relationship.
Finally, here’s the quote I referenced above, “Love is Friendship Caught Fire”. I think it’s a beautiful and realistic view of lasting love. Don’t you?
Guys, what do you think of this list? Anything you want to say to women (but were afraid to)? This is your opportunity to speak your mind and comment below.
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Photo: Flicker/zelah_w
I read this, I can see how the author might desire these things, but among other things, this entire list assumes all women are the same. I was especially put off by the “friend zone” comment, as that assumes a woman does not desire a friendship with someone they may have originally shown an interest in. This is one of those things where rule one is the rule. After the conversation, then if someone is shallow enough to run, so be it.
“I asked 530 single women over 40 to answer this question:
“The most important thing I’d like to tell single men over 40 (but I’m afraid to) is _______________ ?””
And under #1: Don’t be wishy washy. Have the uncomfortable conversations.
Slightly ironic, isn’t it…?
Summary: Women have to do nothing, men have to do everything.
On the surface, this sounds so reasonable. However, I’ve discovered that these lists are much better on paper than in reality. Too often, the women I date are putting so much energy into trying to prove to me how strong and independant they are, they fail to get to know the man they are sitting across the table from. I’m far from perfect but, I can honestly say that I check many of the items you communicate. The women I’ve dated hardly even noticed…
Neal,
The next time you’re on a date with a strong, independent woman, I recommend you let her know how you feel. The right woman would appreciate you calling her out in a gentle way. “You’re very impressive. I might hire you, but that’s not what I’m looking for in a relationship. I’d like to learn more about your passions, etc.”
Ask for what you want, and see what happens.
Hi i am Jimmy Taku from Tabilabo. Sandy Weiner we really love this post! May we post for the http://tabi-labo.com/ community and provide you credit?
We just sent the message from Facebook. thank you.
“Wait until we’re intimate to have intimate conversations.” Here I am going to disagree. I will agree that such a conversation should not happen before meeting or on a first date. But, all too often sex is the elephant in the room, especially with older women. “Because then, whoa, baby, the sex will be even more amazing because we are both comfortable and I FEEL SAFE!” Unfortunately, this often becomes sex once or twice or month and the man is told that she prefers “quality” over quantity/frequency blah blah blah. So, my question to you is: why should two grown… Read more »
Jules, I’m afraid you misunderstood my definition of ‘intimate’ and I should have been more clear. What I meant was that when men bring up sex before meeting or on a first date, it’s crass and too soon. It makes women feel objectified. When they wait until they’re dating regularly, intimate with one another (not yet having sex), they should have the sex talk. Frequency, desire, STDs, etc. Your girlfriend and you knew each other for a year before dating. You developed the friendship that most women crave before sex. And you had the sex talk, laying out what you… Read more »
18) You’ve already been through the ringer – maybe you should try being single and independent for a good long while. Get a dog and / or a motorcycle – neither has a witch step listical
Why auto fill put witch instead of which will ruffle feathers, get over it, I meant Which not Witch
Great article, Sandy. Now let’s hope the guys read it.
Thanks, Anita! And yes, the whole purpose is for the guys to learn what women want and need, just like we learn what guys want and need.
Most women won’t learn what guys want and need, but what they decide men want and need.