3 Signs Your Avoidant Partner Is Shifting Toward Secure Attachment

When working with your partner to change behaviors and traits, there is a positive and a negative aspect: time.

You know it takes patience to work with your partner and develop the understanding and skills for a successful transition.

You also hope magic comes into play and the change happens overnight.

When you have identified your partner’s attachment style, you complete an important step.

When you have a partner willing to work to make changes for a healthy relationship, you complete an important step.

Regardless of where you or your partner is within this transition, remember the milestones on the way.

I know it can be frustrating to work with an avoidant as you’re trying to improve or change behaviors.

That is why I am here.

Whether you are the avoidant or the partner of one, there are progressions you should look out for to acknowledge the improvements that have happened.

It’s unfair to ride the wave of hope and sit in continuous anticipation that your partner may change.

Also, don’t push your partner to wake up tomorrow and be a different human.

There is a path forward.

One with promise that provides a realistic view that your fight is worth it.

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A helping hand

When you read my articles, I consistently remind you something about avoidants: their love of independence.

There is another angle I want you to try and acknowledge in your partner.

Yes, it’s a milestone when your partner becomes less resistant and engages with you in conversations.

Let’s take it a step further and look for moments where they turn to you for help.

No, I don’t mean, “Hey honey, can you help me get this off the shelf?”

As your avoidant partner grows, they won’t need as much time to process their thoughts and emotions. You’ll be able to communicate at a higher frequency and optimal cadence.

Let’s say we are still working on that as a separate task.

Another component of the avoidant nature is to bear the weight of emotional responsibility. “I can do this alone and shouldn’t ask for help.”

When your avoidant partner turns to you and asks for your thoughts and input, recognize this as a moment of growth. It is not a one-off moment.

Use this as a time to engage with them. These are opportunities to tap into their emotions and subconsciously offer that to you.

It might seem like a random thought, but your partner is learning to let go of the do-it-alone attitude. Your response at this moment can set the stage for the future.

Reception before the ceremony

When you approach your avoidant partner with a topic that can turn into a conversation about relationships, emotions, feelings, or a task, there is a chance they consistently shut down.

It is like they are adding fuel to the fire because their response to a conversation can make the situation tense and combative.

You want to approach them and feel like you won’t be immediately rejected or feel like you’re asking for too much.

Again, for the avoidant, this is another task that takes time.

When you practice some of the methods I teach and reverse your sentence structures, your partner’s reaction will improve.

It seems like a twelve-step process to get to a base level with avoidants. Stick with me.

The first thing you should look for is improvements in your partner’s reaction to moments when you approach them with a “sit down topic.”

It takes time for them to develop the skill to process, positively react, and engage, but let’s acknowledge a partner who is receptive and not creating a tense environment with your approach.

It feels easy for you, but your avoidant partner is working on accepting and engaging in conversation without feeling like they’re being accused of wrongdoing.

The feel

When talking about avoidants, we usually talk about emotional connection and the distance you feel.

Do you want to know something that doesn’t come up as often? Physical connection.

We don’t talk about how physical connection can lead to the emotional connection you’re looking for with your avoidant partner.

When your avoidant partner increases their physical connection, it is a sign that they notice the importance of connecting.

Ideally, the connection would be verbal, but look out for this sign.

When your avoidant partner closes the physical proximity, it shows that they are letting their guard down and they’re building trust.

Reaching out to hold hands, a hug, or cuddling are all displays of affection, but they’re also displays of forming a bond.

Dismissive avoidant want to form a close bond and connection above everything. They need time to trust that connection.

Acknowledge these moments with positive reinforcement, and your partner will build upon them and become consistent.

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I wasn’t born yesterday. I know working within this dynamic can be frustrating at times, but remember, the hike is more important than starting at the mountain top.

Look out for the small signs rather than setting the bar so high your partner cannot reach it.

When your partner is doing the work, meet them with grace.

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I offer 1:1 coaching sessions to help people navigate relationships and dig into attachment theory. If you’re interested reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (IG) Here or at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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