Feelings of being “off” started slowly enough – almost so slow that I didn’t even realize it. My freshman year of high school was eventful with no major events to speak of, aside from my first “real” kiss. However, around the start of sophomore year, I noticed that things just weren’t the same.
Nothing seemed to bring me joy anymore and I always managed to find the negative in every situation. Activities that I once enjoyed doing resulted in an overwhelming “meh” from me. Without being too overwrought, tastes lacked flavor, sounds were duller, and colors just weren’t as bright… and that has nothing to the fact that I had recently been confirmed as having color blindness.
I realized I was increasingly feeling sad and hopeless all the time. I couldn’t figure out why this was happening, but I felt too ashamed to open up, since I had a pretty good life. However, there was a lot of pain inside that I just didn’t know how to manage.
I kept these feelings in and put on what I thought was a brave face. I didn’t want to admit that something was wrong; that I was unhappy; that I was constantly miserable. Again, shame played a big part in this. I had a great life – I had no right to be happy. I decided to just try to grin and bear it as long as I could.
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photo credit – pixabay