Kris Wolfe has a memo for you to read from your camp counselor.
A Letter from the Desk of Camp Director Hickory Digger
Happy holidays campers! As we wrap up this fine year of 2013, we’re already prepping for an exciting summer camp schedule in 2014. Head Cook Gertrude has submitted some delicious camp kitchen delights. Who knew you could mix cut-up hot dogs and beans? We also are going healthy this next year. In an effort to incorporate more vegetables, the fries will become even soggier so you’ll know you’re eating a potato. Look out for the new menu item in 2014: spaghetti!
As we reviewed 2013, the board noticed we sent home 15 girls for dress code violations and 0 boys, which I don’t understand. Wal-Mart has a plentiful supply of one-piece bathing suits. Truth be told, we’ve never had dress code rules for the boys, but alas, times are changing. One of the board members asked, “How come girls are expected to dress modestly and the guys aren’t?” So, we’ve come up with some new additions to the dress code for 2014.
CAMP RULES ADDENDUM TO SECTION 5.5: MALE DRESS CODE
5.5.1: No Deep V-Necks
Male campers need to keep the t-shirt demure. Ever heard that word fellas? No plunging V-necks. Should your V-neck be too deep by camp standards (no more than 2 inches), you will be sent to crafts with our quilt-making expert Blanche. Leather shoelaces will be provided to transform your guido V-neck into Robin Hood.
5.5.2: Appropriate Costumes Only
Gone are the days when people stereotype Halloween as a girl’s excuse to dress suggestively. This is not Sparta. THIS IS SUMMER CAMP! No 300 costumes will be allowed. Save your anticipated warrior costume for trick or treating on Jersey Shore.
5.5.3: Knee-length swimsuits
If you bring a Borat swimsuit, you will be sent home to mommy and daddy. No questions asked. Our camp is on a pond, not Miami Beach. European cut swimsuits will result in time out with the camp kitchen staff. Training for the Olympics? Save your speedos for Rio ‘16.
5.5.4: Beware the Jeans Inspector
Justin Bieber may be your celebrity idol, but if your jeans are too loose where your underwear is showing, the camp seamstress Margie will sew in elastic. Think mom jeans, not Young Weezy. Even though hipsters don’t go to summer camp, no skinny jeans are allowed. Anything that showcases bulging balls or squashed nuts will be considered a health hazard and will be sent to Camp Nurse Mildred.
5.5.5: Short Shorts
Did you see Richard Simmons at camp last year? Didn’t think so.
5.5.6: No Tank tops
“Suns out, guns out.” Didn’t you read Section 2.1? No guns…but for your case, we’ve added no pencil sticks. “But tank tops are great for rooftop parties” you may say. You’re welcome to wear your tank top by yourself on the tin roof above men’s dorm unit #5.
Oh, and for summer 2014, girls will be allowed to wear bikinis.
photo Paul-In-London / Flickr