Relationships enrich your life, but they aren’t free. They require regular investments of your time, energy, and attention.
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You are having a perfectly normal conversation with your girlfriend/ partner/ spouse when she starts crying. It surprises you because you thought you were having a productive discussion, but then out comes the waterworks and it’s all over. There’s no way you can say what you need to say now, because even if you say it, she won’t hear it. And even though she’s still talking—in that high-squeaky-choked-up voice that breaks your heart—you just want the tears to stop. So you’ll say anything even if you don’t get it and still have no idea what the big deal is. So what is the “it” that you aren’t getting?
Making it fit begins with getting on the same page.
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We have all been guilty of not listening, but the worst kind of not listening happens when we think we are doing an excellent job of communicating. To help get to the bottom of what’s going wrong, I spoke with relationship expert and couples counselor Barbara J. Peters, author of the books, He Said, She Said, I Said, and The Gift of a Lifetime. I asked her, “What causes people with the best of intentions to have a hard time with their relationships?”
“Communication is the biggest issue,” says Peters, “and the one I hear the most about. The biggest thing is how people view things. We all have our individual perspectives. Men and women view things differently to begin with. Add to that your upbringing and religion and socio-economic differences, and when you come together, it doesn’t just fit. So you have to make it fit.”
Making it fit begins with getting on the same page. As a financial advisor, I always counsel my clients to first know where they are at before making any changes. It can be a surprise to realize that while you are both standing in the same room speaking the same language, you might be hearing completely different things.
Solving the communication conundrum comes down to deciphering each other’s communication code, so to speak. You want to understand how she sees it, and you want her to understand how you see it. Says Peters, “There is a difference between knowing and understanding; between hearing and listening to your partner or spouse.”
Over the years, many of us have fallen into communication patterns or old habits that prove unhelpful during times of conflict. To help you crack the code and get to the heart of what she is saying, Peters identifies the following areas as being the three biggest barriers to effective communication.
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Issue #1: Definitions
Over the years, we all develop our definitions of what certain general terms and phrases mean, terms like, “dinner time,” or “date night” or “spending time together”. While we all know what these words mean, her exact definition of those phrases might be different than your exact definition.
For example, she might tell you, “I want to spend time with you.” And you think, okay, I can do that. So you come home from work, get out the iPad and check the game scores. She is over there on the couch, and you are over here in the same room, and time goes by. According to your definition, you are spending time together.
But that’s not what she had in mind at all. Her definition of spending time together means your attention, physical contact, and engagement. So she is disappointed. She tells you again, “Honey, you never spend time with me!” And now you are confused, because you think, What do you mean? We’re always spending time together!
To solve this problem, Peters asks couples to create what she calls a Love Map. This map is nothing more than a list of 62 questions ranging from ‘what time is dinner time?’ to ‘what’s your worst-case disaster scenario?’ You can create your version of a love map. After you each take the time to answer these questions, get together for a date night. Understand each other’s definitions, and then negotiate what you can and cannot accept. For example, if her dinner time is eight p.m. and in your mind dinner time is five p.m., maybe you compromise on a dinner time of 6:30.
Issue #2: Emotions
Passionate feelings can and often do get in the way of understanding. It might be that you aren’t able to hear what she is saying simply because of the way she is saying it. For example, if she says, “Why don’t you ever do the dishes?” What you hear is that she just insulted you. This does nothing to encourage the partnership of chore-sharing she is hoping to communicate.
“Your feelings are never right or wrong,” says Peters. “But, one of the hardest things can be to step out of your feelings and see things from the other person’s point of view.” This gets difficult if her emotions stir up your emotions, even if the original issue at hand wasn’t a big deal. Once emotions become engaged, it gets difficult to communicate clearly.
What’s helpful in these situations is to recognize the emotion in the other person before your emotions become engaged. Take a step back and realize, “Okay, I don’t get it, but to her, this is a big deal.” That requires setting aside your opinion on the matter (for the moment) so you can see what it means to her. In the example of doing the dishes, recognize that this is a trigger for her, and learn to communicate, “Honey, I wasn’t able to get to the dishes because a work meeting ran late. I’m so sorry. I’ll get to them now.”
Issue #3: Blame
So many conflicts or problems come from the idea that the other person is wrong, and you are right when it’s more a case of: This is what’s wrong. How do we fix it? We have all been in situations where things aren’t clicking, and problems aren’t getting solved because we become fixated on who did what wrong. How can you work toward a solution together?
This exercise goes back to the core issues of getting clear about definitions and becoming aware of emotions. “You can’t find solutions if the two of you are working on different problems,” says Peterson. “This might sound obvious, but sometimes it happens that we get stuck in old patterns. Make sure you know what you are both talking about.”
Now that you know what the problem is, you can turn your attention toward finding a solution.
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To accomplish this, Peters recommends an exercise called mirroring. Repeat back to your partner what you have heard. This gives you an opportunity to test what you understand, and it gets you both on the same page. In the case where emotions are running high, it also gives your partner another opportunity to clarify what she is trying to say.
For example, if she says, “Why don’t you ever do the dishes?” You might say back to her, “I hear that you’re pissed off because I never do the dishes.” This might lead her to recognize the inaccuracy of her statement. She might clarify: “No, I’m pissed off because I have to ask you to do them. You know it’s your turn.”
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Now you both know what you are talking about. You thought she was accusing you of not helping out when she’s upset because you have to be reminded. Now that you know what the problem is, you can turn your attention toward finding a solution you can both live with.
Relationships enrich your life, but they aren’t free. They require regular investments of your time, energy, and attention.
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Photo: Flickr/ Sarah Ross