First, my confessions
Perhaps the worst part of dating is the confessions stage, where you share something that might be a dealbreaker for the person.
The following three things may not seem huge, but look a little deeper and they become significant dealbreakers for some people.
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#1: I am a dancer
I tell men this right away because if they get easily jealous, or are possessive of their woman, this is not going to work for either of us. I tell them that I spend a lot of my free time doing something that can be very romantic and intimate in the arms of a variety of men.
Photo by author: Me dancing with a friend — and yes, just a friend.
This includes going out dancing with them and inviting them over to practice. And I don’t dance with just one man — I’ll take any skilled guy I can get my little paws on.
I’ll even fly across the country to spend a weekend dancing with total strangers.
A man dating me simply needs to know that sometimes a dance is “just a dance” and that I have spent 20+ years compartmentalizing it as such.
I hate to burst the fantasy, but when I go out dancing, the men I’m dancing with are pretty much just looking to dance.
They forget about me the second the song ends and another woman is whisked into their arms. And I’m not out there trying to seduce these men and entice them into buying me drinks and asking me out.
Dancing is awesome for cardio and body conditioning. More importantly, it is a huge source of playfulness, expression, and creativity for me. I likely won’t give it up for anyone.
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#2: I am a writer
That means that I write about what’s happening in my life. If YOU are happening in my life, there is a good chance I will write about you — and what happens between us, within reason.
Photo by author
Being a writer means that although I am a fairly private person, in some areas I am very transparent, which means that I make myself and my stories vulnerable to judgment and commentary by others.
I will sing his praises in my writing and use him as an example of what we need more of in the world. If he is okay with it, I will want to celebrate and elevate my man in my writing.
Will I also talk about how he broke up with me on my birthday or waited until Valentine’s Day to tell me he was engaged?
I don’t write to publicly vent my drama. My intention is share stories, experiences and insights that I believe will be helpful to others. I do my best to be careful and mindful with how I craft those stories.
Whenever possible, I get permission first to tell stories involving other people, or I mask or blend details or scenarios, but sometimes the best way to tell a story is exactly as it happened.
True stories fascinate people. The details help us see ourselves or someone else in a story, which builds receptivity and connection with the message.
I want to be as real as I can push myself to be — and it isn’t easy. People connect with real. I want to impact, influence, and entertain people — and right now, I do it through writing.
So… speaking of entertaining…
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#3: I perform stand-up
While I am not actively performing now, it is something I spent several years doing and I loved it whole-heartedly. I will not hesitate to jump back on stage again and I do plan to return back to it. I get on stage a couple times a year just to stay connected to it, but I don’t perform regularly.
Photo by author
While I don’t actively work on material, I definitely keep notes of material that comes to me. If you ever see me frantically jotting something down on a scrap of paper, there’s a good chance it’s material.
I never mock or make fun of my loved ones (even my exes) and I don’t believe in doing mean humor. However. An open mic can be like a public therapy session where anyone can get on stage to vent about anything they want to a captive audience.
I personally haven’t done that but I saw it a lot. So I get why people are hesitant to date a comedian.
While you don’t want to piss off someone who has the power and courage to speak to an audience, you also have to trust that they will respect you and your relationship over the temptation of an amazing 20-second bit guaranteed to get an applause break.
That’s a tricky one.
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Now back to you
We all have things we should confess or share at the beginning of a relationship that could be a dealbreaker for our partner. It goes beyond religion, politics, past traumas, medical history, and personal beliefs.
Consider the parts of your life that might not seem like a big deal, but to someone else, could be a dealbreaker.
I know a girl who couldn’t handle that her boyfriend is best friends with his ex. I once turned down a guy after he shared that he is possessive of his girlfriends.
On the surface, these things might sound reasonable, but think about what that translates into over time and depth.
That guy wasn’t just possessive, he was extremely possessive and would not have wanted me dancing or socializing with other men. The ex wasn’t just his best friend — she was overly involved in his life and oftentimes took priority in ways that were very hurtful to my friend.
People don’t want to waste their time getting all excited about someone and then learning six months later that they fell in love with someone who is committed to something they can’t accept.
If you are dating, consider what your disclosures are that will help you weed out unsustainable matches.
Don’t waste their time, and certainly not yours. ❤
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: All photos by author. Main Image: “This is the look I make before I make a confession.”
