3 Truths Most People Don’t Know About Dismissive Avoidants

Have you gone through the maze of trying to figure out your dismissive avoidant partner?

Sometimes, you feel like you’re making advances, and some days, you don’t know the person you’re sitting across from.

You spend your mental energy trying to weed through the forest, and by the end, you end up exhausted and frustrated.

What if I told you a deeper understanding of your partner would have prevented this series of events?

We focus on the wrong problem and solution using the method above.

You are in the twine of the relationship, so when you think about your partner and their behaviors, you inevitably get mad at the perceived source of the problem, your partner.

Yes, your partner needs to dedicate time to personal development and transitioning toward a secure attachment, but there is another layer.

Alleviating yourself from the frustration with your partner begins with moving the target toward understanding the nature of the dismissive-avoidant.

What do I mean by that?

Running through the negative behaviors of the avoidant so you can pick apart where these characteristics come from? Surprisingly, no.

Our behaviors come from somewhere simple. Answering the question, how can I feel comfortable and safe?

Understanding why the avoidant feels safe through their behaviors is your job. It’s their job to change them.

It’s not you, it’s me

When your partner creates distance in the relationship, it feels personal.

I can bet that as the relationship started, there was a point when you wondered if they were all in.

I can bet my life savings that there was a point when you got into a dispute or argument, and it took them ages to return to the table.

Your partner is fighting an internal battle to work through and regulate.

It feels like they’re pushing you away and want to shift as far away from you as possible.

An avoidant’s sense of the need for independence leads them to distance themselves. We know that.

Where you’re far off is that an avoidant does value emotional connection, but they feel weak when they move away from their independent nature.

Your partner is not pushing you away. They are moving away from the feeling of dependence they feel when they are not navigating their process alone.

You feel it when your partner has to problem solve, work through issues with you, or share their feelings.

They feel dependent on you. It is not that they want you as far away as possible.

They do not feel empowered when they have to work through a problem with someone else’s guidance.

Remember, it is the avoidant’s dynamic to work through. Ironically, they will need to understand they need you to do it.

Sharing is caring

We know the strength of a relationship is feeling like you can be open and express with your partner.

You want to share emotions, have intimate moments, and be vulnerable with each other.

When there are moments of conflict, you want to feel like you can work toward a solution together.

These moments can cause the dismissive-avoidant to shut down.

Do you understand what their method of shutting down is?

“shutting me out, pushing me away, and rejecting the idea that we are in a partnership.”

Again, we are a little far off.

Your partner does not feel emotionally equipped to deal with a situation instantaneously placed in front of them. They need time to process and work through their thoughts.

It feels like the ultimate rejection, but they’re placing a defense in front of volatility.

Your partner overvalues the harmony you have in your relationship.

Do you want to know why you find walking away from your avoidant partner so hard? It’s because the good times are so amazing.

Your partner tries their hardest to keep harmony and peace in the relationship, and when that is disturbed, they place a defense so it doesn’t go away.

It feels like rejection.

Last lap

I have been studying attachment style/theory for over half a decade. I’ve been writing on Medium for a little over three years. I have been coaching for nearly two years.

Do you know what I find to be consistent?

A partner, on the other side, is overly frustrated and wants their avoidant partner to shape up tomorrow.

That is not going to happen.

Your avoidant partner can shift toward bringing behaviors and values to the table that align with yours, but they are working from a different starting point.

For example, an anxious person values a close bond and expression while they have a fear of abandonment. It is the other side of the spectrum. Well, what if their partner demanded they self-soothe, regulate their emotions, and become more independent overnight?

It would feel like a brutal attack.

The last thing you should know about your partner is they value their bond and connection with you, but they have to work from their starting point of learning how to trust, be expressive, and work with their partner.

Your partner can grow, but the second they feel like they have to put the defense up is the same moment you’ll feel “pushed away.”

Imagine working with someone who constantly tells you your faults. It’s impossible.

Your partner needs to create and learn a new boundary other than the wall of defense. They have to work through their inability to process and express at the same moment.

They want to do it with you. That’s why they’re with you.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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