The #1 Question to Ask In Early Dating

How to Spot an Avoidant Before You Fall in Love

Ah, the sweet delight of first dating someone. The butterflies. Oh, hi. The anticipation, the flirting. It’s just like the movies—until it all goes away. It leaves you wondering how to spot an avoidant before you fall in love with them.

A quick word on avoidance before we start. The difference between avoidance and anxious attachment is how they deal with their fear of closeness. The anxiously attached hold on tight. Avoidants push it away. That’s the general pattern.

The issue this creates when dating an avoidant is that it makes an already dangerous dating moment even more dangerous.

I have long said that the most dangerous moment in dating is the moment you decide you really like someone—or even love them. The moment you decide you like someone and then feel they like you back.

The reason it’s the most dangerous moment is because we think it’s so rare. “I never meet anyone I like, and they like me back. This is it.”

And then we give everything to this situation because that’s the moment you’re liable to throw all of your standards out the window in order to stay close to them.

But with the avoidant, it’s dangerous for another reason. The moment you let your guard down and show your true feelings is the moment many avoidants begin to feel overwhelmed and start to pull away.

So what are some of the early signs of avoidance so that you can, in some way, inoculate yourself against these painful situations?

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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

1. Closeness Equals Distance

The most important sign is not that someone is distant. It’s that they become distant when you get closer.

Maybe you have a vulnerable conversation, spend an amazing weekend together, finally feel like things are moving forward, and then suddenly they become harder to reach. They’re slower to text. They’re more vague. They’re less affectionate. They need space.

In a healthy relationship, closeness equals closeness. In a relationship with an avoidant, closeness equals distance.

No, sorry about that. David is not here right now, and this is not a part of the YouTube game that I am good at.

I wanted to say something about this point because it’s one of the most important points in the entire video.

Not all avoidants are created equal. I feel like I have to say that almost as a public service announcement because there are avoidants who are toxic, malicious, truly unfeeling in their response. They ghost you at the end. As soon as you get close to them, they disappear.

And then there are other people who are not bad people. They just drag their feet a little bit. They’re people who will stretch out the time of a situationship if they can because they’re getting in their own head and making everything too difficult for themselves.

The reason I say that is because when you have someone like that in your life, there actually are practical things you can do to help people get out of their own way.

I know of what I speak here because when I was dating my wife Audrey, I was dragging my heels a little bit. There were some things she did that helped me get out of my own way. One very specific conversation changed things and led to a serious commitment and a relationship that really started to take off.

If you are in this situation yourself, don’t worry. There is an epidemic of situationships right now. So you are not alone. But you’re also not helpless.

There are things you can do that help a relationship move forward from a situationship into commitment. I have a video on it if you want to check it out. It’s a little longer than this video, but I promise you it’s worth it.

2. They React Disproportionately to Your Feelings

Let’s say you say, “I was hurt when you disappeared for three days.”

Instead of hearing you, they suddenly act as though you’re demanding, controlling, needy, dramatic, or asking for too much.

This is a very telling sign because healthy people can tolerate some discomfort and remain in the conversation.

3. They Avoid Committing to Plans

It’s as though the act of giving a date, a time, and a definite yes is something their schedule just can’t allow.

Even though there are probably many other things in their life that somehow get scheduled, like a dentist appointment.

If you notice that things tend to become vague, get postponed, or get canceled right after the two of you have gotten closer, that tells you more than the cancellation itself.

4. You’re Vulnerable, but They Aren’t

There is, in other words, an emotional asymmetry.

You tell them meaningful things. They may listen. They may even seem warm. But they remain on the outside of the relationship emotionally.

You know all about their work stress, their exes, and their travel stories, but not what they’re actually afraid of, not what they’re longing for, or what they’re feeling.

Many avoidant people can appear emotionally open while still withholding real vulnerability.

5. After a Great Time Together, They Create Distance

You might be saying to yourself, “We just had the best weekend ever, and now suddenly they’re overwhelmed with work, confused, stressed, exhausted, or they have a family emergency.”

The danger, if you’re an empath who really likes this person, is that all of a sudden you snap into support mode.

You start scouring Uber Eats for fresh ginger shots and feel-better bagels that you can send them.

Look, sometimes the responsibility they’re referring to is real. But the timing is the part that tells you something.

You got close. Now, all of a sudden, distance is necessary.

6. They Say They Want Love, but Their Relationships End When Things Get Serious

They talk passionately about wanting love but have a history of relationships ending just as things get serious.

And when they explain those endings, the reasons are often:

“The timing wasn’t right.”
“I lost the spark.”
“I just needed space.”
“I needed freedom.”

Listen for that recognizable language.

Most avoidant people don’t consciously say, “I’m afraid of intimacy.” But the stories they tell reveal that truth.

“I’ve had lots of great girlfriends, but it’s always around that 18-month period where something just happens and goes wrong.”

Strange, right?

