There are only two types of people in this world.
Those who never want to speak to their ex again, and those sitting by their phone wishing their name would pop up.
Okay, that was a stretch, but the aftermath of a relationship ending can be a situation you’re not used to dealing with.
You’re dealing with overwhelming emotions, a lifestyle change, and often the doom of getting back on the dating market.
What about the other scenario where you both want to revisit the dynamic and give the relationship another chance?
Sometimes, that will load you up with anxiety, and other times, you will be overwhelmed with joy at the thought of repairing your relationship.
Either way, you want to approach the situation with caution.
Trust me, I write about this because I have been in your shoes before. I know what that feeling is.
There are steps you’ll want to take so you can heal from the past and lay the foundation for the future.
Remember, this is not all about your ex. It is about getting yourself back in the process.
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Open arms
Breakups are an adjustment like we talked about above. Everything in your life changes, right?
You go from unifying and molding your life to aligning it with someone else’s, and then, boom, they’re gone.
When they come back into the picture, it can be exciting and spin you into wanting to have that connection and comfort back in your life.
Pump the breaks.
Remember, a break up is a break up for a reason. However, I don’t mean it in the cliche way everyone else does.
Your relationship ended for a reason, and people spend the “break” not doing the critical work it takes to heal and prepare to fix their relationship if that’s on the table.
Healing is not limited to processing the pain you experienced, but it is also a time to reflect on what went wrong to break the dynamic.
People spend time focusing on pain and not on what went wrong. When their partner comes back (or they decide to come back), they’re so hyper-focused on filling the void that they never focus on what caused the breakup in the first place.
So what happens next?
You end up happy temporarily, all for it to come crashing down because you never thought about what needed to change. You just want that person back.
I open my Instagram to those who want answers to their questions related to their dynamic. Do you know what I hear most?
“When will they…?”
“How do I know that they…?”
Scrap all that. It is about two people and what went wrong in the dynamic. Quit focusing on welcoming this person back with open arms. It is about you also.
Question master
We have to think about how these ideas snowball into the next.
Yes, I want you to be somewhat excited when your partner returns or you decide to give it another chance.
After you get over that, I want you to remember that the reason someone ended the relationship was not as simple as the conversation that ended it.
Hopefully, a lot of thought went into the decision.
Conversely, a lot of thought should go into the process of reconnecting.
There should be a long list of questions you have for someone who wants to return to the dynamic, and they should be willing to answer all of them.
There are three that I want you to emphasize:
- How are we going to resolve disagreements? When a moment of conflict arises, what will you do to help the other person through it? We say we will behave in a particular way, but when people are angry, all that seems to go out of the window.
- How are we going to show up for each other? Relationships are not 50:50; they are 100:100. Sometimes, your partner can only bring 80. How are you going to support each other?
- What’s going to be different? If you do not have a well-thought-out answer as to what will change in the dynamic beyond fluff talk, then it’s not worth revisiting.
These questions are ones you can use to get the ball rolling. You should have developed a list of your own during the break.
New year, new me
I have said it once, and I will say it 234 times.
If you do not have a set of needs and boundaries based on your values, morals, and, yes, attachment style, then forget about the thought of a relationship and focus on yourself.
If you do have that set in place, then congratulations. That doesn’t mean all the work is complete.
When someone returns to a broken dynamic, those needs and boundaries need additions or changes to align with the resolution of what went wrong.
No, that does not mean you divert from the needs and boundaries you had before you were in the relationship in the first place.
It does mean you twist and curate them to what you need from the dynamic to restore it.
There is no way you should return to your dynamic without a new set of rules, and yes, that applies to you as the person who got let go.
As I said in the first bullet, this is not about how you can scrap and claw to get someone back who said they didn’t want you in their life.
When they come back, what are they going to do for you? How are you going to challenge the notion that all of a sudden, you’re good enough for them again?
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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a free coaching session. Here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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