I get it.
Dating is not similar to the 1990s when you hear the fairytale about people bumping grocery carts and meeting their life partners.
It is also not the doom and gloom I hear from most people today. There is no one out there. All people are trash. There is no hope for me.
To be transparent and open, if there is something off in your dating life, it is your responsibility whether or not you want to accept it.
Does that mean you hold the totality of your experiences and become the scapegoat? No.
I agree dating has changed. The way we meet people, the ways we build intimacy, and how we experience relationships are different.
I won’t agree that the building blocks have changed, and there is no way to control the success you can have in relationships.
We have all had positive and negative experiences in relationships, but there is one tough pill to swallow that we all must accept: it is a result of someone we chose to be with.
I know you want to fill that in with nuance that will add more color to the situation, but the statement is true.
Let’s avoid making the wrong choice in the future.
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Need for speed
When I listen to people talk about a dynamic they’re beginning or exiting, there is one similarity.
Patience is nonexistent.
We used to live in a dating environment that required steps.
You met someone in person, called them on a house phone, and went on a date.
That system is dead, which is ok. The part that has changed the model is the rapid and demanding expectations in a short period.
It has killed courting.
We live in a world that has told you that the second you aren’t satisfied or have a need immediately met, flake and leave.
I am not telling you to twiddle your thumbs and wait for someone to figure it out, but people’s need for instant gratification has hurt the dating game.
The shallowest issues have caused people to run.
They don’t text you enough: leave.
They meet nine needs out of ten: leave.
Modern dating has created an outlet for people to become shallow-minded, and every excuse for putting in little work for a successful relationship receives a pat on the back, and “you deserve the world.”
Reintegrate patience into your life and understand that you are bringing someone new into your world and are entering theirs.
Stop making a new person making up the gap you feel due to your past experiences.
We create a new elevated set of needs and boundaries due to someone else’s actions.
On top of that, you give them a shorter timeframe to show you why they deserve a spot in your life.
Good luck with that.
Float like a butterfly
Those who read my writing know there is something I pound into the ground.
Modern dating has created the free floater society.
You don’t have to put a timeframe on anything. You don’t have to throw a label on your dynamic. You are free to float.
Again, good luck with that.
Your dating life will not change unless you learn to date with intention.
It takes two to three dates to see where things are going.
Not one to three months.
You see each other three times a week; that’s a relationship, not someone you’re casually dating.
People are so afraid to “lock” themselves into a dynamic that they would float around and deal with worse consequences instead.
It makes absolutely no sense.
What people fail to realize is that free-floating access does two things:
- It prevents you from working on improvements like you would in a committed partnership.
- You inevitably play your options, whether that is another person or your ability to leave since you aren’t actively into anything.
Kill the idea that you don’t have to date with intention and an outcome in mind.
When you place intentionality behind your dating, it alleviates the sense of failure because you have an outcome in mind.
Silhouette
When I talk to people that I am coaching, there is a hard truth I have to deliver.
We have become so focused on the Disney fairytale that we don’t think about outcomes.
What I mean by that is that I hear story after story of someone having a problem with a partner, but they talk about the person and not the outcomes.
Let’s break this down.
In my dating life, I have made an acronym for what I am looking for SACK (selfless, accountable, caring, and kind.)
I want to be with someone who desires marriage and who also wants kids.
I focus on the outcome of what I want instead of the person I want to fill it.
I no longer get frustrated when I meet someone who doesn’t fulfill that acronym.
I know that they are not the person I am looking for. There is no reason to get frustrated or angry with them as if they are a bad person.
Ask yourself this. When you know someone is not the ideal partner you’re looking for, why stay?
The Disney fairytale says that because you’re so infatuated and have a fun connection, you have no option but to make it work.
Ahem, good luck with that.
Switch your mind frame and think about the outcome you’re looking for instead of the person you want to fill it.
…
Dating isn’t hopeless. Its time to pivot and make the changes toward finding the outcomes we want.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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