3 Things You Should Never Do When a Guy Loses Interest

You text every day. You have great chemistry. Your dates are amazing. You talk about the future. Your relationship seems perfect.

Until it isn’t.

Without warning, he stops texting. When you text, he takes hours (or days) to reply. What’s worse: you can’t imagine what changed his behavior. You’re left to wonder why this (apparently) amazing relationship failed.

There’s no easy way to say this: he lost interest in you.

The reasons don’t matter. What matters is that he’s not into you anymore.

You know this wasn’t an official relationship, but it hurts just as much. You saw so much potential, and it pains you to see it’s gone. He may have lost interest, but you’re still emotionally invested.

Here’s when you make mistakes.

When you’re emotionally involved and in pain, you’re vulnerable. You don’t think rationally: all you want is to know why it ended (or have him back).

That’s the worst thing you can do. Although you’re in pain, take a step back.

Here are a few things you shouldn’t do when he loses interest (and what to do instead):

1. Send long paragraphs.

When things end abruptly, you’re left with questions. What did you do wrong? Was everything a lie? Is there someone else?

It’s like you have unfinished business, and you can’t rest until it’s done. He can’t simply stop texting you: he has to be accountable for his actions. He has to know how much he hurt you.

Your first instinct is to get it out of your chest. You want closure.

So you send him a long paragraph explaining why he’s wrong.

Although you hurt, I want you to imagine things from his perspective. He’s seeing this girl, but it’s not serious. You’re still getting to know each other. Things go well, but he decides he doesn’t want to move forward (for whatever reason).

One day, he wakes up to a long paragraph accusing him of being a monster.

What do you sound like from his perspective? Here are a few options: crazy, needy, or emotionally unstable. Whatever you say, it won’t change his mind (quite the contrary).

What do you expect from that text?

You may say you want closure. Except when he’s not interested in you, that’s closure. Closure isn’t a dramatic conversation. Sometimes closure is just letting life run its course. And, whatever you say, you won’t change his mind with a long text (quite the contrary).

There’s no good outcome from sending him a long paragraph. You’ll be impulsive and emotional and won’t have the result you want.

So keep your hands off your phone.

2. Obsess with social media.

When a guy loses interest, social media becomes your biggest enemy. This happens for two reasons.

First, you have 24/7 access to his life (although you’re not in it anymore). So whenever you open Instagram, his stories will be the first on your feed. When you miss him (and you’ll miss him a lot), all you have to do is check his profile. You’ll know what he’s doing and who’s with him.

Except it gets impossible to move on when you have a constant reminder of his existence. Social media makes you feel good because you can see him, but it stops you from healing.

The second reason is your own feed. You’ll want to use it to make him jealous.

You’ll feel tempted to post stories with your girlfriends or maybe at the gym (so he knows he missed a hot girl). What matters is that he sees how well you’re doing. He meant nothing, and you’re over him (except you want him back).

The problem is that, no matter what you post, he’s not interested.

Let’s say he sees your stories. You feel hope: why would he see your stuff if he’s not interested? Well… watching your stories means nothing. It doesn’t mean he wants you back. It just means he was on Instagram (like everybody else).

You overthink small details, although they mean nothing. So you never move on.

When you go through a breakup (although it wasn’t official, he still left you), you should also break up with social media, even if it’s temporary. Have a detox week, and find other ways to distract yourself: watch Netflix, read a book, or game.

It might feel impossible, but you can survive a few weeks without social media.

3. Make him a monster.

When he leaves you without warning, it’s normal to think he’s a monster. You’re in pain, and he’s the person who caused it. If he had no intention to start a serious relationship, why would he fool you for so long?

Except this mentality is wrong. He’s not a monster because he doesn’t like you.

He was initially interested in you (otherwise, you wouldn’t have dated). Then, he changed his mind. And that’s okay. People change their minds all the time, and that includes you.

A world where people can’t change their minds is an awful place.

He’s not a monster. He didn’t scheme against you because he wanted to hurt your feelings. Chances are he wanted to get to know you, and it didn’t work out. It’s as simple as that.

Think about it: if you had feelings for him, he has qualities. These qualities won’t disappear because he rejected you.

When you’re in pain, you can’t see other perspectives. But understanding his perspective is the first step to letting it go. Making him a monster doesn’t hurt him (remember: he doesn’t care). It hurts you because you’re the one feeding the monster.

What you can do.

If you noticed he’s not interested in you, don’t worry. There are a couple of things you can do to feel better.

The first thing to do is to acknowledge the pain. Although it wasn’t a serious relationship, it was a rejection, and every rejection hurts. You can’t ignore what you feel, so you may as well go through it.

The second thing to do isn’t pleasant, but it’s the most important: let it go.

Do you want to be with a guy who’s not interested in you? Hell no!

So don’t chase him, don’t check his Instagram, and don’t accept his invitation to go out. You deserve a person who cares for you. And there are plenty of people out there; you’ll find someone. If that’s not him, move on.

After you’re done with your grief, you can:

• Spend more time with your girlfriends. People who care for you make it easier to move on. They listen, distract you, and make you feel like you’re not alone.
• Start a new hobby. Your hobbies are who you are. They’re the ultimate expression of your personality. So learn something new, go back to that piano class, or start going to the gym. Do something that’s purely for you.
• Enjoy time with yourself. When you’re in pain, you may not be your favorite company. This is counterintuitive, but you can get over any breakup when you’re at peace with yourself. So don’t be afraid to be alone.

Moving on is a long process, but it’s the best way to assess your self-worth.

When a guy loses interest, it kills your self-worth. You may be the fittest, smartest, and most accomplished woman in the universe. But rejections still hurt.

When this happens, you’ll want things you can’t have anymore.

You’ll want to text for closure, but the lack of interest is closure enough. You may use social media to get his attention, but you can’t change his mind when he’s not into you. Or you may turn him into a monster, but that only gives you a childish perspective on relationships.

Relationships take two people: you can’t do it by yourself, and you can’t force others to do it with you. So if he’s not interested, the only option you have is to focus on yourself and move on.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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