I’m a middle-aged woman, yes. But many of my closest friends are men. They are the fathers of my children’s friends. They are the husbands of my childhood friends. They are men who have taken my retreats.
I have six brothers and two brothers-in-law as well. I have helped raise boys who are now men, with their own children and wives.
As a child and youth, I was one of those girls whose best friends were always boys…until I got married. That was a tragic moment because I lost my friends that day and wasn’t ready for it. (Thank you, conservative Christian upbringing:( )
That being said, boys have always made sense to me. No, I don’t love everything about boys and men. They can be disgusting and totally inappropriate at times. They suck at sharing their feelings honestly and can be professional blow-offs (when it comes to serious things). At times!
Men in my life were most often the rocks that kept things steady. My grandfather, my father, my brothers, and my sisters’ husbands are all very solid men. When I say “solid”, I mean, the rather traditional, leader-type man. They know where they belong in the decision-making processes of the family, and stay out of the space of their wives when it is not their space to occupy. I am lucky to have had those examples.
But, tbh, I have loved men more deeply than I have ever loved women. At least until lately. Women are finally showing up as good friends. And it is a great gift.
Over the past few years, as I have reached middle age myself, I have had some encounters with men that have taught me some important things. There are three of them I want to share today.
1. Men want to share their stories as much as women do. They are not used to being heard. They are not used to sharing. This is something I noticed as I traveled the world doing retreats before Covid hit. We sat in circles and shared our lives. But, men often sat silent. They wanted to share in private, not with the group around. They found quiet moments to sit and talk or walk and talk with me. Maybe it’s because I know how to talk to men, knew how to tease them into being comfortable, or just had so much damn practice with them. I don’t know why they trusted me, really. But I’m super grateful they did. I learned a lot from them.
2. Men are tired and want to stop hurting. They want to care well for their families. And it takes its toll. They also notice that they are not as tired as their wives. Their wives are working, raising kids, and still bearing the brunt of the housework.
But, men are often hurting too much to think past their own pain, though. The context of their wives’ lives is blurring to them. They don’t usually put the time into understanding what is really happening in their lives, as a whole. They know the “whats”, but not the “whys”.
They are getting tired of their jobs, retiring or finding new work, burnt out and feeling like they haven’t “done” anything for the past twenty years.
They also feel like there is a big wedge between themselves and their wives. Sometimes they acknowledge that it is because they were not the best of all mates in their 20s and 30s. Sometimes they were the cause of that wedge…but now they want to repair it. They are desperate to repair it. The pain has become too big.
The questions I have heard them ask themselves are…
- Should I leave?
- Is it ever going to get any better than this?
- Should they pay attention to that woman at work who is vying for their attention?
But they don’t want to leave. They don’t want another woman. They just want their wives back.
And that is the tricky part. Because…
Their wives don’t exist anymore…at least in the form that they want to remember them. They are not the fun-loving spontaneous girls they were two decades ago…They have been through a lot, they have been overworked for too long to know how to relax and let their men in. This happens so often.
I explain to them: Some women will stick around, no matter their pain. Others will leave. Just because she stays doesn’t mean she is happy with how things are. She might be staying because of the financial stability, the children, the status, the lack of confidence in herself, her lack of education, etc.
I tell them they don’t even have to know why their wives stay. I ask them to consider:
- How much they really want the pain to go away in contrast with how much they, personally, want to stay the same.
- If they are willing to see themselves as responsible for the problem instead of the victim.
- What part of the healing process they can facilitate themselves.
- How they can work on their own happiness, their own fulfillment, and come home smiling each day.
3. (Some) Men are bored in the bedroom and they feel disconnected to their wives because of it.
Some of the men who talk to me grew up inside the same religious ideology I did. They may or may not be still “in”, but no matter, they have had children, their bedrooms have become places of “Missionary-style and done”.
What they had often not considered is this: Their bodies have not gone through making a baby, childbirth, breastfeeding, and the trillion sleepless nights that followed. Sex is boring as hell to their wives as well, but it’s different. Because they are a different kind of tired, maybe.
Solutions to this might be:
- Take her out.
- Surprise her with something thoughtful.
- Remind her who she fell in love with in the first place.
- Listen to her.
- Take off your “fix-it? hat.
Because women need to feel connected to you and have deep trust in you to be able to be vulnerable with you in the bedroom. This means she needs to feel respected, heard, and valuable to you.
Whether it’s her first ride with a new position or simply leaving the light on, if she doesn’t trust you…she won’t do it (Or she will do it and regret it promptly afterward).
I don’t pretend to know anything, really. These are simply things I have seen, experienced, and heard from men that I care about. Today, all of them are still married. Some of them have seen a turn in the behaviors of their wives after changing the environment between them. Some of them are still waiting patiently. I have a lot of respect for these men.
These men were willing to ask the hard questions and be told the hard answers. They were willing to put in the work, stop acting the victim, and take responsibility for their part in their own pain.
They were willing to talk to their wives, be vulnerable, and wait to see what would happen next. It is a torture-some place to be, for a man or a woman.
For that, I honor them.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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