In December 2017, I had my 18 month follow up from my successful course of chemotherapy. The results of the scan was only one of the main reasons I was anxiously awaiting the appointment. While my physical healing has more or less completed ended, my emotional healing still had a long way to go.
Some people are into positive thinking, holistic medicine, healing crystals, exercise (or shopping), or whatever else seems to be the flavor of the week as therapy. I was going to the gym regularly, and I found that it helped, but I can’t live in the gym 24/7. I tried traditional therapy and online therapy. I tried to maintain a positive outlook, but staring your mortality in the face derails that slightly. Writing was an outlet for me, but it’s not enough alone.
I also knew I didn’t want to get to the point I was at in 2006. No thoughts of suicide were occurring yet, nor was I self-harming again. However, I knew from the past how slippery of a slope it was.
So after Dr. M told me that my scans were clear, I asked if I could go on antidepressants. I knew from previous experience that I respond well to these medicines and they helped balance me in 2006.
On my drive home, I asked myself, “Is taking these pills a cop out?” Honestly, I didn’t have an answer at the time.
A few hours later, I was doing a Facebook Live video another cancer survivor, and I found my answer. The pills were not a cop out. The pills were not going to be the only way I find happiness. Writing helps me process. The gym keeps me healthy, inside and out. These pills were just be another tool in my toolbox for helping me to maintain a positive outlook, which is something I struggled with since the end of chemo. I wrote the following down as a reminder for myself:
“I’m not broken. I’m not weak. I’m not a lesser person for taking these. If I’ve ever felt brave along this journey, it’s now. I’m asking for help and advocating for my own needs. It’s a step in the right direction to putting me back onto a path of happiness.”
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