3 Things You Say that Poison Your Relationship without You Knowing

You build your relationship with words. That’s how you get to know your partner, fall in love, and share your interests. That’s also how you end your relationship: by saying hurtful things to the person you once loved.

Yet, nobody really thinks about what they say.

You speak impulsively and create a snowball. With each sentence, you hurt each other more, and the problem grows until it’s out of your control.

You poisoned your relationship without even realizing it.

These sentences seem harmless, but they are the silent trigger of a slow and painful downfall of your relationship.

“It was nothing.”

When you feel threatened, you’ll either run or fight. “It was nothing” is a way to run from an argument with your partner. But you missed one important detail.

Your problems grow when you don’t solve them.

When you avoid confrontation, everybody loses. You lose because you don’t have the opportunity to speak up. So your feelings get hurt, and nobody does anything about it. Your partner loses because they don’t know they hurt you. They never get the chance to improve.

“It was nothing” is dangerous because it gives your problems the time they need to grow until you can’t solve them anymore.

What you should say instead.

It’s easy to say, “it was nothing,” when you’re upset. It’s difficult to understand what upsets you and communicate it to your partner.

The first step is to understand what truly hurt you (it might not be obvious). So before you speak, take some time to reflect on your feelings. The second step is to speak up.

Here’s an example:

“I’m upset with the way you spoke to me.”

With this short sentence, you communicate your feelings and what hurt you. That’s a great starting point for a conversation that can finally solve the problem for good.

“Leave me alone!”

Few things hurt more than fighting with the one person that’s supposed to love you. In these moments, love can easily turn into hate. “Leave me alone” sounds like a harmless way to calm down when your emotions run high.

Except “leave me alone” puts a wall between you and your partner.

Take a moment to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. You do your best to solve the problem and support your partner. But all you get from the other side is, “leave me alone!”

You don’t sound like you need space. You sound aggressive.

That’s the fastest way to drive your partner away and kill their motivation to help you. You stop communicating when you need it the most.

What you should say instead.

Before you speak, you should focus on what you truly need. You don’t need to drive your partner away. You need to figure out your emotions.

Here’s how you can say it nicely:

“I need space to understand my emotions.”

That sentence is 10x nicer than the other one. It’s not about your partner; it’s about you and your feelings. This way, your partner won’t take it personally and will become more willing to help you.

Don’t treat your partner like your enemy. Treat them like your best ally.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Did you ever stop to think about the meaning behind “there’s nothing to talk about”? Hint: it’s way more powerful than you can imagine.

You already broke up; you just don’t know it yet.

When you care about your relationship, there’s always something to talk about. You’ll want to solve the problem as soon as you can because you cherish your partner.

But you wouldn’t want to put in this effort when you don’t care anymore.

When you decide there’s nothing to talk about (even though there’s obviously something wrong), you’ve probably already made an unconscious decision.

You gave up on your relationship already.

What you should say instead.

You don’t need to be ready to talk whenever your partner wants. But it’s not okay to lie just because you’re uncomfortable.

You shouldn’t say there’s nothing wrong when you’re obviously upset.

That only makes your partner annoyed. They can see your words don’t match your actions, and that’s incredibly immature.

You have to be a grown-up and own your emotions:

“I’m upset, but I’m not ready to talk now. Can you respect my space?”

You need to say how you feel and what you expect from your partner. This way, they don’t have to read your mind. They know there’s something wrong and will wait until you’re ready to talk about it.

This approach is 10x more mature than avoiding your problems.

…

These sentences destroy your relationship every time you don’t understand your emotions and avoid problems. It’s a slow and painful death.

When you control what you say, you control your relationship.

Don’t let your words destroy the most precious thing you have. Great communication isn’t rocket science. All it takes is two people willing to work together.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***