Stop holding onto dead, decomposing relationships. As toxic as old relationships are, why is it that some people feel the need to let exes linger for longer than they should be?
There are many reasons.
But why we do this matters less than the cost of tolerating old connections.
Here are 3 harsh lessons I had to learn firsthand:
1. A friendship can hurt you
Friendship intertwines with love, connection, and romance.
It’s fine to have best friends outside of the relationship, but a couple must be best friends as well.
If not, it gives more room for either person to discard and replace their partner.
In a few of my relationships, my girlfriends never saw us as anything more than lovers. My ex-fiancé was surprised that I saw her as my best friend.
When we split up, she easily switched her label of me from “fiancé” to “friend”. She acted as if there is a clear difference between friend and lover, and that you can easily switch between them.
Yet, there’s no separating the two without destroying the other.
We remained cordial and “friendly” for another month or two. I had hoped for a future relationship, but she eventually lost respect for me and cut ties.
I risked my feelings needlessly and got hurt in the process. Since I didn’t limit my exposure to her, I’m still healing from certain triggering experiences to this day.
Another ex-girlfriend and I practiced a “friends with benefits” relationship with her for a couple of weeks before I finally ghosted her.
Like me, many people tolerate toxic situations out of nostalgia or for sentimental value. Yet, no matter what you do, you’ll never see that person the same way again, regardless of how much you wish for things to change.
The gap between “what is” and what you “can’t have” will cause suffering.
2. There are deep, inner wounds to confront
I have an anxious attachment style. If you don’t know what that is, I recommend reading:
To summarize, I’m attracted to “avoidant” women. But, as I’ve healed from my childhood wounds, my relationships have become more secure.
Yet, in the past, my relationships were toxic. In these tumultuous relationships, a breakup always came out of “left field”.
Out of desperation, I chased my fiancé and agreed to a “friends with benefits” situation with another ex. I was trying to resist a painful breakup, which is twice as bad from an “avoidant” person.
The “avoidant” partner feels relief from the end of it. Now, you’re dealing with a shitstorm of emotions. Your first likely reaction is to chase or agree to their “terms.”
As an anxious person, you may believe that if you give them space to process their feelings, they will come back to you. You are wrong.
The disturbing truth is this: They’ll pretend everything is okay, stuff down their emotions, but not process them. Maybe a few weeks or months will go by. Then, your “avoidant” ex will move on to someone else to repeat the cycle.
If you keep in touch or chase this person, ceasing “no contact” stops them from feeling shame, guilt, or regret — essential catalysts for self-reflection.
This exact situation happened to me in my first relationship.
When I first agreed to remain her friend, I signaled that I was not worth her time and effort to give the relationship a fair shot at repairing it. To the person initiating a breakup, it reinforces the notion that you’ll tolerate anything.
They could see you as a convenient backup or a body they can use for sexual gratification or emotional support without having to reciprocate the same thing to you.
3. An ex-lover may truly complicate your life
When I split up with my last girlfriend, the loss of the relationship was minor.
I felt relieved to be free of her, but I still needed to process a few feelings.
I felt sad and ashamed. I had been through another failed relationship. Instead of focusing on that, I clung to a “glimmer of hope” that I could repair a broken relationship.
You would think that if I wasn’t healing, I was at least “testing the waters” with someone else. I was single, but I committed to someone I wasn’t even in a relationship with any longer.
Don’t do what I did.
In my experience, you need to cut ties as soon as possible if they’re not interested in working with you to give the relationship a second chance. However, when you let go and let life play out as it’s meant to, it starts working in your favor.
If I had made any minor changes in my life, the random choices might not have led me to my new girlfriend.
In this new relationship, we both made it clear that we were exclusive. We reassured each other that all our previous exes weren’t in contact with us, and that’s how it should be.
Could you imagine having to explain to a new partner why you’re friends with an ex? Are there any valid reasons you could give? I couldn’t.
I don’t date people who are friends, thus every girlfriend I’ve had has always started out as a romantic interest. Keeping any of them would show my girlfriend that I don’t value her as much as my actions suggest.
There isn’t a direct link. But the people I know who talk to their exes are unhappy and alone. They spend their energy on all the wrong people and things.
They’re miserable and alone.
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Out of all people, your ex should not be your friend
Besides child support or some other legal obligation, I can guarantee that if you take the time to ask yourself why you willingly choose to remain friendly and cordial with an ex-lover, you won’t have a good reason.
Or worse, if you’re seeking friends with people you rejected, you may need to have a heart-to-heart with yourself.
It’s fine to make mistakes like this. It helps you learn and understand yourself better.
But, don’t seek friendship or validation from a past lover. Why not rekindle an old relationship or find new friends or a new partner? Don’t waste vital energy on someone who rejected you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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