2 Questions That Can Make You Feel Less Tired as a Parent

Parenting is physically demanding, especially when you’re new to it.

The exposure to tiredness is consistent. Then after a while, it gets to a point where it becomes the norm. I remember wishing I had more time for sleep or more “me” time, but that also faded. What happened?

I learned how to become a parent — to complain less even when I’m exhausted.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still easily irritated when I’m tired, but, the intensity of that irritation has significantly reduced. I figured that my relationship with my daughter is much more important than the person inside me who is crying for sleep. That sounds like the most obvious thing, but that realization took about 3 years to really sink in.

There were pissed-off moments and feeling helpless in between. But somehow I managed to push through it without losing my partner’s trust and making my daughter feel loved (despite the tiredness). And in those 3 years, these 2 questions come up often.

I found them to be more effective than caffeine because they have the power to alter your mood…instantly.

Is it going to be worth it?

This is the question I ask whenever I’m torn between what I think is important and what they think is important.

In those moments, you battle with your own biases — to justify your actions. It’s never an easy choice because it comes with heavy consequences. But understand that the choice you make is neither good nor bad. Instead, it reveals what matters more to you.

Do you wanna be a parent or an individual in pursuit of your life’s mission…or both?

This reminds me of Tim Grover’s story about his daughter which made me tear up. Tim Grover is Michael Jordan’s performance coach (just in case you didn’t know) whom I admire and respect. A big part of his job back then requires him to travel to his client’s location in an instant. I would assume that all of those all-of-a-sudden travels made his daughter miss him a lot. And one time, when his daughter caught him packing, she asked if he would stay more often if she ate less. That was a moment that could only end in two ways: stay or leave.

It’s a father’s responsibility to put food on the table for his family.

We often call this “work” or “job”. It’s what keeps the roof above your head, the food, the vacations and a lot of our basic needs. As a father, I do what I can not to lose what enables me to provide for my family. But, often, it’s hard to gauge what is “enough”.

We may be able to justify the importance of whatever task we need to do, but, at what expense?

Tim Grover became one of the best coaches in the world. He knows a lot about winning. However, if I was to put myself in that situation with my daughter, I would choose my daughter immediately.

Because to me, that is winning.

Now, this doesn’t mean Tim’s decision was the wrong one.

It just shows the difference between what we consider more important (at that those exact moments). Later, his daughter understood why he did what he did. And a lot of times, that’s all that matters: for others to understand that it was also painful for us to make that sacrifice.

The only concern I have with his decision was: what if his life ended before hearing those words from his daughter?

Winning is never guaranteed, but, so is the time we have left with our loved ones.

Is this the last time?

Memento Mori, which literally means, “Remember that you must die.”

The thought of death is scary but it can be reframed to help us live a better life by enjoying whatever we have right now. That’s what this ancient Stoic principle is all about. Whatever job, work or task I needed to do is much less important than the time I can spend with my family. The importance of a job, work or task will fade, while every moment you spend with your family doesn’t.

I’m not wagging my finger on you because this sounds a lot easier said than done.

When I’m in the middle of solving a problem or in desperate need to focus, the last thing I want is to be distracted. And when I get distracted, I easily lose my patience. However, if it’s either my partner or daughter who is the one distracting, I don’t flip out that easily (or at least try not to).

I’d rather lose my job or get in trouble (for whatever reason) than pissing off my family.

Asking myself that question wipes away whatever irritation I feel, which, helps me react more positively towards them. I would wonder:

When is the last time my daughter gonna ask me to dance silly with her? Or sing a song with made-up lyrics? Or stack boxes only to knock them down? Or airplane-feed her?

I don’t know…No one knows. That’s what I keep reminding myself of whenever I get distracted doing whatever I think is important. Or, whenever I’m in desperate need of sleep.

These 2 questions help me reframe my tiredness into a more positive experience — the kind of tiredness that comes with a high dose of appreciation.

—

This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

***

You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock