Marie slumped in the chair weeping desperately. She’d come to see me because her ‘perfect’ relationship didn’t seem so perfect anymore. Ten years earlier she had married her childhood sweetheart, Ben. For nine years, she’d felt loved and supported. In fact, she said she couldn’t have been happier. However, suddenly everything changed. Her husband started working late every night and would often have to be away during the weekends. He no longer left her little notes telling her how much he loved her and would only bring her flowers after she’d been in tears after one of their now frequent arguments.
Having been so close for such a long time, what happened?
Ben had been working as a manager in a Pharma company for several years. His relationship with Marie had been the main priority in his life. Work was a means to help them enjoy life together and travel to exotic places together. He’d never been overly ambitious, always believing in working to live, not living to work.
Then one day a senior management role became available. It offered a lot more money, a company car and his own office, complete with name plaque on the door.
More money could always come in handy. However, the idea of more recognition at work suddenly became very appealing. He felt secure in his relationship and felt it was time to put more energy into his career.
For a few months, everything was fine. It took some adjustment, but the thought of earning more money for holidays to more exotic locations sustained the changes in the relationship. But the hours grew longer and longer and Ben seemed so focused on his career that Marie felt that she didn’t matter to him anymore. They started arguing almost daily and Ben didn’t seem to understand why Marie was getting so upset. After all, wasn’t he working harder to help them both have a better lifestyle?
Why did a relationship that was so strong end up so wrong?
People’s lives are constantly changing. One moment we are out enjoying the latest blockbuster at the cinema, then the next we are forced to stay indoors for months because of a virus. Or you’ve got a career that’s soaring, then suddenly the company goes bust.
The problem is these changes don’t just affect our finances or sense of freedom; they influence our entire outlook on life.
It might seem clear how negative situations can impact us, but changes that seem positive can also affect us. Just as with Ben and Marie. Any change in our life situation, positive or negative can influence other areas of our lives in unexpected ways.
The work of Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist (1908–1970) can help us understand these changes and also make sure your relationships become more resilient. Maslow created a theory called the ‘Hierarchy Of Needs’, which describes how we have only a certain amount of energy. Where we direct our energy is determined by our life circumstances. We develop through certain stages and at each stage have specific needs. The needs we have at each stage drive us to do behaviours to fulfil that need and each stage has to be fulfilled before moving onto the next stage.
Here’s a brief description of each level:
Physiological
This is all about survival, fulfilling the basic needs of water, food and air. Hopefully we won’t be here much, although there are times where we may be thrown into this situation, for example if our car breaks down in a blizzard.
Safety
At this level we have moved away from the bad place of survival and now want security and safety. One way we do this might be getting a job that provides job security and health benefits, giving us enough money for food.
Love & Belonging
Once we have met the needs of the two lower levels, now we can focus on relationships. This could be romantic relationships, or friendships. The lower two levels are self-focused, whereas this level focuses more outwardly towards other people.
Esteem
Once we have love and belonging needs met, we start to engage in activities that make us feel better about ourselves. This could be pursuing a career, getting involved in charities or anything else that gives us a sense of achievement and boosts our self-esteem.
Self-Actualisation
When all the lower levels are met, we can focus our energy on developing our potential and actualising what we are really capable of. This is where a lot of the personal development market is focused.
How does this relate to relationships?
According to this model, people will only focus their energy properly into relationships once they have their basic survival and security needs met. If they don’t have those basic needs met, then the focus will be more self-oriented, which is not the best place to be in for good relationships. This can be seen when one partner in a relationship loses their job and is thrown back to the level of Safety. Suddenly there is very little energy to focus on the relationship. Many relationships break down in this situation.
Also, when you move onto another level in the hierarchy, there may be positive consequences, however, be aware that because your focus will shift there may be other unintended effects. That’s why Ben and Marie were having problems. Their Love and Belonging needs were being met and Ben started to focus more on his career. Unfortunately, that meant that he paid less attention to the relationship, which caused it to suffer.
3 Changes That Mean You Need To Focus On Your Relationship
1. You or your partner start working long hours — if your career suddenly takes off, that can be a great thing. Just remember that longer hours at work will have effects on other areas of your life. This can have drastic consequences over time in a relationship. So, if you have a great relationship and want to keep it, make sure that you dedicate extra time to your relationship and don’t ignore it.
2. You lose your job — this can be one of the most challenging times in a relationship. Indeed, it can be one of the most frequent causes of break ups. Therefore, knowing this in advance and preparing for it can help you build resilience. Try to work with your partner together to find ways to rebuild you sense of safety and security. Sometimes it may be okay for the other person in the relationship to be the main earner, even if you are not used to that.
3. You are wealthy and recently started a relationship! This one is a little ‘off beat’. However, if you are wealthy or famous it might be easy to get into relationships, but it can be really challenging to find a good relationship. That’s partly because if you have wealth you may attract a lot of people who are at the level of safety, where you are sought out as the ‘safety net’. At that level people tend to be looking out for themselves. So, if you want a fulfilling relationship, you need to try to avoid them. You might be better off not flaunting your wealth when you are dating. Sure, it can sometimes make attracting people easier. But it’s might to be the wrong people!
Whether ‘life changes’ are positive or negative, they can have an effect on your relationships. One way you can help make your relationships more resilient is to be prepared for them and understand what is going on. When Ben and Marie became aware of how their situation had affected their focus, they began to be able to stop blaming each other and put more energy into restoring their great relationship.
Whatever life throws at you, by developing more self-awareness you can help your relationship to become more resilient and keep the love you deserve.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: Tom MacKay