3 Things to Never Say to Single People

I’ve been single for almost 6 years.

It’s been a wild ride — I went from raw heartbreak to pretending I was fine to raw heartbreak again and then to a self-transformation that has brought me true peace with being alone. I’ve gotten to a point in life now where I appreciate my own company and am confident enough without a partner, but I am also not opposed to being open to romantic opportunities. It’s freeing.

Throughout the course of my single life, though, I’ve gotten a lot of comments that just downright bothered me. People often aren’t willing to admit how clueless they are when it comes to figuring out what to say to single people; more often than not, if a person in a relationship is talking to a single friend, the conversation feels shrouded in awkwardness and a loss of words and wisdom. Quite honestly, that’s fine. I would much rather people say nothing at all than to say the things they’ve said to me and other singles.

So let’s talk about it. Here are the top things that, from a single person’s perspective, we hate to hear.

“Just work on yourself for now!”

I know people mean well when they say this, but it genuinely feels insulting and condescending. It feels like people in relationships are saying, Hey! I have it all figured out and my situation has been resolved, but since yours hasn’t, just take my arbitrary advice. It can also feel like an insult — as in, why do I need to work on myself? Is there something wrong with me? It doesn’t go over well, and it gives the impression that there’s a *reason* why someone is single or that they need to trudge through hard work first in order to earn it.

Secondly, the concept of “working on yourself” is a skill that everyone should learn — not just single people. It is an essential journey that I really believe everyone needs to embark on, rather than a backup plan to fall back on if relationships don’t work out. We only have ourselves in this life. Building a relationship with and understanding ourselves is so beneficial for emotional intelligence, stability, and future relationships.

Many of the people who have said this to me are people who have been in relationships for most of their lives. It just sets a bit of a double-standard and makes me wonder. Quite frankly, I think that the people who need to work on and get in touch with themselves the most are people in relationships; single people have more time and opportunity to do this, whereas people in relationships may not understand its true value if they have not had time to develop it. This advice just seems unsolicited and hypocritical.

The point is, just don’t say this. It often doesn’t go over well and can be implicitly offensive.

“It’ll happen when you least expect it”

Yeah, no it won’t. I understand the whole idea of that being true, but for someone who is single or actively seeking out a relationship, this is discouraging to hear. Some single people have been waiting months or years for a relationship to come along or for a spark to ignite. Sometimes in this life, love is a matter of destiny or luck, and it’s okay for people to get tired of waiting. Hearing this isn’t any consolation at all; it just seems to draw more attention to the absence of romance in someone’s life.

Further, some single people don’t want a relationship for whatever reason. They don’t care for a significant other and therefore, receiving advice like this is just unnecessary and implies that a relationship is the be-all-end-all expectation. It’s perfectly fine for someone to not want that unexpected connection. Some are perfectly content on their own, and that should be respected and celebrated.

“Don’t worry — you’ll find someone”

Right on par with what I said before about how some people simply don’t want a relationship and are content on their own leading independent lives, this implies that a relationship is the end goal and that they should want one. A lot of single people are, in fact, not worried at all because they feel great just where they are. Let this be okay and support your single friends rather than sparking an insecurity or prompting worry.

And on the other hand, for people who are actively seeking relationships and may already be discouraged or disheartened at their lack of success, a comment like this can just add fuel to the fire. It feels dismissive and flippant of some people’s (very) powerful feelings and desire for companionship. It can be distressing to look for a partner for years and years and still not be able to find one, and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can start to feel impossible. This phrase, while seemingly reassuring, is just not helpful or convincing. It may be a rough topic in the first place to talk about.

So in short, no matter what kind of single person you’re talking to — a happy, Miss Independent one or someone who’s having kind of a rough time, or even somewhere in between — saying this just has very little redeeming value.

Here’s the thing: I don’t mean to attack anyone. If you have ever said this to a single person or one of these phrases is your go-to, I don’t blame you. Single people don’t often talk about what is helpful to us versus what is harmful or simply unproductive. But the key to communication and healthy relationships — including friendships — is communication. It’s time that we were transparent about singleness the way that so many people have been transparent about the complexities of their relationships. There are simply too many single people in the world to not consider this perspective.

A good rule of thumb is to simply read the room. If your friend or acquaintance expresses that they are actively looking for reassurance, try to make the conversation about them and their qualities; instead of, “You’ll find someone,” you could say, “You are amazing in so many ways. I know that your future partner will be very lucky to have you.” Or, if you know your friend is just looking for that enthusiasm about the single life, you could say something like, “I really love how well you take care of yourself and carry your independence. It’s an admirable trait.”

And as with many situations, if your friend does not outwardly express what they are thinking or what kind of support they need — just ask!

We are so much better as a society when we’re all willing to hear each other out.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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