When it comes to dating, everybody likes to give their two cents.
Myself included, I’ll admit. But some dating advice I’ve come across recently belongs in the toilet. Or at least cast far away from the earth never to be seen or heard from again.
Here are some of them.
1. “Pretend like you’re not interested. It’ll make them work harder.”
The classic — play hard to get.
I’ve heard this come in all different forms, ranging from “pretend they’re like a sibling to you” to “act like you are completely uninterested” as if it’s supposed to somehow manipulate them into wanting you more.
The reality is sometimes, this actually works.
People are desperate for approval, especially if they feel it isn’t freely given. We tend to assume that we like people who like us, but actually, we like people who make us work for their approval.
It’s simple economics. The more we invest, the more we want the investment to pay off. And when it seems to not be paying off, we often double down.
Nobody wants to admit that they’ve made a bad investment, so “playing hard to get” can actually work.
But it also causes your relationship to be built on a foundation of dishonesty and manipulation.
Is that truly what you want?
An alternative approach:
Be honest about your intentions and affections. Don’t rely on manipulation tactics to gain or keep someone’s interest. A relationship founded on manipulation and mind games will never turn into something honest and true.
If it’s a real connection you want, you won’t need to trick someone into it.
2. Don’t text first.
AKA — don’t make the first move.
We don’t like to put ourselves out there and risk facing rejection. Most people prefer to let that burden rest on the other person. It’s safer that way.
There is a lot of back and forth on who should make the first move, but dating would be much more simple if we just did what we wanted when we wanted. (Within reason, of course.) The mental gymnastics of “do I, don’t I?” could be much better spent on being decisive and going for what you want.
There’s nothing wrong with reaching out or initiating a meeting with someone you like. Yes, it involves “putting yourself out there” but the only way to make anything happen in your life is to take a risk.
If everyone was so concerned with not being the “first one” to initiate, we’d never make progress.
An alternative approach:
Taking risks makes the world go ‘round.
If you want to talk to someone, do yourself a favor — text first.
The worst thing that can happen is they don’t respond. (And therein lies your answer.)
3. “Expect the worst. Hope for the best.”
In non-PC terms: assume that every person you date is going to be a jerk. Let them prove you wrong.
Boy, oh boy. Where do I begin with this one?
These days, young people go through enough heartbreak for ten lifetimes before they can legally drink in America.
And for most of us, heartbreak can leave us jaded, skeptical of love, and questioning the intentions of other people. This can make it extremely difficult to go into dating with an open mind. Every person you meet deserves a clean slate, but it can feel almost impossible to offer that.
Still, if you’re expecting every new person to be a complete jerk, consider that you shouldn’t be dating.
Expecting the worst in people will either (1) drive them away or (2) cause them to live down to your expectations.
It may sound harsh, but if you aren’t in a mental or emotional place where you can give someone a fair chance, you should remain single until you heal from your past. This doesn’t mean you have to be 100% trusting and completely open to anyone right off the bat, but you definitely should not be “expecting the worst” from them.
An alternative approach:
All people aren’t the same. Give each new person a fair shot.
Don’t allow your trauma or negative experiences to ruin your next best thing.
Remember, your past only has as much power over you as you allow. How much more of your happiness will you allow it to take?
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Final thoughts
Three pieces of dating advice that you should never follow:
- Pretend like you’re not interested.
- Don’t text first.
- Expect the worst, but hope for the best.
There are much better ways to navigate the dating world than manipulation, lack of initiative, and expecting the worst in people.
Go into dating with honesty, intentionality, and optimism and you’ll find that things have a funny way of coming together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Crew on Unsplash