The Problem with Trying to Spot Avoidance Too Early

There is a problem with trying to spot avoidant behavior before you catch feelings.

Feelings happen fast.

If closeness equals distance with an avoidant, then by definition, the moment you realize you have one on your hands is when you’ve already gotten close and started to develop feelings.

Prior to closeness, the avoidant doesn’t always present themselves clearly. Many can be charming.

And by the way, that’s not intentionally malicious. They may genuinely believe that you are the answer they’ve been looking for.

They think, “Yes, I was unsure in all of my previous relationships, but I feel really sure about this one.”

So they’ll start giving you a lot of energy and show up as a green flag.

The problem with spending all of those early dating moments obsessing over spotting the signs of an avoidant is that it puts you on the defensive.

Now you’re looking for every minor sign and signal to suggest someone is going to hurt you, which is not a fun place to date from.

You risk misreading things or, worse, not even giving something a fair chance.

What to Do Instead

Move from trying to spot an avoidant to becoming a person who isn’t afraid of putting themselves in situations where avoidant patterns reveal themselves.

In other words, show up ready for real intimacy and create moments where it can occur. Then see how they react.

Share something vulnerable and see if they meet you there.

Introduce them to a friend or meet one of theirs.

Ask for something small—more consistency, a phone call, or a plan for next week.

The point is not whether they do it perfectly. It’s whether closeness makes them more connected or more evasive.

You could also share an unmet need, which is one of the clearest ways to see someone’s attachment style.

For example:

“I really like hearing from you between dates.”
“When plans are vague, I start to feel uncertain.”

A secure or self-aware person may not get it perfect, but they can tolerate hearing that and stay engaged.

Someone with strong avoidant tendencies may immediately become defensive, overwhelmed, distant, or make you feel unreasonable for having the need in the first place.

If you feel distance, notice what happens when you name it.

If you say, “I feel like you’ve been more distant since our weekend together,” their reaction will tell you a huge amount.

Do they lean in and say, “You’re right. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I get close to people”?

There is a huge difference between someone who has avoidant tendencies and can still say, “I notice I pull away when I start to care,” versus someone who is completely unaware of it—or worse, blames you for noticing.

Self-awareness doesn’t solve everything, but it changes everything.

The Feelings Themselves May Be the Clue

For many of us, especially those with anxious attachment styles, the push-pull dynamic with an avoidant is the very thing that has us fixated in the first place.

Asking, “How do I spot the signs before I catch feelings?” sounds like the right question.

But a better question might be, “What’s really behind these feelings I’m having?”

Early avoidant behavior can trigger a sense of unworthiness that suddenly makes us feel like we must have them.

Even for more secure people, it creates whiplash because it doesn’t feel like a normal response to the situation.

Our falling for them may not be an indication of how perfect they are, but of how unsure our footing has become with them.

In Dorothy Tennov’s work on limerence—an involuntary state of intense romantic desire focused on another person—she explains that it is triggered by the possibility of reciprocation.

A smile. A lingering conversation. A mixed signal. A moment of unusual warmth.

Many avoidants can therefore be particularly dangerous when it comes to getting us fixated because they often show strong initial interest and then change their energy, becoming ambiguous and unpredictable.

The intense feelings we have for an avoidant may themselves be the answer we’re looking for.

Perhaps the fact that we’ve rapidly developed painfully intense feelings is itself an indicator of their avoidance.

Bring the Focus Back to Yourself

This understanding can act as a kind of pressure valve.

It doesn’t switch our feelings off, but it does allow us to view them in a more skeptical light.

Instead of making the other person the focus of all our attention, we ask, “What’s behind these feelings I’m having?”

That puts control back in our hands.

Now, instead of constantly monitoring their moves, behavior, and moods, you’re checking in with yourself.

Ask:

Are these feelings coming from feeling safe and appreciated?
Or am I getting anxious at slow responses and anticipating the next one?

When you notice yourself getting pulled in fast, pause and ask why.

Do you actually feel good around this person—relaxed, happy, able to breathe?

Or do you feel like you have to earn their attention?

If you find yourself thinking, “We’re so compatible,” while also feeling constantly unsure where you stand, pay attention to that contradiction.

And if you’re drawn to whoever gives you the most intense feelings, remember that intensity is not the same as importance.

There are many things in life that create intense feelings. Some are good. Some are terrible.

No one recommends drugs as a life partner. We shouldn’t take intensity alone as proof that something is right for us.

Final Thoughts

Instead of trying to spot every avoidant behavior before you catch feelings, let your feelings themselves become a signpost.

The goal is to stop assuming that because something feels intense, it’s good.

You can be deeply emotionally involved in something and still step back and say:

“This isn’t making me happy, and the intensity of my feelings here might actually be the warning sign I’ve been looking for.”

Let me know in the comments if this video helped you.

I would love to hear how you check in with yourself in early dating. Journaling helps some people. Many people in my audience have been using Matthew AI. There is no wrong answer. It’s just about finding what works for you.

I will see you here next week.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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