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Have you ever met a person who lives in a world of “Shoulds?” I can almost guarantee that you have. I like to call them citizens of the should world mostly because it makes it sound more sinister. These citizens of the should world don’t live in reality as much as they live in a magical world where things “should” be a certain way.
One type of citizen of the should world, usually male, believes that he should be able to date attractive women, even though he himself is out of shape, broke, and lives with his parents. This should world delusion is consistently reinforced by movies like “Knocked Up” (2007) and “She’s Out Of My League” (2010).
Another type of should world citizen believes that things should be fair. This particular type of should thinking even has a fun psychological name, “The Just World Fallacy.”
Other should world citizens believe that they should be rich or famous or that there are specific ways a man or woman should behave.
Citizens of the should world always believe that their lives should be better somehow. Yet they are always disappointed. Living in a world of shoulds keeps you trapped and ironically keeps you from the type of fulfillment you think you should have.
Here are 3 ways to make the transition from living in a world of shoulds to living in reality:
1. Accept the world as it is rather than as you want it to be.
The most important part of moving from a world of shoulds into reality is accepting that the world is the way it is and not the way you wish it would be. In his book The Denial Of Death, Ernest Becker argues that the reason that human beings are delusional is because we are the only species which knows it is going to die. So we concoct all sorts of manner of illusions (shoulds) to distract us from this essential truth of life. But the only way to release yourself from the shackles of a life of shoulds is to accept the world and life as it is. Warts and all.
2. Take Responsibility For Your Life.
While I abhor respectability politics and recognize that there are certain things that are outside of your locus of control such as systematic racism, you must take responsibility for your life. When you take responsibility for both the good and bad things in your life, you begin to see the world more clearly and let go of what you think should have happened in the past as well as what you believe should stop you from achieving your goals in the future.
3. Reject Other People’s Standards.
Most people don’t even realize that they are often living under other people’s shoulds. Even the shoulds of “being a man” often offer problematic and heteronormative behavior patterns that lead to things like fighting, alcohol abuse and sexual assault. There are no shoulds that govern being a man, woman, business person or athlete. We all get to make our own choices about our lives and live the way we want to. In order to live in reality, you have to reject not just the shoulds that you impose upon yourself but also those imposed upon you by society.
Most people live in a world of shoulds. These shoulds keep them disappointed, upset and unfulfilled. It doesn’t have to be that way. In this article, I showed you three powerful ways to stop living in a world of shoulds and start living in reality. Now it’s up to you to make it happen!
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Photo credit: Pixabay