The longer you’re with a narcissist you realize something’s missing. But there’s so much charming noise it’s hard to figure out exactly what it is. Instead, it becomes a nagging thought that follows you around.
Something is not right. But the feeling comes as easily as it goes. You dismiss it.
Unless you’ve loved a narcissist, it’s hard to describe. There is a sense that all is right with this person while simultaneously all is wrong. Two highly conflicting messages flung towards your head and heart.
It’s a struggle to capture the confusion you feel…before you realize you do not love a person.
You love a narcissist.
The nagging thought finally catches up to what is missing.
Empathy.
You have attracted yourself to an individual with a severe personality disorder who, ironically despite their intense lack of feeling, casts a wide and persistent emotional shadow on those who love them.
You finally understand why you have felt chaos, conflict, and confusion.
This is when you crave three crucial things.
1. Others like you
Initially, you want the world to recognize the haunting contradiction: Both the butterfly and the beast. But they don’t. This frustrates you so you beg, you shout, you cry. You feel crazy. You feel unheard. You feel injustice. Finally, you give up.
You go in search of others like you.
The ones who chased after the butterfly and caught the beast. You tend to one another. You believe each other’s truth. You cheer loudly. You empathize. You are there in the dark. You are the light of escape.
You crave others like you.
2. Connection
You don’t sense the lack of connection as you fall for the narcissist. Because you are as deep as they are empty. You operate at an emotional surplus.
You enthusiastically contribute enough empathy and feeling for two.
It’s who you have been your whole life. So you exhaust yourself from sharing and giving. You take care of all of the people in your world so it’s hard to recognize the narcissist’s detachment from others. And you talk. You share all of your hopes, fears, and dreams with the narcissist.
You just fail to notice they are not absorbing it.
You think they are like you. But they are never making the connection. That’s okay at first because givers don’t recognize selfishness. Then one day you meet loneliness.
The tortured loneliness only others like you can imagine.
So you crave connection.
3. Reality
When exposing the narcissist, some believe you crave those who will take your side. They are mistaken. You don’t crave sides, you crave reality.
After all, there aren’t sides when it comes to emotionally abusive individuals.
This is a situation of strictly right and wrong.
The narcissist has emotionally pillaged you leaving nothing in their wake. You want it acknowledged. You want it to stop. You want fairness and equality. You want to move forward.
You want an adult on the playground to stop the bully.
But the narcissistic bully is sneaky and fools people.
So you crave reality.
If only you had understood what was missing sooner. But that would have meant realizing the butterfly was also the beast. There was too much charming noise to hear anything.
Nothing to warn you.
You hadn’t fallen in love with a person.
But instead, a narcissist.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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