Communication is the backbone of connection, highly correlated with relationship satisfaction and intimacy. As humans, we intuitively pick up the vibes in others’ speech and even more so, in body language. With some minor tweaks and adjustments, you can learn how to effectively convey your deepest thoughts and feelings, in a manner that can be understood and accepted by your partner.
As a Marriage & Family Therapist myself, I’m always amazed at the number of relationship professionals — counselors and therapists — who never work with their clients on real-life communication skills. The Gottman Institute — renowned marriage & relationship experts — can determine your marriage success probability based off of your communication patterns. Using negative communication techniques, such as criticism, blame, and contempt invariably leads to relationship destruction. Whereas communicating with empathy, positivity, receptiveness and personal responsibility leads to connection.
So too with body language. There is a significant difference in levels of emotional connection when we exhibit positive body language such as turning towards our partner, or making eye contact or (very importantly) putting down the phone when spoken to. When we turn away, or use our body language to turn down a bid for connection, we essentially are broadcasting a rejection, and pushing away our partners.
In working with my clients, I stress how these minor infractions add-up over time. They sow distrust, erode emotional safety, and create a breeding ground for resentment and division. It is for this reason that it is so important to build positive, non-judgmental and effective communication skills. These include only communicating about sensitive matters at the appropriate time and in the proper place, keeping the focus on your feelings, and making reasonable change requests. Let’s turn practical and learn some basics.
Relationship-Oriented Couple’s Communication
Effective relationship-oriented verbal communication, at its core, is an attempt to express your inner emotional experience. The purpose of which is to inform your partner of what is going on inside, for you. Often times, you may want some behavior change as well, so it is important to express that request too.
A key to successful relationship-oriented communication is your own state of mind before you express yourself. It is known that much of your partner’s reaction will be based on the way you approach them. If, internally, you really are blaming your partner for your own feelings (“you made me feel this way”), or you are critical of your partner’s behavior (“what a total moron/loser/jerk”), or are suspicious of your partner’s motivation (“you are being nasty because you hate me”), those messages will come forth in your speech, 100% of the time.
On the other hand, if your inner-reality is that only you are responsible for your thoughts and feelings, the energy behind your message changes from blame to an expression of your personal, subjective experience of reality. When you convey that you don’t really know (and are not suspect of) your partner’s motivations, but you are aware of your own feelings, then verbal communication can be very effective. This means that my communication is an attempt to describe my thoughts and feelings based of my own reactions to my own lived-experience. Importantly, relationship-oriented communication is not an opportunity to lambast your partner, criticize or blame them, or start a fight about “how you made me feel” or “how could you do that to me?”
I’d like to share with you three principles to communicate effectively. Let’s begin our communication journey with a common scenario, and learn how to go from poor to great and connecting speech.
The Setup
Doug and Marsha were out on a date to his 15 year high-school class reunion. At the punch-bowl, Doug bumps into Bob, who remembers him distinctly. However, Doug’s memory of Bob is a bit clouded, and while he is all smiles externally, Doug is freaking out a bit inside. Eventually, Doug slips up, and it becomes clear that he has no recollection of Bob, at all. Marsha laughs out loud at Doug’s social faux pas, leans into Bob and confirms that Doug has no real memory at all and is embarrassing to be with in public. Bob and Marsha laugh and think this is funny. Doug is mortifyingly humiliated.
In the car, Doug is fuming. Using our three step approach, Doug will let Marsha know how he feels.
1. Chose the right time and place
Before we begin looking at the details of effective speech, it is crucial to understand that when and where you communicate is often more important than how. If you or your partner is in a state of agitation, stress, anger or frustration, expressing yourself well or even being really heard is rarely possible. If you are in a public space or any place where you may be interrupted, it is difficult to create the right atmosphere to connect. And if one or both of you are under a time constraint, then you most likely will be pressured to the point of distraction. Make sure that you chose a place conducive to conversation, can connect face to face and calmly share thoughts, and that you have enough time to work things through.
In our scenario, Doug wisely chooses not to discuss the evening’s events with Marsha on the car ride home, as he is extremely emotionally charged and would have to interrupt the conversation inside once he rolls into the driveway. Instead, he waits till they are comfortably settled in at home.
2. Keep the focus on your feelings
One of the most frustrating parts of communicating is arguing about the details of the situation. When this happens, it is not uncommon that the conversation essentially blows up right here, turning into a he-said, she-said over what actually occurred. This is really upsetting because you completely misunderstood what actually occurred, the details are usually not that important — how you emotionally experienced the situation is. That’s why it is critical to keep the focus on yourself and your feelings.
The “I-Statement”
An “I-Statement” is the first step in effective communication primarily because it immediately shifts the frame of reference to you, the communicator. It is formulated in such a way that it removes as much judgement, subjectivity, and motivational-insinuation as possible, leaving only a brief, factual description of an episode (event, scene), and your corresponding feeling (how that event emotionally affected you). It is designed specifically to emphasize your emotional reaction, and to minimize any implicit criticism or discussion of the details of the event itself. It assumes personal responsibility for one’s own emotional reaction, based off your “lived-experience”, and ascribes no blame onto the other. Finally, it may include a change-request from your partner, built on the trust and goodwill implicit in your relationship.
