3 Reasons Stonewalling Is a Relationship Killer to Anxiously Attached

When deep in a disagreement with our partner, one of the most challenging actions is to keep unity at the forefront of our minds.

Unfortunately, it can lead to someone distancing themselves from the perceived root of the issue, their partner.

We lose track of the core of the problem and shift our focus to the perceived source.

Instead of being upset at the feeling and center of the dysfunction, we get angry with the person.

For example, do you feel like there are times when you feel lonely because you haven’t experienced intimacy recently?

That is fair, but the problem occurs when we look at our partner as the guilty party and add the assumption that it is intentional that they have failed recently.

What happens when we don’t have a healthy communication system in place? We shut down and distance ourselves.

We go as far as stonewalling our partners when going through rough times as a couple.

While stonewalling can cause any reasonable person to spiral out, it affects the anxious attached the most.

There is an added layer of triggers that go beyond the general discomfort of stonewalling.

Hide and go seek

When you’re in a dynamic with other attachment styles (dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant), stonewalling can receive silence.

It is not immediately triggering because that initial period doesn’t create discomfort.

The idea takes a complete 180-degree turn when you are in a relationship with an anxious individual.

When you pull away and stonewall an anxiously attached person, they will want to rectify the situation as soon as possible.

Time is the enemy.

Stonewalling is a direct block between an anxious person feeling secure in the relationship and confident that healthy communication exists in the dynamic.

Stonewalling can cause the anxious individual to spiral because they are trying to pull closer to you instead of letting issues linger.

It is when you see attempts to break the silence. It can feel invasive.

Now, look at the state of our dynamic.

One partner feels shut out, left alone, and unable to talk to their partner.

The other partner becomes frustrated that their space isn’t respected, and they shut down more.

What do you think happens when this becomes a routine occurrence? Each partner feels an elevated sense of disrespect as time goes on.

You have added the first set of ingredients to break trust in the relationship, and it is only a matter of time before it collapses.

Its this one thing…

In a dream world, this wouldn’t be a recurring event, but if it was, anxious individuals need reassurance that there is a level of stability and communication exists.

Again, stonewalling breaks that positive buildup.

An anxious person can self-soothe and regulate their emotions when they see a light at the end of the tunnel.

That light is when their partner can openly communicate an issue, set a cadence and pathway to discussing it, work toward a solution, and show that there is still a bond that both partners are committed to.

Stonewalling puts a layer of bricks in front of that light.

Instead of thinking they are going through a rough time with their partner, questioning their self-worth comes into the equation.

Each moment and opportunity to communicate that fails strips another layer of self-worth and security.

Let’s say you have finally opened the lanes of communication again.

Now, you have an (anxious individual) partner who has a low-level perception of self-worth, doubts the relationship’s stability, and feels detached from their partner.

How do you think that person will show up and present themselves upon their partner returning?

Now, there are more ingredients in the recipe for disaster.

The final layer

If you know anything about the anxious attachment style, then you know what feeling comes last: abandonment.

The ultimate trigger and fear for this attachment style is the fear of being abandoned by their partner.

As you refuse to communicate, they feel the weight of withdrawal from the relationship.

It might feel like you are taking some time and space to distance yourself so you can reengage with your partner after thinking.

Maybe you are taking a step back because you are frustrated.

Either approach will leave the anxious individual feeling left alone, abandoned, and uncared for.

The anxious individual feels the refusal to communicate, so their mind races directly toward feeling rejected.

I understand that we can be overwhelmed with emotions, causing us to deject and pull away, but to your partner, it feels permanent if you are the one stonewalling.

You’ll notice that when you stop stonewalling an anxiously attached individual, you’ll return to a list of questions, concerns, and doubts.

They have gone through the cycle of processing life without you, feeling rejected, and losing the feeling of stability in that period.

That might sound wild to you, but that is regular processing for the anxious partner.

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Your partner needs to feel support from you.

Your partner needs to feel connected.

Your partner needs to feel like they are receiving positive support.

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I offer 1:1 coaching sessions to help people navigate relationships and dig into attachment theory. If you’re interested reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (IG) Here or at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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