My boyfriend and I rarely argue. We both come from previous relationships with partners who thrived on the debate and crushing their opponent — us — in order to prove their point for the win. Neither of us felt heard or valued by our spouses. Privately, we each resolved to not carry that dynamic into our present relationship.
He is extremely easygoing. He was the peacekeeper in his family growing up, so when he doesn’t have strong feelings about a direction, he often goes with the flow in order to ensure everyone else’s happiness. Knowing this about him, I try to check in and make sure he’s not going along for my happiness at the expense of his own.
I’m…selectively easygoing. There are some things I care very much about (like the thermostat settings, food, or having dark and quiet sleeping conditions) and others I care very little about (mostly, everything else.)
We get along extremely well and it feels peaceful. But on the rare occasions when we do clash, it can feel jarring. We discovered these three little tricks to help us move through any discordance, and they haven’t failed us yet.
We choose to be happy over being right (also known as choosing what’s right over who’s right)
Fundamentally, we try to remember that we are a team, a partnership, a dynamic duo. We collectively want the long-term happiness of the team and value that more than any individual’s short-term happiness. We speak up if something is going to bother us for longer than 3 hours, but will also let that same thing go if it’s not going to still bother us in 3 weeks. If the magnitude of the decision (or any particular outcome) won’t affect us months from now, it’s probably not that important right now either.
We pay attention to our tone of delivery
What we say when communicating with others (whether our partners or coworkers or friends) is important; How we say it, is more so. While my partner is not the boss of me, nor I him, we strive to communicate with the same respect we would show a corporate boss. Because we’ve realized that strident, loud tones delivered in a staccato clip can make us start to feel attacked which can elicit a defensiveness that isn’t conducive to solving challenges, we use calm, even tones — especially when it’s a sensitive subject — and we won’t hesitate to take a breath and think through how we’re going to phrase our thoughts, and with how much heat and velocity it will come out.
We use the principle of “Whoever Cares More Decides”
Years ago, I read an article about Basecamp co-founder Jason Fried and argument-resolving tactics in the company. (This is not the original article, but is still enlightening.) Fried said something to the effect of letting the person who cared more about a direction take ownership of that decision and have their way.
When I first suggested this approach to my partner, he was skeptical. I thought if we both weighed in — on a scale of 1–10 how invested we were with a particular outcome — whoever’s score was higher should get to proceed. His ex was such that every little decision was an 11 on this scale (you can read about their relationship here), so he didn’t think it would work, but he also recognized that I am not his ex so he was willing to try.
The first time we were sort of bickering and trying to persuade the other to adopt our course of action — I no longer remember what it was about because it was a 3 hour decision and not a 3 week one — he asked, “How much do you care? One to ten?” I thought about it for a moment.
“Three,” I said. “What about you?”
“I’m at a five. I care, but not a ton.”
I nodded. “Okay then, let’s go do your thing.”
And that was the extent of that “argument.”
These tactics all require trust and faith (and some measure of validation) in your partner’s assessment of what is important to them. They probably won’t work as well on people who have a hard time letting go of control, or those who relish the excitement and drama of rocky relationships. They won’t work on the selfish individualistic folks or those who already have a foot out the door. But they just may help someone who is in a loving, committed partnership to remember that it is indeed about being part of a partnership and that the best relationships are comprised of give and take — or even better, give and give.
They work because they convey trust, respect, and a willingness to compromise. And after all, isn’t that what we all want in our partnerships?
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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