Recently, I-Statements have been given a bad rap. Many articles and flashy advice-blogs have decried that I-Statements don’t work. In my opinion, this is because most people don’t know how to use I-Statements properly, and therefore defeat the entire purpose. In actuality, a well crafted I-Statement works wonders — they can shift the entire conversation not only for the listener, but for the speaker as well. But in order for them to work, they need to be well crafted — let’s see some examples:
Really Bad to Just-OK Communication
Typically, when we are angry, we tend just to blurt-out our frustrations, i.e. “Marsha, you are so rude!” This will not get the desired result of being heard and understood. Here is how Doug can progressively convey his feelings using an I-Statement, each one better and more effective than the previous:
- “Marsha, I think you are rude!”
- “Marsha, I think your behavior was rude.”
- “Marsha, I experienced your behavior as rude.”
Notice how Doug’s communication improves from character assassination (“you are rude”), to criticizing her behavior, to just a description of how he experienced Marsha’s behavior. In describing your thoughts about and experience of another’s behavior, this is the best it’s going to get. But it can get much better, and much more effective.
Just OK to Great Communication
So let’s take this to the next level. If we are interested in sharing our feelings and ultimately arresting the behavior (and not arguing / debating it), we can do better by making sure not to blame our partner in any way. This is done by not describing the offending behavior at all. Instead, we can focus only on two things, namely
- The lived-experience (Bob & Marsha laughing at how Doug is forgetful)
- The emotions you experienced by the action (humiliation).
Lived-experience + Emotional Reaction:
“Marsha, when you and Bob were laughing at my forgetfulness, I felt humiliated.”
For an even more effective statement, preface with a good-will disclaimer, letting our partner know that you are not harboring any suspicions that they intended you harm.
Good-Will Disclaimer + Lived Experience + Emotional Reaction:
“Marsha, I’m confident you meant no harm, but when you and Bob were laughing at my forgetfulness, I felt humiliated.”
How powerful. And what a difference this will make in your ability to convey your feelings, and actually be heard.
3. Make a reasonable change request
The ultimate purpose of communication is not only to convey feelings, but to encourage change so that the offending behavior will not be repeated. This is done my making a change request. Notice, we are making a request, not a demand. Further, it must be reasonable and measurable. Reasonable means that it is something your partner can actually do. For instance, the request “From now on, never again think negatively about me” isn’t going to work because it is unreasonable that your partner will never have a negative thought about you. Similarly, “From now on, be nicer to me in public” will also fail, in that being “nicer” is not measurable. Here’s a way that will work:
Good-Will Disclaimer + Lived Experience + Emotional Reaction + Change Request:
“Marsha, I’m confident you meant no harm, but I want you to know that when you and Bob were laughing at my forgetfulness, I felt humiliated. I’d appreciate it if you would try never to laugh at me when we are out together. Is this something you can do?”
Asking Marsha to try and never laugh at him publicly is reasonable — there are many couples who don’t poke fun or criticize each other publicly as a matter of principle. It may require effort on Marsha’s part, but with some work it can be done. And, it’s measurable — unlike “being nicer”, if she ever finds herself laughing at his expense, she has violated his request.
No Magic Bullet — But Close
I-Statements are not a magic-bullet to get your way in your relationship. Just because you express yourself well doesn’t mean your partner is now obligated to succumb to your every wish and desire. However, I-Statements are a very effective way to share your experiences and feelings so that your partner becomes aware of how their behavior affects you, without accusations, criticism or judgements. Because of this, they open up your partner to making changes that they know are important to you, without feeling defensive about how they behaved.
When Doug finally got it right, notice that he made no commentary on Marsha’s character or even her behavior. He is not blaming her, judging her, or ascribing any motivation to Marsha at all. He is merely expressing his emotional reaction to an experience that she participated in — namely that she laughed and he felt humiliated. By focusing on his feelings without attacking her, Marsha is free to empathize with Doug, and relate to his feelings of pain.
Further, by prefacing his statement with a good-will disclaimer, he immediately removes any blame or wrongdoing on Marsha’s part. This will open her up to really hearing what he has to say, even if she internally knows that she mis-handled the situation.
Finally, by closing with a change request, Doug is asking from Marsha that she be more careful in the future regarding how she treats him in public, without demanding, blaming, criticizing or judging her.
Communication is always reflection of what’s going on inside of you. If you thoughtfully choose when to communicate, own your feelings and experiences, refuse to blame and criticize, and make clear requests of your partner, you are not only communicating effectively. You are modeling excellent behavior and relationship standards, as well as conveying vulnerability and trust. All these form the foundations of an excellent, loving relationship.
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This article first published @ 3 Steps to Great Communication
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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